have a DS, worried about being MIL? - Page 2

[Juvysen]

I think I'll have Dh have a good informative conversation with Ds if he gets someone pregnant. Dh is better at being diplomatic (I get too hyped up) and he's extremely good at working logically through ideas... and presumably they'll have that kind of relationship anyway... it's the same kind of relationship Dh and his father have. Our family really values doing our research, and so when MIL was upset that we weren't going to circ our son (she's not so into research...) FIL came and talked with us about it and we gave him our research and why we're not doing that. He accepted it and moved on. I guess I'll feel ok about what my children choose as long as they've done their research on it and are making an informed choice.

That said, it freaks me out that my (3 yo) DD keeps telling me that only doctors can do stitches after someone gives birth... considering I haven't had a doctor for ANY of my births, I'm not sure where this is coming from...

[Harmony08]

Originally Posted by Krisis

I actually think about this all the time, kind of. DS is an only child for medical reasons and one of the reasons I am depressed about that is because I feel like I have a MUCH closer awesomer relationship with my mom than DH has with his mom. I'm terrified that when DS grows up, his relationship with me will be more like DH's than like mine. It seems to me that after reaching adulthood, girls are much more likely to hang out, play, do stuff, talk to their moms than boys. That is a depressing thought.

I worry about this too but I believe that relationships like this are more a product of the personalities involved and maybe even the parenting. My DH and his mom don't really communicate and aren't very close. There is love there but it isn't that apparent. My brother and my mother have a fantastic relationship. He is a fully functional recent college grad with a job, grad school aspirations, and the sweetest girlfriend of 3 or so years. He talks to my mom about everything, they cook and bake together, go to movies, stop at hip bars and try different cocktails....basically everything my sister and I do. My mom is open, warm, affectionate, and not very judgemental. I think my brother's girlfriend is more comfortable at our parents' house than she is at hers. I think it works both ways.

[sewingmommy]

I have two boys and I have sworn that I will not be that MIL ...my MIL is a sweetheart but does give unwanted advice etc...and I will do my best not to do that to my DIL ...I know what its like to get advice that you don't want or need ...I will willingly give my opinion if asked and unless there is abuse will keep my mouth shut

[funkymamajoy]

Originally Posted by Juvysen

That said, it freaks me out that my (3 yo) DD keeps telling me that only doctors can do stitches after someone gives birth... considering I haven't had a doctor for ANY of my births, I'm not sure where this is coming from...

Did you have stitches though? Her idea about doctors seems to be about the stitches, not the birth.

[hippiemommaof4]

I have three sons, I am pretty sure if I do and say the exact opposite of almost everything my MIL says and does (with a few exceptions because she's ok sometimes) then I think the girl will really like me ROFL. hahahahaha...I will probably let them know my ideas and feelings about some things because thats just who I am. In those instances if they tell me to back off then I will. I wont be too overbearing or harsh because it's just not who I am anyway and I dont see things changing.

[Juvysen]

Originally Posted by funkymamajoy

Did you have stitches though? Her idea about doctors seems to be about the stitches, not the birth.

I had a few stitches, the first time. I told her (many times) that the midwife sewed me up... but dh had stitches on his knee that she was obsessed with for a while, so maybe you're right. A doctor did dh's stitches.

She's talked about how a doctor would catch the baby, too... actually I think she said a doctor would "take the baby out"

[TinkerBelle]

Note: I am not advocating FF, CIO or non-AP or vaxing.

However, IMHO, just because someone doesn't parent exactly the way you do, or did, doesn't mean that the child will be messed up. I was formula fed, allowed to CIO, and was not attached to my mom's hip 24 hours a day. I was also vaccinated. I am fine.

I have sons. No daughters. I had a tubal, so there will be no more children for me.

I plan to give advice when asked, mind my own business, and realize that I have no control and no say in my child's choice of a spouse, or in the decisions made for any grandchildren I may be blessed with one day.

Sometimes, you have to just let go and not worry so much.

[BabyMae09]

Originally Posted by sewchris2642

Perhaps having a 20 year span between my first and last has given me a different perspective but I have seen changes in child raising that many people only see between generations.

This. And I think that most MIL's have good intentions. They just want their child/grandkids to be happy

[KristyDi]

I think step one is to do your best to raise you child (son or daughter, because you'll be a MIL either way) to be a responsible, thinking, aware adult. Than hopefully he or she will choose another responsible, thinking, aware adult with whom to raise kids.

Then you need to respect both your child and their partner as fellow adults and parents in their own right. As others have said you'll also need to be aware that times change and so does the expert advise. You can offer advise, based on your experiences, with the understanding that what worked for you may not work for them and that's ok and not an attack on your way.

My MIL is really good about this. She's pretty mainstream, but is really good about not pushing anything and respecting me as the mom.

[Storm Bride]

When and if I have a pregnant DIL, I'll talk to her about c-sections, breastfeeding, etc. If she asks me to butt out, I'll butt out. Yes, it's my grandchild, but it's her child. If she tells me that I can't babysit if I won't follow a CIO sleep training schedule, then I won't babysit. I wouldn't want to. I can't handle that. OTOH, I'm not going to assume I know her child better than she does, yk?

The only other thing I can see being a huge issue is actual abuse. For me, that would include circ. I honestly have no idea how I'd deal with a DIL who circ'd her son. I mean - once it's done, it's done, so it's not like I'd have to be dealing with it on an ongoing basis. But...I'd have a really hard time even being civil. I really would. OTOH, I can't even begin to imagine that happening with either of my boys as the father.

[smeisnotapirate]

I am one who loves her MIL. Honestly, I would have gone totally insane without her.

I'd like to think that I'll be smart enough to STFU and mind my own beeswax. However, CIO is where I draw the line - I do believe it's neglect. Formula, vaccines? They're choices that a famiy makes because all families are different.

I'd like to think that my DS will choose someone with a loving approach to parenting, and wouldn't spend his life with someone who thinks CIO and other forms of abuse are ok (and wouldn't tolerate it in his house, just like my DDs shouldn't tolerate it in theirs).

We'll see. I hope, however, that my DIL(s) have as good a relationship with me as I have with my MIL.

[KayTeeJay]

I am another who loves her MIL. I also have a son, and the same questions and fears have crossed my mind before. However, I remind myself that my husband married me, and we settled into AP-ish-ness together, so maybe E and his future spouse will do the same.

[sewchris2642]

Be careful about absolutes. The best advice I was given by my mom and sister when I was a new mom was never say never. Like every other parenting decision, whether or not to circ, infant piercings, "CIO" is up to the parents. And some things, like CIO, depends on how you define it. Erica always "cried" herself to sleep. However, if she was held, cuddled, rocked, etc., it took hours until she exhausted herself from crying. If she was put in bed (also her choice; she hated co-sleeping), she cried for 5 minutes and fell asleep. Crying was her way of releasing the last bit of stress/energy before sleep. Dylan, on the other hand, insisted on co-sleeping and CIO was not an option for him.

[Girlprof]

I always say I have the world's best MIL and I think that might be true. She was at the birth of our DD to watch over our DS and make sure he was fine. My own mother would not have done nearly as well.

The main difference between my mom and my MIL? My MIL never ever offers any advice unless asked. Not one word. My mom, on the other hand, can barely contain herself. I have to explicitly say, I do not want advice on this topic, I just need you to listen to me. How many times have I said those words to my mother? Countless. To my MIL? Not ever. As much as it sometimes breaks my heart, I often take my troubles and my joys to my MIL, sometimes before my mom. I know MIL will celebrate purely with me and comfort me purely through hard stuff - no agenda, no advice.

So, no, I'm not too worried about becoming my MIL. I hope I don't turn into my mom. When it comes to my future DIL, I will keep my mouth shut and my heart open.

[GuildJenn]

Just to take a different point of view.

First I remember when my son was about that age and I was dancing with him in the kitchen and it occurred to me that we might have a dance at his wedding someday. And boy did I start worrying about that bride or groom I tell you. I think it was hormonal. Not to say your feelings aren't real but I think once your baby is a bit older and interacting you may worry less 20 years in the future (and more 20 minutes into the future).

Second I think the best gift we can give to our future adult children is to have full, rich lives. All the best in laws and parents I know are the ones who are interested and interesting, on the go, and not sitting at home obsessing about how people my age are ruining their grandkids.

Third, I think practicing compassion is a big skill. Right now of course you are setting your parenting course and passing judgment on what you will and won't do. But you may want to ease up on your own MIL and people around you both to practice for your future DIL and also as a way of lessening the burden of gossip and judging around you, and not putting yourself in a position where you are distanced and alone. Then I think you can approach any future relationships with an open heart, and that will show you the way, whatever it is.

[sam1980]

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

Second I think the best gift we can give to our future adult children is to have full, rich lives. All the best in laws and parents I know are the ones who are interested and interesting, on the go, and not sitting at home obsessing about how people my age are ruining their grandkids.

ITA! My MIL recently informed me that my 3-month old is her "only reason to live." It saddens me that visits with her basically add up to her holding him and staring at him. While I am thrilled to have her love for him, I wish she had her own enjoyable life that didn't depend on my son. I want my son to see a happy grandma, not a grandma that depends on him for happiness. Especially given that she and I do not see eye to eye on much. She even called the hospital to argue when she found out we weren't circ our son.

[KaylaBeanie]

Heck, I'm not even a mom and I worry about future DILs

Vaccines don't really shake me very much. I very much believe that is a personal decision.

I'd be really sad for my DIL if she opted for a drugged birth, but that's her choice, and if she wants to schedule a c-section, I'll be there in the waiting room!

Circumcision isn't something I worry about, as my sons will be intact and raised with the mentality that it's normal and natural, and that RIC is borderline abuse.

Formula, I'd be sad. I'd have a hard time with it, but ultimately it's her decision, and it's not going to kill the baby.

CIO/spanking...no. Couldn't handle it.

Co-sleeping...it would be weird if they didn't co-sleep, because I co-slept from birth, and the notion of cribs is so weird to me! However, not something I worry about.

Ultimately, I hope and pray that when I have children, I can instill good values in them. I would obviously be sad if my future DS and DIL did things differently than me in every way, because it would alienate us. For instance, I'm not religious, so if my child converted and became a devout Catholic, it would be hard. I'm pretty hippie-ish, so it would be hard if my kids took up eating McDonalds, playing video games and driving hummers. However, I guess I can just go into it and do my best. Not being a parent yet, I'll have to make it through not ruining my OWN kids before I worry about them ruining THEIR kids

[AllisonR]

Originally Posted by larzanna

Hi all:

So, i have read many many posts in all the different areas on this board. It seems that many of you (myself included) just don't see eye to eye with the MIL.

many posts... this is the key. News sells. People write when they have a problem with their MIL, or whomever or whatever. They want help or advice or just to vent. But for all the people posting complaints, just remember there are probably a 100 more who have it fine and are not writing anything. No one ever made a new thread "Hi, I generally get along fine with my MIL. Nothing really great or really bad, just normal. I have no comments really. You don't need to post. Good bye." SNOOZE. No one would read it.