I don't think I'm adapting well to having an older child

[oceanbaby]

For instance, I first went to the Childhood Years forum to post a question about my 8.5yo son. All the posts there were about 4 and 5yos, and when I came here I was horrified to find out that this is where I belong now!

But it's making me realize that this is probably the answer to a lot of questions I have about my son - I don't think I have gotten into the mindset that he is heading towards puberty, and fast. (The pubic hair discussion really sent me over the edge!)

I don't know how to transition to this new stage, and I think a lot of the issues we're having is because he doesn't know either. Dh is very hands on and very available to discuss these kinds of things with him, and I'm very happy about that because apparently I don't have a clue!

I'm not even sure what I'm posting about. I guess it comes down to this: I'm scared about losing my connection with ds as he gets older because I don't know how to adapt.

[karne]

Hang in there! I know what you mean. DD is 11-whoa pre-adolescent hormones! We truly went from feeling like we had a young child on our hands to a preteen, and even though I was intellectually ready for it, I wasn't emotionally.

I have to say, many days I find this a truly exciting time, and it's fun to watch the kids getting and acting older. But, stickier issues (for us) come along like cell phone desires, first crush (I am personally desperate for some support around this one!!), increased responsibility at school, etc. It's quite a ride. I'm in awe of the mamas here who are raising their older teens-they all sound so great.

[journeymom]

I noticed the same disparity between the Childhood Years forum and the Preteen and Teen forum. My son is 10 now and I still don't find much to identify with, for him, in the Preteen/Teen section.

[Porcelain Interior]

I have an 8 year old, for her I post in the childhood forum.

I have a 13 almost 14 year old and I've been posting here for her since she was 12+.

I guess it varies depending on kids, but my kids are kids until they're 10+.

I don't think 8 year olds really qualify as tweens.

JMO

[kathymuggle]

double post

[kathymuggle]

It is an MDC thing to a degree.

I post here about my almost 11 yr old - mostly because parents here have had an almost 11 yr old. Parents on childhood (where 4-6 yr olds seem to dominate) do not. I do not post here (well, until recently) because I see her as a pretten or teen.

My son is 13.5 and his issues firmly belong here. You know what though - I have enjoyed him becoming a teen, and our cool conversations. I enjoy him, period.

I used to be afraid of the teen years (and there is potential for a lot of crap during the teen years) - but a lot of it is fear mongerring on society's part.

Welcome!

Kathy

[journeymom]

What Kathy said.

My 14 y.o. daughter is great fun. I thought the time when she was 11 to 13 was just amazing. Plenty of drama and angst, but also so much wonderful development.

[orangefoot]

Originally Posted by kathymuggle

It is an MDC thing to a degree.

I post here about my almost 11 yr old - mostly because parents here have had an almost 11 yr old. Parents on childhood (where 4-6 yr olds seem to dominate) do not. I do not post here (well, until recently) because I see her as a pretten or teen.

I agree. I think you get different perspectives on older children in this forum because many more have BTDT here than in the children's forums.

I don't think you have to adapt 'well' to an older child though, you adapt just enough by getting through day by day and that is just the way it was when they were tiny.

Keep positive! He is still your son and still will be even when he is taller than you and has pubic hair Keep talking to him and keep listening to him so you can pick up some 'clues'.

Welcome!

[heartmama]

In my experience there are big changes on the mother/son horizon if you have been a very attached ap parent up to that point. It is all good, but yes, things do change. How can they not?

When ds was a baby he literally lived attached to me for three years. He was ALWAYS with me. Just a total velcro baby/toddler, very high needs. The classic kind of baby that drives a parent to discover attachment parenting.

From 3-6 he was still extremely attached, but somewhat more adventurous in the father/son dynamic. Daddy was fun. Daddy was almost as fun as mommy. But mommy was still the center of the universe.

Somewhere between 7-9 things started to shift.

From 9-11 they shifted a LOT. Ds really started to become more dependent on dh.

From 11-13 ds and dh have their own little world and in many ways ds is now much closer to dh than he is to me.

I told dh to enjoy it while he can, because from what older parents tell me, the late teen years bring the *serious girlfriend* into the picture and that puts parents on the sidelines forever *lol*

So, one thing is that my ap friend with daughters did have a very different experience. I think they stayed closer than a mother does with a son. Where a girl talks to her mom about intimate stuff, typically a boy will go to dad. It makes sense. I would rather have talked to my mom than my dad about stuff like that.

Ds and I are still very close--it isn't that we are awkward or detached or anything. But it's different. Honestly, each stage is great. I have SO MUCH MORE FREEDOM now than I did when he was small. I LOVED being with ds all the time when he was small. But it sure is nice to know he okay if I'm not always there.

A critical thing that has kept our relationship strong has been to have set routines and to make his time with me FUN!!! My #1 advice is to have fun together! Ds and I have a friday routine of pizza and ice cream. I do try to make sure that we do what he enjoys, and that we make it fun.

[oceanbaby]

Thanks for the replies. I don't know if I feel better or not, however

Ds is definitely going through a major daddy attachment phase. He and I are still close, but his greatest joy is going on a special trip with just dh. I feel really happy that ds has such an amazing dad to bond with, but I do feel sad about losing out on the closeness we have right now.

I've been realizing lately that in order to maintain our attachment I have to let go of some of my "ideals" when it comes to parenting. For instance, ds1 is obsessed with a few tv shows, and wants to talk constantly about them. I tend to try to steer the conversation away from this because I don't want to put my stamp of approval on spending time talking about tv. But I've realized that what I'm really doing is just disconnecting from something that is important to him.

At least he likes clothes shopping . . .

[orangefoot]

Have you ever sat down and watched the programmes with him? That could be more fun for you than you think. You then also have shared knowledge which is a good way in to more conversations.

[mtiger]

My experience is somewhat different. Granted, it may have a lot to do with the fact that my son lives with me, rather than his Dad. But, at nearly 18, we're as tight as we were when he was little. Yes, it's a different relationship at 17 than it was at 7 (which was different than it was at 3), but he really does know that there is nothing he can't talk to me about. He's very independent (in fact, just got back from a 3-day solo trip to the city to visit a friend), so it's not that he's attached to my apron strings.

What I found helped a lot was to stay involved in his activities and interested in the things he was. I could talk baseball with him, as well as teach him to throw, catch and hit. If he's read (and enjoyed) a book I haven't? I ask to borrow it. I've gone through every music phase he's had, at least giving it a try so that I could tell him rationally what I didn't like (and what I did). No matter what his opinion on a topic, I'd take the time to listen and either agree or explain to him why I didn't - while still respecting his pov. He knows that there is little that can phase me.

Which is not to say that I have no rules or that I agree with every choice he's made. But he knows that if I say no to something, I will have a good (and rational) reason for it.

[QueeTheBean]

oceanbaby, I hear ya! I was about to post something very similar to what you did. I have an 11 year old son.

I was comfortable being a mom when he was a little guy, but I am lost now. I am finding it very frustrating--he has changed so much, and I don't know how to parent him anymore. Everything I say is met with rolled eyes or a huffy breath--like I am a big idiot . I don't know where to draw the line between letting him make his own choices and exerting my "parental authority". Like his eating habits---this child eats next.to.nothing. and I have stopped even talking to him about it, as it was only causing extreme stress. But it kills me to see how terrible he eats . . .

I am ashamed to say, but this child is making me so frustrated on a daily basis.

It isn't helped by the fact that I also have a 7-year old son who is currently in the "my mama is the most beautiful woman in the world and I love her more than anything" stage.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by oceanbaby

I've been realizing lately that in order to maintain our attachment I have to let go of some of my "ideals" when it comes to parenting. For instance, ds1 is obsessed with a few tv shows, and wants to talk constantly about them. I tend to try to steer the conversation away from this because I don't want to put my stamp of approval on spending time talking about tv. But I've realized that what I'm really doing is just disconnecting from something that is important to him.

YES!!!! It took me longer than you, but I realized that if I wanted to talk to my now 13 year old DD, I needed to read the trashy vampire novels she likes and watch the crime shows, and do these things with a positive attitude looking for good things to say about them!

A counselor I know who does a lot of work teens told me that often when parents bring kids in, they say that the teen won't talk. Then the counselor asks them what shows they like, what computer games, they like, etc. and the teen talks.

When our kids are old enough to have opinions, we can either stay attached to our kid or our ideas.

BTW, I do think there is a huge gulf between the childhood forum and the preteen/teen forum. I didn't feel like I fit in either place for a long time. And I've been hanging out on Mothinger since I was tandum nursing.

[mangopassion]

This makes me a little sad. CherryPie is 11 and has been in the preteen phase for awhile now. However, I don't consider KiwiBoy, who just turned 8, to be in this phase yet. And to read these posts and know what's coming up is sad for me. I'm already sad that he's growing up so fast. But to know that things are going to change for us (we are very close -- velcro close) is even more saddening.

Thanks for the warning, though! I'm trying to enjoy these years before they sweep past me and both kiddos are moving out, getting married, and having children of their own.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by mangopassion

I'm trying to enjoy these years before they sweep past me and both kiddos are moving out, getting married, and having children of their own.

I think there is a long phase between childhood and moving out, and there is something very sweet about this phase. I just dropped my 13 year old off at a stable. She'll spend about 4 hours there today -- riding, working, hanging out with VERY nice girls. It's great. And it isn't something an 8 year old can do. My 11 went to her first school dance last night and had blast dancing with her friends. Yes, they are bigger and experiencing the wide world in new ways (without me!) but it is so special in it's own way.

And I finally have time to work out, go to lunch with friends, get my kids' baby books done, etc.

[karne]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

I think there is a long phase between childhood and moving out, and there is something very sweet about this phase. I just dropped my 13 year old off at a stable. She'll spend about 4 hours there today -- riding, working, hanging out with VERY nice girls. It's great. And it isn't something an 8 year old can do. My 11 went to her first school dance last night and had blast dancing with her friends. Yes, they are bigger and experiencing the wide world in new ways (without me!) but it is so special in it's own way.

And I finally have time to work out, go to lunch with friends, get my kids' baby books done, etc.

I agree. Even though this phase feels like it came upon us quickly, it's really unimaginably sweet. There is a real honesty about everything-all the feelings, all the emotions, all of the experiences. Does that make sense? It's all new, and exciting and scary and fun and not fun....it's just right out there. I am in awe of this developing child. DH and I can see so much of what we've given her, and yet, there is a whole person with her own thoughts, feelings, wishes, and actions that we are watching unfold.

[journeymom]

Originally Posted by karne

I agree. Even though this phase feels like it came upon us quickly, it's really unimaginably sweet. There is a real honesty about everything-all the feelings, all the emotions, all of the experiences. Does that make sense? It's all new, and exciting and scary and fun and not fun....it's just right out there. I am in awe of this developing child. DH and I can see so much of what we've given her, and yet, there is a whole person with her own thoughts, feelings, wishes, and actions that we are watching unfold.

Amen.

[Labbemama]

Oceanbaby,
I can understand that. It's a new challenge for you as a parent and it's uncharted waters. But you have a good foundation and it will be ok.

I do see it that way as a prior poster. Having two older ones I see more signs of tweenhood in my 10 y.o. With the first one coming up is scary. I don't know though if she follows her sister's footsteps or is worse...I'm in big trouble.

[MissMaegie'sMama]

I think the preteen years are pretty cool.

DS turns 11 in a few weeks. I like how we can talk about real issues together. He knows much more about certain things than I do (WWII history, anybody?), and it reminds me that though he came from me, he is his own person. It's exhilarating to watch him turn from a child into a young man.

DS has a few classmates who sometimes stop by the house to play with him. They take their bikes out and ride around the neighborhood. One afternoon DS came home, visibly disgusted. He told me that the boys he was riding around with met up with some kids who are known as troublemakers at school. When he was pressured by his buddies to hang out with the troublemakers, he turned them down, then he rode back home. I'm proud of him for standing up for what he thinks is right. We have our ups and downs to be sure, but I think he's turning out to be a very nice young man.