WWYD?? DSD sad with us... - Page 3

[HappiMomof4]

You really need to be complimented on how hard you work at trying to keep your little blended family happy and healthy. That first day of school picture situation was downright rude and I don't know how it went down (did she get the picture of just the three of them?) but I used to get put through that too...every family function, my DH would get cornered and it was almost like a game....before we knew it he had his son on one side, his daughter on the other side and mommy was snapping pictures. This went on for years and it happened whenever she was in our company. He never saw those pictures, he never got copies of them and if I wasn't at the function, there was no photo session. Yes, I think there is manipulation going on in your case and please don't doubt your instincts. Trust your gut. You live with these people; you've been around DSD's mom for years and you've been exposed to her behavior. You're trying to help your dsd by getting her some help and her mother is against it, why? Are we afraid of what this little girl might say? Unless dsd gets permission to be part of her dad's family, she is always going to be torn, and will never be happy and that's sad. I hope the therapist is able to help identify what is keeping her locked in a past that she can't possibly remember.

[Oh the Irony]

Originally Posted by JSMa

There is no way she has vivid memories from age 2. All the therapists talked to agree on this point... these memories are coming from pictures or things told to her.

I don't know if it is memories exactly or just a sense. I have a five year old who was also two when his dad and I split. I thought the same type of thing--that it was good that he couldn't remember dad living here. But he does...and he wants very badly for his dad to live here again and for us all to be together.

And my five year old hasn't been through a remarriage and sees his dad weekly. Kids can have some very intense feelings.

This girl has been through a lot. And from other things I've read she sounds like an intense kid. My 5 year old is too.

I have found that the "time in" with a focus on observing what they are doing and also noticing the behaviors you want to encourage to be very effective.

The Nurtured Heart by Howard Glasser has some great info as does The Explosive Child. I also want to read The Connected Child.

The Love Languages for children book is also very good--if her love language is quality time the arts and crafts project pays off. If it isn't her love language then it was just a project. You may have thought you were doing something valuable to her but it really wasn't. Just an example... Speaking her language will build the connection and ease frustration.

I have two sons that are very different. I actually have to parent differently with them. My first, it is a very natural process. My second is so intense that I have to be more structured, but in a very positive way.

Glasser does use time-outs but very respectfully imo. And what are you doing them for? I think you really have to pick battles with this.

You may have to adjust your parenting rather than the child adjusting to fit you. It really gives them a sense of security and acceptance.

This parenting stuff is hard work at times and in your situation so complicated. As bronxmom said, focus less on fixing and more on understanding.

[Smithie]

"No wonder she is mad and sad at our house... she probably feels her Dad abandoned her and him being with me and her sister is what is keeping him from still living with her and her Mom."

Well, someday she is going to learn what really happened. And that probably terrifies Mom to no end - that she will eventually have to explain and account for her behavior and the consequences of it. No wonder she doesn't want your dsd to have a relationship with her father!

If it seems like your marriage is going to weather the storm, I would really, REALLY suggest going into mediation or something to get this crappy custody situation changed. The idea that your husband would be ASKING his ex for a week in the summer, instead of having a big block of the summer as his time to START with - it's just an impossible situation. And the choice of school next year could make a huge difference, too - a better location and a start time of 9 a.m. could suddenly make it feasible for your dsd to be at home with you living her life during the part of week, instead of being your bimonthly visitor.

All the logistics are stacked against your husband here. You need to change the game. He may not be Prince Charming, but he has always sought to be involved and he has always paid the support and he can provide a stable home, and his ex does not have the right to take away his child just because she wanted a different man in her life. She needs to spend MORE time in your home, not less. You need to find a way to get to the point where Mom concludes that alienating your dsd from your family is a lost cause, because you are never, ever going to stop loving her and fighting for her right to have a home with her father, stepmother and siblings.