Ooohhhh...mama. Shit. I am so sorry. So very, very very sorry mama.
You don't know me but I actually lost my daughter Josie a year ago yesterday - so we're practically a year apart in terms of loss. She was 6lb, 6oz and 19.5 inches long at almost 38 weeks - I had a placental abruption.
I know the place you're in very well. I've been there. It's bizarre and crazy and hurtful and alien territory. I couldn't read and not post.
When you are ready, the pregnancy and birth loss board is a tremendous place to be - there are many, many wonderfully helpful and compassionate mamas on there who have been where you are.
I myself write a blog at www.opusangara.blogspot.com
- it follows my journey, and from there you can see which blogs I follow as well - many of them blogs by mamas who have also lost babies.
You can also PM me, by all means, or email me at email@example.com
if you would like to. Even if it doesn't make sense, whatever you're writing. If you have pictures in color that you would like retouching, I can do that as well - I work charitably with mamas and papas who have lost their little ones. I would be more than happy to help. I am on Facebook as Jeanne Bowyer too if you have an account.
I expressed some breast milk after Josie died, and used some of it for her grave, and then also mixed some half and half with water and watered every plant in my house. Somehow it seemed the milk had done something good, then, and I ended up recovering from engorgement quite quickly. Maybe my body knew that the milk had gone somewhere with a purpose, you know? I wanted to tell you that in case it helped somehow.
What I can say is that there is light there - light at the end of this. Amazing as it may seem, there is hope and there is a capacity for great love and life after this.
*HUGE, huge hugs mama* and so much love to you XXXXXXXX