helping 3.5 y.o. deal with upcoming death in family

[newbie_mary]

My father was just diagnosed with end-stage pancreatic cancer. I'm wondering how to handle this with my 3.5 year old DS, who has already been somewhat obsessed with death lately - asking lots of questions, and saying that he doesn't want to die, asking me when I'll die, etc. Anyone been through this and have any helpful hints? We are not religious.

TIA

[meemee]

if you do a search on death you will see a million threads on this subject.

everythign that your son is doing is v. v, normal. the best way to treat it is to answer his questions directly - so listen carefully - and honestly.

i would also take him to see your daddy as much as possible. if you guys are in the same place. he will learn thru experience that the world does not collapse after a person dies. he will understand what it actually means.

i always told my dd what others believed and that i wasnt sure where i stood myself. and no question was taboo.

dd also watched her gparents grow old and die from lung disease. it was the best gift they gave them. she visited them often and helped in taking care of them.

answer his questions about his gpa as honestly as you can and if there is no answer tell him so.

when my dd told me she doesnt want me to die (first i went and set up who would take care of her if i died) i told her i didnt want to die either. but its not in my hands of when to die. one day i will die but i am hoping i wont for a v. v. long time .

[lexmas]

First of all, I'm really sorry. I know it's hard. My dad died in March of Oral Cancer at 63...they told us at the beginning of February that he could die at any time (complete surprise, he had just finished surgery and radiation and they said they thought they got it all...he was at no risk for that cancer, so it was just difficult throughout). He lived 6 weeks, and we were there every day, pretty much all day...he died at home, during the night, so we were not there. I had DD in May, and then we moved in with my mom to help her (my grandmother lives with her), so we talked about all the changes that were going to happen in his life while my dad was dying, just so he knew the things that would happen.

DS was almost 2.5, and not very verbal, so I'm sure that's very different. We are also not religious. How is your dad? Can he talk and interact with you?(my dad had a trach and could talk kind of at the beginning but as the weeks went on he lost the ability, and he lost the ability to lift his head and look at you as well) I would spend a lot of time with him, and he can tell your DS how much he loves him, etc. DS helped with my dad's care, and just played around, next to him and such, and I think it was wonderful for my dad to have him there. He was playing with him as long as he was physically able, and I think that was great. He did see him get sicker and sicker, so maybe that helped. I would focus on the time they have left together, and make it as memorable as possible, but discuss with your son that your father is sick and won't be with you much longer. I am glad that DS was able to spend that time with my dad...it was such a hard time for all of us but I think it was important for him to go through it with us.

To be honest, I'm not sure what DS thinks to this day. He says Papa is in the "stars" which, I guess, is as far away as he can imagine. He came up with that on his own. He did say he wants Santa to bring him a telescope so he can see Papa, so apparently he takes it very literally. Since we're not religious, I just told him that when people get very old, eventually their bodies stop working so they can't be with us anymore, or something like that. My dad was relatively young, but he doesn't get that since he's so little. We took him to the wake (closed casket, because I didn't want to deal with it being open, I thought that would be too hard for him), the funeral, and the burial. We told him that Papa died and all these people were there to remember him and talk about how much they love him, and how much he loves them. I did emphasize that he couldn't come back, since DS still seems to kind of think he's on a vacation to the stars. Personally, I choose to talk about how much he misses DS and how much he loves him, even though we don't believe in an afterlife. I know that it's comforting to DS, and I'm okay with that kind of a social function of it, because he's just too little to discuss it in depth.

After my dad died, DS had some issues, so he was definitely coping. He regressed in his potty skills, he insisted on wearing a baseball cap 24/7 and didn't like taking off his coat inside. There were days he slept in his coat and hat. Many, many days. He doesn't cope with change well, and this was no different.

It's hard to lose your father, and it's even harder to see your babies lose their grandparent. They do cope in their own ways, so I would just listen to what he says and answer him as honestly as you can. My thoughts are with you during this difficult time.

[annethcz]

My kids have been around for their grandmother's and great-grandfather's deaths from cancer.

It was all very gradual. We were upfront with the kids about their sicknesses to start with. And when we found out that they were terminal, we told the kids that Grandma wasn't going to get better. We were very open and honest, but answered more questions than lectured. They knew that no topic was taboo, and they were free to ask about anything. We prepared the kids ahead of time when it was obvious that their grandparents' health was going downhill. We explained about oxygen, hair loss, sores, mental confusion, etc. on the way to visit the grandparents so that the kids would understand why grandma was different.

Be prepared for some surprising questions. My youngest DD was 3 when her grandmother died, and my MIL chose to be cremated. We explained this to the kids, but DD was totally perplexed by the idea. She asked MANY times, "why did grandma want to be fired?" We're not religious either, although my family is. So we talked to the kids candidly about after-death. We explained that some people believe in heaven, some people don't, and whatever our kids choose to believe is okay. We also talked about death being a good thing for the grandparents, because it meant that they weren't in pain anymore.

[farmkids42morrow]

The best thing you can do is let your child feel the way he feels. Let him know that whatever he needs to do or say or talk about, it's ok. Sometimes kids need to talk about things over and over until you almost can't take it anymore; just try to let him express his feelings without stifling him. His age may also be a factor in his reaction - My kids were also intrigued by death at this age, in fact #4 is the same age as your son and she asks questions about death, or pretends her dolls or brothers are dying. This is a normal phase.

So sorry there is not much anyone can do but offer you comfort. Cancer is a nightmare - we lost my beloved MIL last year only 3 months after her diagnosis. Unfortunately, many other moms here have been in a similar situation. It doesn't make the pain go away, but know that you're not alone.

[babygrant]

s I'm so sorry. My kids love reading the book Lifetimes. I had a thread on here about my son's obsession with death and I got an excellent reply....I'll try and find it for you.