How to help?

[Marcimama]

My friend lost her dh 1 1/2 year ago and the grief is hitting her hard this week. She called me in tears...
I am just such a reserved person I didn't know what to say/ask her.
We have know each other a long time, but aren't really deep and personal, yet I feel like she needs and is asking for me to reach out and ask some hard questions... Initially I just asked, "I am sorry you are having such a bad day, what in particular is bad?" She said that she "was just finally grieving..." I didn't know what to say... and the conversation stalled... I offered to watch her dd, but I know that she really needs to talk...ugh! I hate this! I want to help, listen, be there, but I feel like we both get in the way...

Please help me think of other things to ask her... I do care, I am so sad that she is hurting, but I don't know what to say...

[babymkes3]

I've never had a freind lose a spouse, but a really good freind had a stillborn a couple years ago.

I didn;t know what to say either so I just said "I have no idea what to say, I can;t possible know what you are going thru. But I am always here if you need me. I may say the wrong thing, how knows. But i do want to try and be here for you, so you can always talk to me anytime you need too. Just know I love you and will support you the best way i can"

Truly all she did really need was someone to listen to her, and not really say anything back. Just let her get it out when she was ready.

It has been a long journey and even 2 years later, some days she would just call and cry and say she just needed to talk. she said the hardest part was that people got uncomfortable around her, and would never bring up the lose which just made her feel like no one wanted to remember.

Everyone was around her when it first happened and then after a few weeks people driffed away and went back to "normal" life. SO just being there for your friend and calling every once in a while to see how she is doing will help her not feel so alone

[fruitful womb]

I'm in a similar situation. Only, an 18mo old baby passed away. They had the funeral for him today. Its tragic. Everyone is effected. The mom just had a new baby Sept. 30th so she has an amplified turmoil bereavement. I can't imagine. Her son drowned. They couldn't revive him and it is so so so sad.

I can't sleep.

I did some research of what NOT to say, words, phrases to avoid: from this website.

some good ideas on how to help those grieving too.

Another idea I thought of was to send her flowers and a card with money in it for food and say, "I'm here for you. Please don't hesitate to call me or come over, or ask me to come help in any way. I suck at cooking so I hope you don't mind the money for meals."

I WANT to be there for her. I WANT to help. But I don't know how either..

I can only imagine her wanting to withdrawal and steep into deep depression especially with a new baby.

Maybe you can send your friend a "Thinking of you" card.

Offer to go with her to a grieving support circle. Some churches have those and have a certain name for it, not the one I mentioned.

(((Hugs))) I know how you feel. I'm in that same boat.

I hope others who have been on the other side could chime in and posts ideas of support that they wished they had or what they did have that helped them through their grief.

subbing...

[expatmommy]

Let her talk about her husband. She is probably very lonely and just wishes that his name wasn't taboo. Invite her over on the weekends when it is typically 'family' time & she is probably lonely.

It is totally okay to say "I don't know what to say, but I'm comfortable to just be with you and to listen when you need to talk." Try and be comfortable in the silence.

[~Boudicca~]

My sister went through this with her fiance and the only thing I have found to be helpful is to simply listen and provide a safe place for your friend to vent. Talking about the grief and the person they are grieving for is really helpful, sometimes the more you talk the more it helps you see and evaluate the feelings.

[nhplantlady]

I've been on both ends...had two friends lose children (10 yo and 20 yo) and then I had a miscarriage and lost my dad all in 6 weeks. I think everyone's suggestions are excellent. Just having someone you can talk to who doesn't shy away. I think saying that you don't know how to respond but you want to be there will go so far to helping her.

What a gift that she is reaching out to you and that you care so much to ask for help!