So upset at my MIL!

[SeattleRain]

So my MIL called from vacation and we decided we wanted to let her in on the good news. So my husband says "SeattleRain is pregnant!" and she says "Oh no... is that a good thing?"

Do I need to say more?!



I'm so upset about this! I'm SOOOO happy to be pregnant and I don't want any negative energy surrounding me, especially in the first trimester.

[AahRee]

Originally Posted by SeattleRain

So my MIL called from vacation and we decided we wanted to let her in on the good news. So my husband says "SeattleRain is pregnant!" and she says "Oh no... is that a good thing?"

Do I need to say more?!



I'm so upset about this! I'm SOOOO happy to be pregnant and I don't want any negative energy surrounding me, especially in the first trimester.

Oh, that sucks!

On behalf of sane and normal people everywhere, CONGRATULATIONS!!! Have a happy, healthy and wonder-filled 9 months!

[AahRee]

Oops! So sorry - I just realized this was in your DDC!!! I need to pay more attention when I'm surfing out of the New Posts list!

Butting out now... but congrats, anyway, even though I'm not a June 2010 mama-to-be!

[Sonnet]

Bee-YOTCH. Ugh. So sorry.

[NicolleLynne]

MIL's can be tough. I find the best attitude to take with mine is just to be thankful she gave birth to and raised the man I fell in love with and pretty much ignore the rest.

Your pregnancy is a blessing! Best wishes!

[MuslimMama]

When is a child NOT a good thing? I hate comments like that!

Sorry you have to go through that

[LisaSedai]

I can't believe she said that. Maybe it's a vanity thing ( she's too "young" to be a grandmother) Hope her attitude undergoes a happy change, if not - phooey on her.

[laneysprout]

So sorry about her response. Just let it roll off your back and focus on all of the loving support you have here .

[CatholicBFMama]

I'm so sorry.
If it helps, I know just how you feel. We have a 3 year old and a 6 month old, and I'm 5 week pregnant with a "surprise". (I would never call the blessing of a child an "Oops") We decided not to tell family until I'm closer to 12 weeks, but I ended up telling my mother since she'd been concerned about the 6 month old being fussy and not nursing well. Well, since now I understand why, I thought I'd go ahead and tell her. Her response was, "Was this planned?" and then, "I'm going to have to process this for a while."
i told her that we are very happy about this and I know people are going to be concerned about us and our ability to cope, mentally and financially, but I said in no uncertain terms that we're going to be fine and I don't want people grieving this pregnancy.

We're the only Catholics in our family, and most of them don't understand why we don't use birth control and don't get the concept of being "open to life". It makes things difficult a lot of the time.

So.....I feel your pain. Just know that all of us here are THRILLED that you're bringing a new life into this world!

[SeattleRain]

MuslimMama, I think you nailed the problem for me. Even if this baby wasn't planned, which it definitely was, it would ALWAYS be a good thing! The correct response is always joy if someone's telling you they're pregnant.

You know what's weird, my doctors receptionist had the same reaction when I called to tell her I was pregnant and wanted a blood test. I'm almost 25, it's not like I'm 16 and pregnant!

[FarmerFemme]

I'm just shocked that people make such insensitive remarks about something that they 1) have no control over and 2) is none of their business! When I told someone close recently, she said "so you planned this?" Um - yes. But even if I didn't, how could your response be anything but supportive? Same to your MIL.

[Red Sonja]

Ugh, I'm sorry!

If it helps, you're not alone. DH told FIL last night and FIL's reaction was "s**t happens". Yeah.

[bananabee]

I think it's sad and stupid so many people, esp family members, have opinions about the way we live our lives. It truly is NONE of their business.

My older brother and his now 26 yr old wife just had their first baby after a few years of trying. My mother was completely unaware they were trying for so long. They didn't tell her until 2nd trimester that they were pregnant. The once or twice I've mentioned to my mom my age and how she'd had all her kids by 28, she'd refer to my brother & his wife saying, "They were so smart to wait 4 yrs into their marriage, when they're really settled down. You should definitely wait a few years". HUH?

DH & I got married May '08, I'm 29 now, he's 25. He's in the Navy. Right now we're in Indiana w/an awesome medical group, close to his large warm-hearted family who is very supportive, and I may get to have a water birth if all works out. But I made sure never to tell Mom or anyone in my family we were trying. When I was in the hospital, getting ready for surgery, and it got postponed due to finding out I'm pregnant, I did tell my mom, and straight up told her we'd been trying since Feb. Hah. She gulped but didn't say anything rude. I told her we'll be moving to SC next summer, then moving again in a year, and after that every 3 yrs or so. We are never ever going to be "settled down". If it wasn't for my back injury, things would be just peachy right now.

Anyway, I think we overly-hormonal ladies need to relax and not sweat the small-minded people who have no idea what our daily lives are all about. If I had listened to my mother about anything else in life, I'd have never graduated college, be living a hand-to-mouth existence, working overtime at entry-level jobs supporting a man incapable of or unwilling to provide for me (i.e. living her miserable life).

[Burnindinner]

I'm sorry, how maddening! My sister and her husband are expecting their first. He's going to graduate in May as a lawyer. They have been married nearly 3 years. They started trying in April, got pregnant in May. His mom (her MIL) said, "I thought [she] was better about taking birth control". Um, thanks? I don't think they ever said congratulations!

DS is 11 months. I told friends we were trying so that when I told them we were pregnant they would at least not act like it was terrible!

[*mama moose*]

I know the feeling. We are not the most financially stable family out there, but we have a roof over our heads and food on our plates....we aren't even on welfare anymore if that should matter, but my extended family FREAKED OUT when I said I was pregnant with DD2. I even had a few people tell me to abort Even though we were totally happy about her!
This baby is a MAJOR surprise and we haven't told any family at all for fear of the same reaction. I'm hoping I can hide it until thanksgiving and announce it publicly so there's less of a chance that they will embarrass themselves with bad reactions!
I'm also trying really hard to not borrow money from them so they can't then use that against me.....
Anyways, a little different situation, but still, I understand mama.

and hey, CONGRATS!!! I'll celebrate our good luck with you!

[Sonnet]

Originally Posted by SeattleRain

MuslimMama, I think you nailed the problem for me. Even if this baby wasn't planned, which it definitely was, it would ALWAYS be a good thing! The correct response is always joy if someone's telling you they're pregnant.

I SO, so so disagree with this. The correct response might be feigned happiness or polite avoidance of the situation altogether, but although all babies are human beings and are precious, not all pregnancies are a good thing. Thoughtless people get pregnant in terrible situations and then raise the children badly all the time. And it's not a miracle WE'RE performing, but one that God or Nature performs in tandem with or sometimes in spite of us. Thoughtless, selfish breeding shouldn't be praised or encouraged.

That said, it's clear that you're not in that situation, but no, all pregnancies are not thrilling or joyful. Some of them are awful mistakes. "I'm a thoughtless girl negligently pregnant AGAIN by my stupid deadbeat boyfriend with no idea or plans about how to raise it well" isn't a joyful situation, it's a nightmare.

[AahRee]

Originally Posted by Sonnet

I SO, so so disagree with this. The correct response might be feigned happiness or polite avoidance of the situation altogether, but although all babies are human beings and are precious, not all pregnancies are a good thing. Thoughtless people get pregnant in terrible situations and then raise the children badly all the time. And it's not a miracle WE'RE performing, but one that God or Nature performs in tandem with or sometimes in spite of us. Thoughtless, selfish breeding shouldn't be praised or encouraged.

That said, it's clear that you're not in that situation, but no, all pregnancies are not thrilling or joyful. Some of them are awful mistakes. "I'm a thoughtless girl negligently pregnant AGAIN by my stupid deadbeat boyfriend with no idea or plans about how to raise it well" isn't a joyful situation, it's a nightmare.

Okay... if you think someone else's pregnancy is a nightmare (which implies that you somehow have all the information about the situation and the right to judge it, which is fairly unlikely...), no one can require you to change your opinion. But the old adage applies: If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

[Sonnet]

Originally Posted by AahRee

Okay... if you think someone else's pregnancy is a nightmare (which implies that you somehow have all the information about the situation and the right to judge it, which is fairly unlikely...), no one can require you to change your opinion. But the old adage applies: If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

Well, yes. Which is why I said this: "The correct response might be feigned happiness or polite avoidance of the situation altogether..."

I wouldn't tell a woman in that situation that I thought she was making a terrible mistake unless she were my own teenaged daughter, but as a point of discussion, the fact remains that many attempts at parenting turn out very, very badly, and you don't have to be a family therapist to see that in action.

Do I have the right to say that the Divine shouldn't have put that child in that situation? NO. Do I have the right to THINK that maybe the PARENTS shouldn't have? Absolutely. When the daughter of a friend is pregnant at 21 for the third time by what amounts to a near-stranger, when both of her other children are in foster care and she won't stop smoking while she's pregnant this time either, she's not performing a miracle and I'm not happy for her. I'm horrified. I won't say anything at all, but you certainly won't hear me cooing "OH, CONGRATULATIONS! A BAAABYYY!!"

[Red Sonja]

Originally Posted by Sonnet

When the daughter of a friend is pregnant at 21 for the third time by what amounts to a near-stranger, when both of her other children are in foster care and she won't stop smoking while she's pregnant this time either, she's not performing a miracle and I'm not happy for her. I'm horrified. I won't say anything at all, but you certainly won't hear me cooing "OH, CONGRATULATIONS! A BAAABYYY!!"

And this situation is really not relevant to the situations being discussed in this post.

[Sonnet]

Originally Posted by Red Sonja

And this situation is really not relevant to the situations being discussed in this post.

The first post I made on this thread was to commiserate with SeattleRain about what happened to her and to acknowledge that it was a crappy thing for her MIL to say. However, then the discussion evolved and broadened, as they do on message boards. So, when someone made a statement that went beyond this situation to a more general one ("The correct response is always joy if someone's telling you they're pregnant."), I responded in a more general way. I would think that on a board for women who care about Mothering, situations that turn out poorly for children would be deplored.

My point is that a child is a good thing. However a pregnancy (the action of the parents) isn't always. I was clear from the beginning that I wasn't speaking about SeattleRain and her pregnancy, and that I don't think telling people that you don't agree with their choice to embark on a pregnancy is called for, but as for the general statement made by someone else on this thread that all announcements of pregnancy should be met with joy, I disagree. When the child will suffer, I don't feel joyful.

SeattleRain, I will apologize for diverting from your original topic by responding to the more general statement. I had no intention to offend, and have been more than clear that I empathize with your personal situation.