Traumatizing the kids.

[mommy2two babes]

I am almost 35 weeks pregnant with our 3rd child.
Our last was a HB and DD was 23 mos at the time. She was with me in bed and it was actually her nursing that broke my waters.
I had my Mom and DH there so DD was in another room when I actually gave birth.
This time around the kids will be 5 and 3. I have had plans to have several family memebers ( my side) at the birth to distract the kids if neccesary.
I have also talked to DD about birth and how it works. They have both seen some nice birth videos via youtube.

I never really though to discuss this with DH as DD was there the last time.

Apparently when we were at his family thanksgiving dinner last night someone brought it up. The don't like our ( more my) crunchy ways
and are more than a bit freaked out by HB.

DH come into the kitchen and says what are we doing with the kids when I give birth. I said they will be at home and they might sleep right through it.
He freaked and said we couldn't do that as it would traumatize the kids.

If his family had kept thier noses where they belong this would not be an issue. Over my dead body will any of my kids spend the night at my ILs ( major issues)

[Youngfrankenstein]

I really want my kids to be at the birth. The 10 and 9 year olds don't really want to and I wouldn't force them. I think forcing a kid to do it isn't a good idea but there is nothing traumatic about birth. I expect and plan for my 5-yr-old dd to be there. I have told her all about what to expect and I think she's excited...

Would your dh agree that you wouldn't force the kids to watch the birth?

[mommy2two babes]

Originally Posted by Youngfrankenstein

I really want my kids to be at the birth. The 10 and 9 year olds don't really want to and I wouldn't force them. I think forcing a kid to do it isn't a good idea but there is nothing traumatic about birth. I expect and plan for my 5-yr-old dd to be there. I have told her all about what to expect and I think she's excited...

Would your dh agree that you wouldn't force the kids to watch the birth?

I don't think that he would ever have thought that I would force the kids to watch ( TBH I would prefer to be alone completely) I just don't want them to feel discluded. DHs family is very different than mine and the way we have raised the kids.
We have the kids in the bathroom and shower with us and are not shy about bodies and nudity. DHs family are very private people who don't even hug and kiss unless absolutly neccesary. In 10 years I have never ever seen DH's parents touch unless neccesary.


I would assume that for whoever DH was talking to they couldn't imagine anything worse than having the kids in the house while giving birth.

I am going to have to talk to DH about this more but I hate to have another issue to discuss godnees knows that we have had enough lately.
Not sure I have the energy for another one.

I think DH is going to have a hard time though if he tries to find somewhere to send the kids Maybe that will work to my advantage.

[Emmeline II]

Tell him you will do just what you did for your last home birth.

I would also ask him not to discuss the birth with his family as he KNOWS they do not agree with how you two live your lives, and they freak him out which puts stress on you.

[Belle]

If I had had Dd2 in a hospital setting and Dd1 had witnessed it she might have been traumatized. But at home she could see that it was just a normal thing. She was 3 when Dd2 was born and now has a healthy attitude about birth. Far from being traumatized, she wants her own babies born at home.

[Kidzaplenty]

I have had my children around when I have birthed subsequent babies. All but the last one that had to be induced and was a hospital birth. The children actually felt cheated!

I would have to talk to my DH if he suddenly started spouting off the "traumatizing the kids" speach. I do not force my children to watch, I have activities and/or a caregiver available for them. And they are allowed to make the choice when the time comes. That is perfect. If my husband thought someone should miss the birth, it would be him, not them.

[moonglowmama]

My son was almost 3 and then almost 4 when his 2 sisters were born at home. He absolutely loved their births, and loves telling other people, including his sister about her birth. He views birth as just a normal, but great family event and in NO WAY was traumatized.

For the record, my daughter who was born when he was almost 3 was diagnosed shortly before her birth with a fatal neural tube defect. So, she was somewhat deformed, but just like all parents, all he saw was her beauty. He kissed her and held her, did eskimo kisses with her and sang to her. He didn't see anything wrong, and in that state of after-birth bliss neither did we. We just loved her the best we could for the short time we had with her. She died in our arms about an hour after her birth. Later he helped me bathe and dress her to prepare her to go to the mortuary. I think in our current culture, the miracle of life and death are seen as some atrocious event, but really they are just a normal part of everyone's life. I fail to see the harm in presenting them that way.

Our second daughter (who's living) was born at home in the middle of the night. My water broke about midnight and nothing really happened for the first 2 hours, then I had increasingly stronger contractions until she was born at 4 am. I wasn't expecting such a fast labor and dh was gone to get the birth pool from my midwifes. So, ds ended up keeping me company as I labored, and he was totally calm. He knew (as we had taught him) that I was having to breather weird and make noises to work to get the baby born. He just sat by me, talked to me between contractions, and brought me stuff like the phone so I could call dh to tell him to just get home, lol.

Anyway, our son is a sensitive, caring person, and I think much of that is due to the fact that he is not excluded from the events that are so big in our lives. Plus, he had a really peaceful homebirth.

If you were talking about a medicalized hospital birth, it might be wise to not allow a child to be there. In those scenarios fear fills the space and children are so very sensitive to that. However, you're talking about a homebirth, which will just be another day in the life of your family, but with the beautiful addition of a new sibling born and your family re-created in new ways. You already know how normal it is to have a child around for the birth. I think kids are smart and will remove themselves if it's too much. And they'll return when they want. It's nice for them to have the space and permission to know that its ok either way.

[Astraia]

Well, my sister and I were both there when my brother was born at home. I was 6 and she was 7.

She remembers it as being the most amazing thing EVER and I don't remember it at all, ha.

I think if your kids have been adequately prepared- and know that you making noise and blood does not mean something bad is happening- then I think they'll see it for what it is- an amazing experience, a new life coming into the world.

As long as they don't have to be there and you have an adult to play with them quietly in another room if they feel like, I really don't see how it could be a problem.

[mntnmom]

Ask him what "exactly" will be so traumatic. In as non confrontational about it as possible. He is being emotional. He needs to think about what the 2 of you hope to accomplish, and how to do that.

[sweeetpea]

My older kids were 7 and 4 when DS2 came along. We watched videos together, and I told them about the noises I would make. Definitely prepared them for the baby coming out the "baby tunnel", and the fact that there would be blood and goop.

When baby finally decided to make an appearance, I moaned, groaned, sang, hummed, swayed my way through my longest ever labor. While I was making noise, DH had taken the older kids to the basement to get them out of the way, remove them from the scene, whatever. They did not get to see their brother born. Their memories of his birth are of me making loud noises while they were watching a movie on TV. I am actually really angry with DH for removing them, even though he did it so that they "wouldn't be traumatized". They were more upset that they could not see me to make sure I was okay while I was making noises, than they were about the noises.

He brought them upstairs right after baby was born, so they did see him right away, and DS1 cut the cord later (a big deal for him!), but I think that they would have hung out with me (and the midwives, the doula and my mother), had DH not assumed that his fears and anxieties were theirs, too.

[bobandjess99]

my initial reaction is to go off on your dh in a very uav way, LOL!
but honestly, many of us homebirth so our kids CAN be there.

Thatbeing said, dd was a bit traumatized by ds's birth. His birth was EXCRUCIATING, and right at the end, as he was coming down, so i was already in late-transition HELL, he turned and i had back labor..the pain was beyond imagination, and i started SCREAMING bloody murder..like, truly terrifying, OMG-I'm being hacked to death by machetes, burst-your-eardrums, SCREAMING. DD started crying and flipping out just as ds was crowning. Poor dh..he was in a pickle trying to comfort dd while also catching ds (it was a UC, there was no one else there) so it was a hariy couple minutes, but then it was over and everything was good.
Just talk to him. rebut everything they said, and yes, forbid him from talking ot them again. I'd also, unless you are relying on them for housing or something, seriously sconsider punishing them severely and not letting them see the grandkids, etc. but i'm really a B!#$% like that.

[greenthumb3]

Well, you can see this two ways: shame on them for ruining your plan of trying to be sly about having the kids there for the birth, or an opportunity you can take to talk with your spouse about this option of having the kids there before the birth. Might be a good thing for your marriage for you to be proactive and assert what you want with you DH, listen respectfully to him and his feelings, educate him on what you know about birth and children attending (or learn it together) and then make a decision as a couple. It's both of your family, right?

[thefreckledmama]

My oldest was 5 almost 6 when she witnessed (when I say witnessed, I mean saw EVERYTHING) my youngest be born. I prepared her pretty much the same way you have, seeing videos of birth and such, talking about things that will happen. The only part she was even a little bothered by was when I vomited during transition. As for the birth, she thought it was awesome. Had she been a couple years younger, I don't think it would have made much of a difference.

I think if children are prepared to know what to expect, and everything about birth is normalized, they're not going to be traumatized in the least. It's when children have absolutely no idea what to expect, and don't understand that mommy crying/yelling/making funny sounds, is totally normal, that you run the risk of having upset children.

Especially if the children won't definitely be in the room, I think it's silly for your husband to think they'll be traumatized.

I personally would be more traumatized by my children being away from me, and having to worry about the care they're getting from someone else.

Yet another argument for not discussing one's birth plans with people who would be anything less than 100% supportive.

[mysticmomma]

my 2.5 and 5 y/o's were just at our homebirth. no scarring or trauma. We had ppl here to support or remove them if needed, but they were insistent on a front row seat.

[ShwarmaQueen]

DD will be almost 5 when I HBAC. I don't plan on sending her away from the house (although my mom has already volunteered to do so ) but DH knows that if she starts getting upset by my laboring (crying, moaning, screaming, puking, etc.) than it's ok to call my mom to take her, but bring her back as soon as baby is here.

[mommy2two babes]

As it stands right now we haven't really come to any consensus.
I refuse to send my kids to my ILs house for more than a couple of daytime hours max and only if it was 100% neccesary.
During the night/sleep over is over my dead body.
My Mom is really ill right now and I definatly don't think it would be a good idea for the kids to be at her house even under the supervision of someone else. It would just be far to much for her. I would be worried the whole time and not able to relax.
I can ask my sister to come here and help with the kids if need be but they will be at the house and he is going to have to deal with that.

I don't really care if the kids are in the room with me if they don't care.
I don't want them to be turned away if they do want to come in with me.
This is where DH and I disagree. He was a bit upsett watching the afterbirth with DS and he is definatly projecting that onto the kids.
I don't think that he would have even given it a second thought if it hadn't been brought up.

[Pookietooth]

Ds doesn't want to see the birth, he's afraid there may be blood. So he will be with a friend instead. But in your situation it sounds like they are prepared and would be fine with it. Why doesn't he see this?

[gillibean]

My kids were 7 and 5 when my youngest was born and they were both there (and excited) for the birth. My 5 year old actually rolled up his sleeves and said, "I'm the doctor." I didn't really do anything to prepare them for it, just let them know that I would probably have some pain but that it was okay.

[SamuraiMom]

Ds/7 said he would scream for me and Dd/5 said I could hold her hand! I would love my eldest Dd/11 to be there, but she won't, she refuses. Maybe you could find some children's books on HB, told from the childs point of view for your Dh to look at! I like this site,

http://www.attachmentscatalog.com/gifts/bkkhb.htmlr

[threadbey]

I wanted ds (2.5) to be there, but he was at school and came home with our neighbor right as pushing was about to start. I wanted him there (pushing with him was easy, in my memory) but dh asked the neighbor to take him for about an hour. I think that was absolutely the best thing because this tme pushing was really hard! It wasn't too long, but I was screaming like anything, which I had not prepared ds for because it didn't happen the last time

it would have been fine to have him there for the first stage, which was pretty easy.

We got him back before the placenta came out and he didn't find that at all traumatizing - I don't think kids that young know enough to be upset by blood, and we had looked at the (pretty graphic) pictures if births in The Miracle of Life.

We have wonderful labor photos this time which I will probably show to him later, my only worry is he will want to see pics of HIS labor and we don't have any.