Long-How do deal with friend

[prone_to_wander]

I am only 7 weeks pregnant, but I've been planning this for a while, and I have already decided that we're the cloth diaper, co-sleep, AP kinda parents. On top of all of this, I consider myself to be a radical feminist and have very strong ideas and thoughts on how I would raise my children.

One other thing is that I live in Hong Kong as an expat. In Canada, I would have a very strong support network for all of these things. I don't have many close friends here in HK. I would say I have 2 good girlfriends that I talk about all things with.

Well I was out with one of these friends and she was shocked to find out that I didn't intend on finding out the sex of the baby until after it was born. She told me that I should find out so that I could buy either buy pink or blue clothes. When I told her that I intend to dress my kids in all colours of the rainbow, no matter their sex, she asked my why I would want a 'girly boy'. Cue jaw dropping. She then went on to say how boys will want to shoot things and girls like pink and blah blah blah.

But the girly boy comment really stuck with me. I'd never force my kid to be something he/she isn't. If he loves trucks, then he loves trucks. But I'll also provide him with a baby doll and I will encourage him to try different things. Encourage feelings and emotions. Trying to break down tired old stereotypes. I really think that we unconsciously tell children boys are like this and girls are like this. I know I can't undo everything and that we still live in a world where that happens. But in my house, I can show that we no matter the sex, we can do all things.

I guess I'm just blindsided by her conventionalism as she is really progressive in other areas.

Any ideas? Thoughts? I feel so sick from this whole encounter.

[Bluegoat]

People are in different places. Her comments probably reflect her life experience and how she was raised. Which is true for all of us.

I wouldn't worry about it, since I really can't see it causing practical issues, unless you try to buy her son pink pjs. If she treats your children badly (and I mean badly, not just conventionally), that would be another thing, but it hasn't happened yet.

She might learn a lot from watching you parent, and who knows - you might learn something from her too.

[Dandelionkid]

Actually, the gender thing is one of the funner ways to go against the parenting grain. I actually really enjoy the reactions of more conservative people when ds wears a dress around his grandparents or to the park. Maybe because it's just plain silly to label boys "girly-boys"- why do cultures view boys to be "less-than" if they have feminine attributes? In effect it's saying that girls are less desirable than boys. It's something I like to talk about with people who have a hang-up about it. Maybe you can get excited to educate her instead of feeling sick about it

[Fuamami]

Does she have kids?

I ask because before I became a parent, or even really thought seriously about it, there were a lot of things I was sure I would do. Basically because I'd never really thought about it, so I might have said something like she did. Except that I was also a radical feminist and was sure that kids were pushed into their gender roles to the detriment of their true personalities. And now, having had a girl and two boys, I am the first to admit that gender differences are inherent. And it doesn't matter how you dress their kid, they're gonna be who they are. Girly-boy, or otherwise.

[carmel23]

All I can say is that your child will be your child and things like that, attitudes like "girly-boy" won't affect him.

I have two boys, who are both very boy--into trains, machines, etc. but they also love pink, my oldest has long hair, paint their nails, read martha stewart magazines, and enjoy pushing their peers into accepting that they like 'girly' things (their best friends are girls, as well).

But strangely this actually makes them appear very mature and almost manly because they are very secure in themselves (if this makes any sense?).

Anyways, they just like what they like and know that it doesn't make them this or that--they are who they are.

Same with my daughter. She wears what she wants and plays how she wants (she wears a lot of little boy clothes with 2 big brothers). One gender thing we do ban is barbie and princess stuff, but mostly because I can't stand it (but we also avoid most media characters--we ban transformers and GI joe stuff, too).

So don't worry about your friend's attitude. You will be your child's mama, not your friend.

[WC_hapamama]

Originally Posted by prone_to_wander

Well I was out with one of these friends and she was shocked to find out that I didn't intend on finding out the sex of the baby until after it was born. She told me that I should find out so that I could buy either buy pink or blue clothes. When I told her that I intend to dress my kids in all colours of the rainbow, no matter their sex, she asked my why I would want a 'girly boy'. Cue jaw dropping. She then went on to say how boys will want to shoot things and girls like pink and blah blah blah.

Is your friend also an ex-pat, or is she a native. If she's a native, please remember that Chinese culture has some very firmly entrenched ideas of gender roles that have very rarely been challenged until the last 75 years or so. Feminism is a very new concept in East Asia.

[SquishyKitty]

I wouldn't worry about it. Everybody has strong opinions of how they are going to parent or raise their kids prior to having them.

Most of us (me included) end up eating our words in some way once the kids get here. Either through the stereotypes or through the kids deciding to be the polar opposite of what we planned for, or whatever the case may be.

Nod, smile, and go on about your day.

[MittensKittens]

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

We have a rad fem thread in Find Your Tribe, why don't you come in for a chat? As an expat, I can relate to many of your feelings. Holding on to your basic principles can become that much more of a struggle, and that makes you inflate them as well at times, IME anyway. My advice is to let go of what other people think about whatever you choose to do, and do what you want. Sometimes people have valid points, which you can learn from, and other times they don't. I guess it is because parenting is something that affects all of us, whether we have kids or not, that people feel the need to comment on it so much. It's annoying, but you get used to it .

[ZoraP]

One of the things I've learned as a parent is "never say never." No matter what your ideas about children are, your kids will have their own ideas. Despite approaching parenting from a gender-neutral perspective, my dds are very "girly" in some ways, and I have friends whose sons are very "boyish" no matter how much their parents try to offer a balanced approach.

(Examples that come to mind are tiny boys whose first word is "car" or a little girl I once knew who refused to wear any colors besides pink and gray, this at just barely 2 yo.)

Your friend is wrong to think that the way you treat your child is going to change the child's gender identity, but you're probably going to find that your child does have a powerful gender identity nonetheless. In any case I imagine the two of you will be able to get along even if you don't see eye-to-eye on everything.