Daughter Said She Got Called to Principal's Office -- But Didn't

[1xmom]

My daughter came home yesterday upset b/c she said she was called to the principal's office for "bullying". I was shocked b/c my daughter (who is in the 4th grade) has never been in trouble or have behavior issues. Also, three of her friends were called as well. They have been having problems with a little girl at school and my daughter has complained about her. I told my daughter maybe she is trying to fit in since she is new and to try to work it out.
Well, the mother of the little girl called the principal and said the little girl's were bullying her.
When I (along with two other parents went to see the principal, she said my daughter was never called to the office . I don't understand why my daughter would tell me that. I am very upset with her and am not sure where to go from here. Any advice?

[tinyblackdot]

Maybe the other little girl told them that her mother was calling the principal, and she just assumed that she would be going to the office.

[1xmom]

No, the other little girl never said a word to my daughter and her friends. I just don't understand why my daughter said she was called in and wasn't, especially since she knew I was going in to question the principal.

[lindberg99]

What did your daughter say when you asked her why she told you that?

[karne]

Is your dd very sensitive? Maybe she felt that she was getting in trouble, or was spoken to about the situation? Did the principal speak with her at all?

[1xmom]

Yes, my daughter is extremely sensitive, sometimes it drive me crazy. And from when I talked to the principal this morning, she did not talk to my daughter at all.

[kofduke]

could she have talked to someone else at the school -- counselor, vice principal, dean -- and she was confused and thought it was the principal?

[MattBronsil]

If I may...without sounding too harsh. I just want to bring a little reflection from my perspective on it.

Your daughter is highly sensitive and you're making this issue into a sensitive area. Don't be mad at her. Just say to her, "Well. I talked to the principal and (s)he doesn't think anything is wrong. You cannot remember bullying anyone. Looks like a big goof up. Let me know if you remember any more details if you need me to help."

[runnerbrit]

Maybe your dd feels guilty, like she SHOULD have been called in? I remember when I was little if I did not stick up for someone that was being teased or bullied I would feel bad about it later.

If her girlfriends are being bullies perhaps she feels bad about not standing up to them; especially because you say she is very sensitive.

[1xmom]

Your daughter is highly sensitive and you're making this issue into a sensitive area.

Didn't think about it like that, but that makes sense. My dd is soo dramatic, emotional and sensitive. Sometimes I wonder how we are going to survive when puberty hits full force. She is only 9 right now and can get very over the top w/her feelings, etc.
She gets very emotional when her friends are upset. She literally "feels their pain".
It's just this one little girl that is causing so much trouble and accusing the girls of bullying. Last week we talked about the little girl and b/c she is new I told my dd that maybe she is just trying to fit in b/c she really doesn't know anyone. My dd and the other girls have tried reaching out to her, but she is not being receptive at all.

[Tigerchild]

Originally Posted by 1xmom

It's just this one little girl that is causing so much trouble and accusing the girls of bullying. Last week we talked about the little girl and b/c she is new I told my dd that maybe she is just trying to fit in b/c she really doesn't know anyone. My dd and the other girls have tried reaching out to her, but she is not being receptive at all.

If I were you, I would be careful about making those assumptions. You don't know that it's not your DD's friends (with your DD participating indirectly, if not instigating) that is "causing so much trouble."

How do you know they've "tried reaching out to her". What does that mean?

IME, a lot of times children DO become very defensive and emotional about their friends. So if your DD's other two friends WERE called in, and she is part of the group, it can be hard to separate herself out. She may genuinely feel that "WE" were called into the office, regardless of whose bodies happened to be in there, because that is her group. I have heard lots of girls in particular make "we" statements about their group, especially when they feel there is a need for solidarity. WE are mad at Susie. WE don't like Jack. WE don't want to read that book. We don't sit with those kids at lunch. Ect.

Don't put this all off on the allegedly bullied child 'causing trouble'. Though I think if you really want to know if your DD had a role, be it passive or active, the better person to talk to is the teacher, not the principal. Even if a parent complains, generally the principal will consult the teacher as well.

That is a tough age. To some degree us vs. them is very natural around 9 and 10 (sometimes even earlier). I think the best you can do as a parent when there are conflicts within a class is to listen very carefully to all sides, and help the kids work through conflict resolution, instead of assuming that it's one kid "causing so much trouble". In reality, there's probably several children having trouble relating to each other, and they need support to resolve it, not assumptions and blaming.

[GuildJenn]

With respect to the bullying you definitely need to read this book - Queen Bees and Wannabes: http://www.amazon.com/Queen-Bees-Wan.../dp/1400047927

With respect to the principal's office, I'd leave it be - who knows what she was thinking. As long as it's not habitual, ehn.

[1xmom]

I think I am going to leave the principal's office issue alone. I would probably just leave the whole thing be had my dd not been crying at lunch one day last week when I came to eat with her. But two of the other parents and I are trying to set up a meeting with the teacher to see how the girls can get this whole situation worked out. It is only the beginning of the school year and if there isn't some type of resolution, it's going to be a long school year at that.

Thanks for all of your replies, they have really been food for thought and a different insight on the situation.