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Relationships and weight issues (x-posted in parents as partners) - Page 2

post #21 of 25
I really appreciate the sympathy and concern expressed here. I can't speak for OP but I can say that while I understand how awful my DHs words sound, there is a level of simple reality that I feel like I have to deal with here. My DH is a lot younger than me, very attractive, and is in a business where women tend to swoon and stop by his workplace to leave cookies and hams etc (not for him in particular, but for all the guys (and few ladies) who work there). And, a LOT of the guys he works with cheat on their SOs. One guy even went to a wedding without his wife of a year, met another woman, and went home after the wedding and kicked his wife out and is now married to the chick from the wedding!

We also live in an area where the single male to single female ratio is SO SO off, healthy, marginally sane, barely employed (and unemployed) men are still so strongly sought after. I've seen how women surround him and now that we have a baby, you should see the sharks circle in the water when they think he's alone.

Now trust me, I know that just because all this happens around him and us, doesn't justify if he's unhealthy for me to be in a relationship with. But his honesty has come along with SHOWING - not just saying, but SHOWING that he is still committed to our relationship.

I could go into many details on how his actions show that, but the main one is that when I tell him that I want him to be honest, but saying things certain ways feels abusive, he doesn't say those things that way.

If he's not attracted to me since having the baby in terms of sex, I don't know what to do about that but I hardly think that makes hima bad person. I've been in past relationships with "really great guys" who I really wished I was attracted to, but in the end I wasn't and had to let them go because living a lie isn't an option.

My DH and I have been through a LOT. A LOT! And while this is very hard and I don't like that he feels this way, I'm much happier it's onthe table and we're both dealing with it, than that he not say anything and cheat or just leave me.

He's lucky to have me because I'm a great catch. But he's also a great catch, and I think overall we make a great couple, and this too shall pass! Also, he still talks about maybe wanting another child, which unless h e's got connections with the Man Upstairs, he'd need to have sex with me to do, so maybe there's still hope....

[ETA] I also have to say I've had a lot of bad feelings, hurt and anger about how he feels about my pregnancy and post pregnancy body, and I don't want to make it sound like it's easy. But we're currently dealing with some stuff he does that makes me crazy and it's a negotiation. And we're still trying to figure it out because at the root of it, we've both gone through a lot to stay in this relationship when each of us could have left, and we're trying to make it work. But I've got some non-negotiables and have broken up before when it felt like we hit them, but we worked it out and those specific things have not been issues again (at least not as big as they were). He's someone who listens (eventually!) and learns (eventually), and that is very valuable.
post #22 of 25
Thread Starter 
I, too, do not blame DH for his honest preference. He can't help it that he feels that way, I just wish I didn't react so negatively to his honesty. I am starting counseling tomorrow though (thank you medicaid) to work through all this.
post #23 of 25
Just wanted to offer hugs.
I had a partner who told me I was too fat to be intimate with, not that he was in HIS basic training form the way I married him either.

Some men do find it difficult to be with a pg. woman. Not that it's ok to make any of those comments that he made.

And if he's in the military which emphasises fitness and has weight limits he may be more prone to that mindnset than other ppl.

I had anorexia and bulimia as a teen and I still struggle with body image issues, I think the thing that helped me when I was pregnant was to focus on the amazing process of pregnancy and breastfeeding and the creation of a beautiful new little person. It puts the physical imperfections in check for me. But it took a lot of therapy and actually getting pregnant and HAVING to eat nutritiously in a co-dependent mindset for my dd that got me out of my restrict-purge cycle. It's messed up, but's it's what saved me.

The other thing I did was Tell myself the messages that you would want the child you are carrying to hear about his or her body. Like as I saw my stomach balloon-"Baby, you are getting big and strong" Rather than "OMG look at that basketball with red stripes."
post #24 of 25

I think that joint counseling would be a good idea too. It is so inappropriate to withdraw physical support during pregnancy because you gain a few pounds. And what happens if your DD has asthma or some other breathing issue and needs to take steroids as a teenager? Will your DH then "lovingly" tell her she needs to lose a few pounds to attract a boy?

Pregnancy is hard enough without having the person you love stomp on you for your body changes. Guess what, bodies change as you age too. He seems to have bought into that whole, "you get a 20 year old wife for the rest of your life" thing that the media has going on. Ridiculous.
post #25 of 25
LOL, about your comment about getting a 20 year old wife for the rest of your life.

I sure did not sign on for a 400 lb. Wilford Brimley And he hasn't even had four babies.

I agree get counseling for yourself and for you guys as a couple if he will go. He may have some insecurities of his own.
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