So upset at my MIL! - Page 2

[jones1327]

SeattleRain-

First of all, congrats on the impending arrival!! Second, I know how you feel. When my DH told my MIL I was pregnant with DD the first thing she said was "I don't know how you think you are going to be able to afford THAT." followed by "Well, I GUESS I am happy if you are happy." Well, jeez, thanks. We were 25 years old, married, and both worked.

I really do think she is one of the "you stole my son" MILs....which I hope I never become

[maybemom05]

MIL's can be tough!! We haven't told mine yet. I know she'll be happy, and she'll want to be helpful, but her idea of helpful and mine are often out of synch.

[SeattleRain]

Originally Posted by Sonnet

I SO, so so disagree with this. The correct response might be feigned happiness or polite avoidance of the situation altogether, but although all babies are human beings and are precious, not all pregnancies are a good thing. Thoughtless people get pregnant in terrible situations and then raise the children badly all the time. And it's not a miracle WE'RE performing, but one that God or Nature performs in tandem with or sometimes in spite of us. Thoughtless, selfish breeding shouldn't be praised or encouraged.

That said, it's clear that you're not in that situation, but no, all pregnancies are not thrilling or joyful. Some of them are awful mistakes. "I'm a thoughtless girl negligently pregnant AGAIN by my stupid deadbeat boyfriend with no idea or plans about how to raise it well" isn't a joyful situation, it's a nightmare.

I guess I just think that it's not anyone's place to judge. To me, we're a loving and stable family for a beautiful new human being and we have enough to give a good life. To my in laws, I'm unemployed and we're too young. So to them, they think I'm negligently pregnant and that I'm doing "selfish breeding." Besides, my husband and I are personally pro-life, even if this baby had been a horribile accident (which it wasn't) we would have gotten our head around to be excited.

[SeattleRain]

Originally Posted by Sonnet

The first post I made on this thread was to commiserate with SeattleRain about what happened to her and to acknowledge that it was a crappy thing for her MIL to say. However, then the discussion evolved and broadened, as they do on message boards. So, when someone made a statement that went beyond this situation to a more general one ("The correct response is always joy if someone's telling you they're pregnant."), I responded in a more general way. I would think that on a board for women who care about Mothering, situations that turn out poorly for children would be deplored.

My point is that a child is a good thing. However a pregnancy (the action of the parents) isn't always. I was clear from the beginning that I wasn't speaking about SeattleRain and her pregnancy, and that I don't think telling people that you don't agree with their choice to embark on a pregnancy is called for, but as for the general statement made by someone else on this thread that all announcements of pregnancy should be met with joy, I disagree. When the child will suffer, I don't feel joyful.

SeattleRain, I will apologize for diverting from your original topic by responding to the more general statement. I had no intention to offend, and have been more than clear that I empathize with your personal situation.

It's ok, I actually see what you're saying. I should have been more clear: for ME, her only response to us should have been excitement. It's our first baby, we've been married for over two years and we're madly in love. She should ahve been happy for us. I can see how it might not be right for everyone.

[Sonnet]

I appreciate that, very much. I didn't mean to say anything upsetting and I'm glad you know that. I think that by dint of being here, on a board about Mothering, you, I and the rest of the people here show that we care about children and good parenting. I wish that were true of everyone.

It was a truly awful thing for your MIL to say. She sounds like a charmer.

[SeattleRain]

Originally Posted by Sonnet

I appreciate that, very much. I didn't mean to say anything upsetting and I'm glad you know that. I think that by dint of being here, on a board about Mothering, you, I and the rest of the people here show that we care about children and good parenting. I wish that were true of everyone.

It was a truly awful thing for your MIL to say. She sounds like a charmer.

Oh you have no idea....

[Pinoikoi]

Originally Posted by CatholicBFMama

We're the only Catholics in our family, and most of them don't understand why we don't use birth control and don't get the concept of being "open to life". It makes things difficult a lot of the time.

CatholicBFMama, I just wanted to say that I find myself reading your posts quite a bit. I am also a Catholic (and becoming more and more so every day).. DP and I were both "raised Catholic" but are connecting with our church a lot recently (as in the past couple of years).. neither of my parents were very traditional Catholics, so I just wanted to say that I find your posts inspiring!

[*mama moose*]

Sonnet, I see what you're saying, I really do, but like SeattleRain I think the problem arises when different people have different ideas of what deserves joy and what deserves silence (or pity, or disdain, or whatever.) With my first DD, I was 19, in an abusive relationship and then in a battered women's shelter, and then sleeping on my dad's couch, with NO job, NO money....nothing. Most people would (and did) try to politely ignore the situation, which made it pretty obvious to me how they felt about it.
I clearly remember when I moved back to my dad's house, my ex-step mom stopped by with a big box for me, full of maternity clothes, gave me a big hug, and a sincere congratulations on expecting a beautiful new life. She was the first and one of VERY few people who treated me that way. I was happy about my DD. I was scared as heck, but I was happy and thankful for her. No one cared to ask me that, because they saw the outside situation only.
Then at 6 months pregnant, I married my best friend, who is now my awesome, amazing husband, and the outside world saw us as a happy young couple expecting a first child, and I got a lot more of the congrats I think I deserved.

And now, like I said, I'm 23, expecting my 3rd, we are low income. I am a good mom. My husband is a great dad. I think we deserve congrats, even if it was unexpected. But I know my family will react badly. And that sucks. And I think thats what SeattleRain was talking about too.
And like I said, I get what you're saying, especially after you clarified, no one wants to see babies born to mothers who don't want them or don't take care of them or abuse or neglect them. I guess my point is just to not judge a situation by its cover, you know?
And I type this all with peace and love, ok?