Saddened by today's world

[Ruth S]

I'm posting because I'm sad and I know I'll get empathy.

For background: My daughters have been pretty sheltered and had limited exposure to things like commercial tv, violence and sex in movies, etc. We live our lives according to fairly high religious and moral values, and have raised our kids with a lot of structure. Now that my older daughter is in high school, I allow her a fair amount of freedom, and I'm trying to keep communication open. We're not prudes, but we don't swear, and, for example, my daughter knows I despise shows like Gossip Girl, but she also knows I know she watches it.

I'm proud of my girls. Just last night a friend was telling me what a pleasure my oldest (15-year-old) daughter is, and how both peers and adults respect her and enjoy her company. She's polite and truly a pleasure to be with.

Then tonight I glance at her facebook page, and see the word "dick" in a sentence next to her picture. I was confused and asked her about it. In my naivete I didn't think she used language like that, certainly not to be posting it on facebook. We talked about it, and she doesn't understand why I have a problem. Maybe people reading this don't either.

I think I'm just sad because I hate how debased our society is; there is nothing precious, never mind holy, about sexuality; bodies are flaunted and language is limited and vulgar; it's all about instant gratification. I just didn't think my 15-year-old was throwing around words like dick. It seems so crude so young.

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

[MusicianDad]

At 15 I think the best you can really do is explain your point of view and hope for the best. The final desicion rests with her. Dick is not a word we eliminate from our vocabulary in this house but there are certain circumstance where using it will get you in trouble no matter what you age, such as using it in reference to another person.

Honestly though, if she is using it with her friends, but not talking that way with anybody and everybody then you probably don't have much to worry about. We all talk to friends differently then we talk to parents, other adults, people we work with, people we meet on the street and part of growing up is learning to do that kind of self censoring.

[karne]

My guess is that everything you have given your dd is in there, pretty deeply anchored, and will be there for her when she needs it. I don't want to minimize your concerns at all, because I understand them, but it sounds like you have a great kid who is doing a little "trying out" right now of language, behavior, etc.

[THANKFULFORFIVE]

I just had to reply...going through the same thing here! My darling, little angel just said "pissed" in front of me yesterday! It's such an awkward feeling to hear things like that from your little girl. We had some long talks lately about the language issue. It seems that all the other kids here made fun of her for being such a "good girl". She said that even all the other "good kids" cuss. She is not afraid anymore. Seems that when she last when to confession, the priest told her that cussing was NOT a sin....so she has had a tremendous weight lifted from her shoulders....hmmph? Who knew?
She is STILL a good girl....so I will certainly choose my battles here.

[Oriole]

boy, can I relate.

On language:

I am 27, and I never cuss and don't use vulgar language. We keep it rather clean in the house. What a shock it's been when I heard DSD say the "f" word on the phone while talking to her friends. She's been using it pretty freely with her friends, as I understand it. It bothers me, it makes me cringe. I realize that she will talk differently with her peers than with us, but I feel like we failed a little bit in raising her into a person who doesn't fall into the vulgar teenage talk. I never talked to my friends like that, no matter what kind of language they chose to use, and I always hoped that DSD will be able "to live above the influence". Not so.

She knows how I feel about it, and I am glad that she doesn't use words like that while talking to us. There's been a few exceptions when she's been very emotional and upset over something, and her dad discussed it as it came up. A few months ago, it got pretty bad. She stumbled in all of her sentences, because it seemed like she had a need to cut out bad language while talking to us, but "forgot" how to construct sentences without it. I am not kidding you when I say I was worried that she will never learn how to talk without using the word "f" or hiccuping over cutting it out. BUT, it has gotten better. I am not naive to think that the stage is over. I worry that it's been so ingrained in her that she will use it throughout her adult life while arguing with someone (SO? kids? people that love her?). I absolutely cannot stand it when I hear people arguing and using "f"s, and "b"s, and you name it.

On a brighter note, I think she's moving on, and I really do think that as kids are growing up, and entering teenage years, they are prone to experiment not only with relationships and personalities, but also with language, trying on "the adult" world they couldn't enter before. I hope the worst of it is over, and that our values will gently make their way back into her life. I hope she will remember the differences between the two households: the one where people cuss and the other one where no one does, and make a choice to raise her family in a healthier way.

On sexuality:

I feel the same about the beauty of sexuality as you do. You are right. Nothing is sacred, nothing is special, it's just an act. I get the excitement behind it, and I get the curiosity behind it, but I am very saddened by how little it means to DSD as compared to what it meant to me.

When all is said and done, I remind myself that DSD is not a bad kid at all, she just has a different outlook on life. I also know that she still has a lot of growing up to do, and that it wasn't until my early 20s that I could objectively look on my teenage years and see the good and the bad from a more grown up perspective.

You are not alone. *hugs*

[MaterPrimaePuellae]

I just wanted to post in support.

My DD is only 2.5, and what *I* am finding difficult at this stage is sheltering her from other people and their madness. Our realtor (a *UAV* who is close to being fired ) told my petite toddler that she needed to lose some weight and start working on her figure-- then he looked at me, laughed, and said, "hah, give her a complex early." What is wrong with people?

More to the point:

My mom and dad raised us to have very strong values, too. If they knew all of the stuff that my brothers are doing (secretely living with their girlfriends in the house my mom and dad pay for, smoking a hookah (indoors, all the time, with my soon-to-be SIL's toddler running around), drinking (to the point that, in their drunkenness, they have damaged the house...), not to mention the cursing and porn..... I wish I didn't know. I am pregnant now, and watching all that is going on with them.... I am so desperately hoping for another girl.

Maybe to some people the above doesn't sound so bad, but to me, it's just SO, SO deeply sad. My parents would be crushed, and I honestly don't think that my brothers are going to be happy looking back on this period of their life, either.

Regarding the language-- again, I sympathize. I find cursing so aesthetically displeasing that I cringe every time I hear it, and to hear "dick" from my child would probably make me cry. I've gotten through my whole life so far without cursing, so I'm fairly certain it is not necessary for living a happy life.

[Path2Felicity]

So I am new to the whole parenting thing (okay, I am actually due with my first in 3 weeks). But when I think about raising children and then teens, I also get saddened by all the vulgarity and all the crudeness out there. I also plan on raising my children to be religious-minded, and in a society where religious values are denigrated, I am a little nervous to say the least.

I am not so worried about cursing as I am about the flippancy people have towards being crude and acting like .... well, less than dignified human beings. I don't know how to shield my child from this, as I can't expect her to live in a bubble for the rest of her life.

I guess my question is this: How can we, as parents, encourage our children to act like real human beings and maintain their dignity, in a society where this type of behavior is not really encouraged, particularly among teens and pre-teens? How can we encourage children to always be respectful of themselves and be mindful of themselves in this way?

[Ruth S]

Thanks for the understanding responses and support. It's a hard world.

[Oriole]

Originally Posted by Path2Felicity

I guess my question is this: How can we, as parents, encourage our children to act like real human beings and maintain their dignity, in a society where this type of behavior is not really encouraged, particularly among teens and pre-teens? How can we encourage children to always be respectful of themselves and be mindful of themselves in this way?

I don't think there is a fool proof way to ensure that your kids will grow up the way you hope they will grow up. They will have their own mind, their own standards, their own life. Past a certain age, I think there is only one thing we can do - set an example worth following.

[ollyoxenfree]

I understand and sympathize with your dismay. I think, though, that it's pretty typical that teens will explore inappropriate/risky/extreme behaviour on their way to figuring out their own identities and separating from their parents. If this is the extent of it (some colloquial language used among peers - not even outright swearing, and not even to you or other adults), then it sounds like you have done a very good job instilling your values in her.

It sounds like she knows you won't tolerate that kind of language in your presence, and she respects your wishes.