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Input requested: DS's half-sibs - Page 2

post #21 of 30
I actually applaud the way you have dealt with this. I am basically in the 18/19 year olds shoes. All situations are different but my dad moved on and had another family with two other children and broke contact when I was 5 and my sister was 3. It took a long time to work through this situation, but when I was 23 or so I finally tried to make contact with my dad. I actually met him. It definately wasnt like all of those sobbing hugs and tears you see on tv. I lost touch but always knew that I had a 1/2 brother and 1/2 sister(youngest) they however were not raised knowing about us . I also was told that my younger 1/2 sister was very interested in knowing me but at the time she was only 16. Well flash forward to today, I am 29 and I found my 1/2 sister (now 22) on Myspace a year ago and had some minor conversation. I was very hesitant to get over exited. Then my family was all on Facebook so I joined but didnt log on much. Then 1/2 sister found me and my younger sister on facebook. Opening a huge pandoras box involving more of the family . My (full) sister, I believe still has some difficulties with the whole situation, but she is open to knowing her siblings. I have had alot of contact with 1/2 sister and my stepmother through facebook, but this had built up very slowly. I believe I will meet everyone soon (maybe within the month) and I am very excited yet somehow worried to get to excited. 1/2 sister and I seem to get along very well and she is very interested in getting to know my kids (around the same age as your son). My sister in law has married into a similar situation. I asked her if her daughter (4) has contact with her siblings (around 14 ish) and she says no. She really doesnt mention to her that she has siblings. I lost MANY years and MANY memories. I firmly believe that there is a time and place and maybe my time wasnt before, maybe I or my father or his wife or someone wasnt ready, but I am very happy to have this opportunity to get to know them now. What you are doing is a beautiful thing. It may not go well and I know you will protect your son from that, but if it doesnt work today, someday it might. Good luck
Sorry I just forgot to mention, that what the kids have been through is very hard to get over. Some people can move on, some can forgive, some hold a grudge, or hold onto pain whether they want to or not, there are so many reactions and they often change as time passes. It is a process and you dont know where they are on this path. It shouldnt reflect on your son because none of this was his doing, but as others have said sometimes it brings up bad memories. I think that you are doing all you can to open the lines of communication and it is good that you are not expecting any big response.
post #22 of 30
Thread Starter 
HeatherMarie: thank you for taking time to post. That perspective gives me hope that I am doing the right thing to at least try. I'd regret it if I didn't at least try.
post #23 of 30
Though not an exact fit for your situation, many of the dynamics of what the future holds for your son are similar to an adoption triad situation. It might be helpful to look into some literature about adoption reunions and how to navigate through that bag of mixed blessings.
post #24 of 30
Thread Starter 
You're right that it's similar to adoption...it is actually an adoption scenario since step-dad adopted them when they were really little. I've kept that in mind the whole time and I have examples of a variety of adoptions and blended family scenarios in my own extended family. Keeping the kids and parents in mind in those scenarios was very helpful in figuring out how to tread lightly.

The good news is that the mother responded to my email with a better than I'd hoped response! They understandably don't want contact from STBX--they have a father and STBX is no longer part of their lives. But she said that doesn't involve me or my son. The boys are interested in getting to know their little brother. The older one ok-ed facebook contact from me and DS (although DS is only 2). And the mother even friended me on facebook so that I could see the pics of the boys. That was more than I expected. If we're facebook friends, we'll be able to very gradually get used to each other over time without much interaction. I think that will be good. This is going to be a process over years. But so far, I'm really happy with her response.

She doesn't want to do more than pics until the divorce is final (which I get).

I told STBX this morning that she'd let me see the pics and he totally gets that they don't want to hear from him. I think he's just thrilled to get to know that they're ok and get a little bit of information about them through me and DS.

All in all, it was the first step and it went well. No regrets. Everyone is acting like grown-ups.
post #25 of 30
Another suggestion. Before you relay any information to your STBX, ask if it is ok to share. The daughter of my bio-dad kept him informed of my life events and it was not ok with me. IMO, he had forfeited that when he left me. I wanted to keep him as far away from me and my life as I could and I felt even by her telling him what was going on with me, he was intruding.


I am glad that you got a great response from her.
post #26 of 30
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by tndixiemom View Post
Another suggestion. Before you relay any information to your STBX, ask if it is ok to share. The daughter of my bio-dad kept him informed of my life events and it was not ok with me. IMO, he had forfeited that when he left me. I wanted to keep him as far away from me and my life as I could and I felt even by her telling him what was going on with me, he was intruding.


I am glad that you got a great response from her.
Oh thank you. I'll keep that in mind. Right now everything she told me is really generic--stuff anyone with google could find out. I don't want to step into their privacy at all. I appreciate the reminder!!!
post #27 of 30
glad you got a good response!
post #28 of 30
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by ZTMOM View Post
Even if the mother tells you to back off, I believe you should tell her sons once they are 18. The relationship is between your son and his half brothers and it is up to them, not their mother, to decide if they want a relationship or not.
The mother gets a say until they're 18. But she took the high road and I'm glad. She talked to them openly. They don't want contact with STBX or his family, but they do want to know their brother and possibly meet at some point. I even got the ok to contact the oldest via facebook. So I sent him a message acknowledging how wierd this all is and leaving the ball in his court.

The mother actually was IM-ing me a bit this morning (I was surprised about that!). She's a little shook up, but she's taking it well. I think maybe they had a hint that DS existed because she mentioned that they're still in contact with STBX's cousin once in a while and he'd know all about us.

Now we'll see what happens.
post #29 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by RollerCoasterMama View Post
All in all, it was the first step and it went well. No regrets. Everyone is acting like grown-ups.
So very glad to hear! It actually made me teary eyed reading that the older kids want to get to know their younger sibling. That is really sweet.
post #30 of 30
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by sostinkinhappy View Post
So very glad to hear! It actually made me teary eyed reading that the older kids want to get to know their younger sibling. That is really sweet.
I haven't had direct contact with the 15 year old, but I've emailed with the older one a little bit just to get started (mom reads the emails as I expected -- and as I would do in the same situation!!). We've got the boundaries clearly defined. It was a little rocky getting everyone on the same page but we're there now. And now we move forward. This has been hard on them bringing up old hurts. And they're going to probably need quite a bit of time to realize that ghosts of the past aren't going to storm in and disrupt their lives. I think after a few months of normal, they'll realize that.

I'm immensely grateful that the boys seem genuinely interested in my son though.

As hard as it was to do this, I have no regrets. I think it was the right thing to do, and they've all been very generous in being willing to even talk to me about my son. But I think my instinct was right that they wouldn't have been so accepting if I hadn't mentioned the divorce. Having the happy new family show up would have been much harder to deal with.

Thanks everyone for the different viewpoints. They have been helpful for me to keep in mind the rights and feelings and struggles of all the people involved. This isn't over, and I'm sure we'll have hard parts again in the future. But the first step is always the scariest.
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