How Do You Preserve Your Relationship With Your Parents When You Become a Parent?

[Beene]

I ask because I am at the end of my rope. My mother has always been a very emotionally removed parent. She IS emotional, but is incapable of healthily expressing her feelings and tends to be very passive aggressive or condescending. Now that I have had my son, she LOVES him. Buuuut, she refuses to see me as a grown adult (I am 27!) and, most importantly, as his MOTHER. She still talks down to me, insults my lifestyle and authority in front of my son (ok, I KNOW he is only 6 months old, but he won't always be), and showers him with material wealth such as clothing and toys (which I am in no position to do financially or morally). She acts competitive with me and our conversations have become snappy and short-fused. I feel like if it isn't about my DS, she thinks I am wasting her time. It is as though she has disowned me and is too stubborn and defensive when I confront her and let her know she is insulting me and my new family when she says things like "Your mother is CRAZY. OF COURSE you need to eat more solids! You WANT this strawberry, don't you?" to my son. A good example is today. I called her to ask her advice on whether I have the flu or a mild case of mastitis (she has a medical degree) and she was short and snappy. Annoyed. She kept saying, "I don't know. I have no idea. But if it's mastitis, get rest, fluids, and stop breastfeeding." Now, she knows my intention to BF for a long time to come, but to her it is a competition because she stopped BFing us when we hit 6 months. So she wants to make me feel bad. I hate this brand of evil, especially when it comes from my own mother. She is constantly trying to compete with me, disrespect and demean me, all while showering my son with gifts and attention. She also talks badly of me behind my back to my sister (who sees my side of it and is really close with my mom, but tells me the truth), but that's just a whole another story.

Now, to make matters worse, her and her oyfriend are staying with us next weekend because my sister has a family day at her college. My DH conveniently and purposely (I don't blame him) booked a retreat yoga weekend for himself so he doesn't blow up. I wish I could go too, but they do not allow children. So I will be stuck hosting my mother and her boyfriend in our small apartment while trying my VERY VERY VERY darnest to just keep the peace. Any advice for survival???

[staceychev]

I don't have any advice on how to get through the weekend. But, I think your mother sounds like she's emotionally and verbally abusive. She will not change (trust me: I watch my own mother get bullied by her 93 year old mother all the time). Only you can change your response to her. Either learn to deal with her, or keep your interactions to a minimum. I'm a big fan of therapy as well, if you can afford it.

Good luck. My heart breaks for my mom all the time with the abusive language she's put up with all her life. I can only imagine how much it hurts you.

[LROM]

My advice probably takes a lot more time to prepare to do than you have, but basically it is to try to stay focused on whatever the issue/conversation at hand is about and NOT let yourself fall into her trap of emotional abuse.

So if she's being critical of something, if it's at all possible, listen to what she's actually saying and consider whether there's any merit to it or it's bullcrap. Like, don't respond emotionally, actually listen to what she says and think about it as objectively as you can.

What you'll probably find more often than not is that she's just being mean or petty and that what she says doesn't have any merit. In which case you can simply say to her: "I don't think that's true/important, but thanks for telling me your opinion." And then refuse to get into it with her!

That's what I had to do with my dad in a lot of ways, and it took a lot more practice than just suddenly being able to do it. But you know what happened with time? I got better and better at just actually considering what he said, so once in awhile when he actually had a point I could say "Ok Dad, I'll think about that, maybe you're right". AND he stopped saying a lot of the more annoying stuff because I simply wouldn't respond to it.

For people like the way your mom sounds, simply saying "I'm satisfied with how I'm parenting him but thanks for your opinion" has a great way of totally befuddling the mean parent!

Don't know if it's realistic for you to try that, but it works for many. Good luck!