If you didn't tell family members...

[crunchybelle]

did you tell your children about the homebirth? We have decided not to tell the inlaws we are having a homebirth, although my side of the family knows. The only thing is I am really bummed about what to tell my 4 yr old ds. I want to tell him about the homebirth and explain things to him and talk about it, but if he knows he will almost certainly tell my mil when he sees her. He sees the inlaws pretty regularly and he is very talkative. He will repeat what I tell him in great detail.
I would like the kids (ds and 2 yo dd) to be around for the birth, maybe not in the room I am birthing in. I want them to be able to be prepared for how the birth is going to happen. Also, ds is not good at keeping secrets!

Ugh. It bums me out that other peoples negative reactions are keeping me from telling my own kids about it.

So my question is, what did those of you do who had young children but didn't want to tell certain family members about the homebirth?

[sweetpea_119]

The family we didn't tell last time lived across the country, so we didn't have to really worry about the bigger ones blabbing...

I guess in your situation, you might prep him for general birth & show him only homebirth videos (if you were going to show any) so that he had that image in his head. He's not going to know that there's any other kind of video, so if he talks about it to your family, they probably wouldn't know. And then just tell him you'll be at home at the very, very end so that he's less likely to share his info?

Tough spot to be in!

[sunflowergrrl]

I also have a 4 yr old and a 2 yr old. We didn't tell our 4 yr old anything about where the baby would be born. He never asked, either. Most of his questions were about HOW the baby would get out, and WHEN the baby would be here - much more difficult questions I think. We also planned to have childcare for the kids, and not have them in the room at the birth, so I didn't really need to prepare him for the birth. And we also didn't tell either set of grandparents :-)

[prancie]

if it were me i wouldn't tell the 4 year old. I don't think that not knowing ahead of time will spoil the experience itself. You kid will take it for granted when the time comes.

[Lineymom]

I have boys 7 and 4. The 7 yr old will keep secrets, so no worries. We have only told a few people. We have talked about it causually to the 4 yr old he doesn't know it any other way so it isn't something he is likely to mention to anyone and if he does he would probably be so vague they wouldn't know what he was talking about. Like we don't say things like "we're having a hb" or "we are not going to the hospital" Just "we are having the baby at home." I think generally people would assume he was talking about bringing the baby home, if he did say that. He is really interested in the baby, how it gets out etc as pp said, but homebirth doesn't interest him so he is unlikely to talk about it.

We aren't planning on them being here for the actually birth so no serious prep is being done for that anyway.

[frenchkissed]

I'm only 15 weeks along, but not we haven't told our families yet. We haven't been married that long so I don't feel very attached to my in-laws and since I'm the one giving birth, not DH, I don't think they need to know. My mother would probably freak out. However, we have talked about it with my son from a previous relationship, who's almost six. He has been to the midwife appointments ad is very interested in the fetal development and everything. The other day I had a high school friend over for dinner, and out of nowhere in the middle of a conversation about the pumpkin farm my son said "Mommy's having the baby at our house." LOL I'm pretty sure my parents will be hearing about it, too!

K.

[ExuberantDaffodil]

I watched some homebirth-friendly videos and read some homebirth books with my 5 year old. I don't think he realized there was any place else to birth, except at the birthing center where I go for my prenatal appointments, and the place looks like just a house (because it is one...). Because I didn't really make an issue of it, he didn't feel the need to blab about it. It's all part and parcel of "Mommy's having a baby." We've pretty much just kept the hospital mentality out of it.

[phatchristy]

You know, we never talked specific birth stuff with the inlaws. The inlaws just assumed I had them at a birth center as all my prenatal visits are at a freestanding birth center though I do their homebirth option.

All my kids were born at home, I think one time one of them said that the other one was 'born in the bathtub' or that "mommy pushed him out in the bedroom" but you know, kids say the darndest things so I don't think they even really took anything that seriously. LOL

Either way, I don't really go discussing my birth stuff with them. They know I am very naturally oriented, research my choices extensively and only do what I feel is best. It helps that I have a science degree I think too. But, ultimately where I give birth is my decision, so I'm stubbon as heck so even if they did say something it wouldn't make me budge my plans. For a low risk pregnant woman homebirth is the safest option.

[greenthumb3]

My opinion is that it depends on the child.

We are having our fourth home birth next month and my kids and I have always talked about it together. But never have they said to anyone else, "My Mommy is having our baby at home!" They don't bring it up, but they might shyly smile if someone asks, "Oh, your Mom is having a sister for you soon?" and nod. They don't talk about birth, it feels like a private family thing for them. Heck, my oldest is still getting the concept that Mommy doesn't go to hospital to have a baby; I have to keep telling them that the midwife will come to OUR house at the right time. You never know with kids what they'll get or not get...

If you are concerned that your ILs might ask your son or he'd tell them, then you could choose to tell him or not.

YK, the worst case scenario I can imagine is that you tell him, he tells them, they bring it up to you or your partner or spouse, and then you smile, look them in the eye, and pretend like you didn't hear them and ask them a question to change the subject. Life goes on.

[crunchybelle]

Thanks for all the responses. Like one pp said, he hasn't asked where the baby will be born, he is really more concerned with the how. Although somehow he remembers me being in the hospital with tubes attached to me when dd was born and talks about that, so maybe he is thinking hospital. That was a csection, so we have talked about how this one will be born differently.

I think we will talk about it with him when we get closer to the birth, and if he says something, and the inlaws bring it up to me then we'll deal with it then. Or change the subject

[hac1224]

Well, I'm due in 10 weeks (although I'll probably deliver in 7-8). This will be our first homebirth, and we haven't told the ILs yet. We are very close to them emotionally and physically (since they live next door), but we haven't found a good way to tell them since they'll probably freak out. DS1 (5yrs) & DS2 (3yrs) both know that we are having a home waterbirth and haven't spilled the beans yet. They usually see the ILs 2-3 times a week, so I guess it's just never come up.