"I Hate You" - DS

[BabyMae09]

I have been trying SO hard lately to be a good Mom, Partner, DIL, etc, etc, etc and I still can't go through one day without hearing 'I hate you' or 'You're mean!!'

DS is seven, DD is five months, almost. DP and I have been together for about 1.5 years. Yes, you did the math right. Anyhow, I realize DS has had many, many change in the past 2 years, and so I feel like I'm SO careful to tell him how much he means to me, spend time doing things for him, etc. I'm exhausted at the end of every day. Yet it's still not enough for DS

I unschool DS because he is very smart, and wouldn't have done well in a traditional setting. So we're with each other all day, every day. DP is around about 3-4 days per week, working about 45 mintues away the other days. We live with my IL's, which of course adds to my stress level, although to be honest, they're pretty cool. I think my stress with them has more to do with my own feelings about myself.

Anyway, what to do about DS? I feel like we're drifting apart. We used to be so close, but I just don't have the time to spend with him that I did even a few months ago. Help, please!

[AbbieB]

DD6 loves to tell me she hates me when she's mad at me.

She is just venting the best way she knows how. It's a big improvement from her very physical tantrums last year.

I think it completely normal for a kid to act out with any one of the changes you have listed, let alone all of them.

The first year of a baby's life is so intense. I think it quite natural for mothers to feel a little disconnected to their older children during that period. Everyone's adjusting to their new roles in the family and it takes time to grow into a new family structure.

Have confidence Momma. You will see that as you come out of the new baby haze that your relationship with your first born is still there and intact. It just might be that you will need to find new ways to connect with each other after all of the new growth that has taken place.

Keep on telling him how much you love him. He hears you.

[CorasMama]

Don't worry about the "I hate you"s. It's perfectly normal and age-appropriate to test that stuff out at this age. I had two stock answers when DD pulled that. They're very different, and you have to be aware of what's going on in their heads to know which one to use, but they're very effective.

If she was obviously testing it out, or testing me, or trying to hurt me, I'd say, "yeah? Well, I still love you, and there's nothing you can do about it, neener neener neener?" in a sing-songy voice. This also has the added benefit of lightening the mood sometimes.

If I thought she wasn't doing it to hurt me, or she was saying it just because she was hurting, and I thought she was open to the lesson, I'd say, "that's really hurtful to say. I don't believe you mean it, but no matter how mad you are at me, I still love you."

Of course, now that she's nearly a teenager, my response to things like "WHY ARE YOU SO EVIL???" is just laughter, because, well, it's funny.

[AbbieB]

I often respond with, "Well, I love you always and forever."

I know it gets through because at other times DD will add the "always and forever" when I just say "I love you."

[meemee]

next time he says he hates you remember the hidden things he also said were - mom i dont really hate you. i am really frustrated at the moment and the only person who will love me for who i am and will be able to read between the lines of hate you and you are so mean.

i am surprised you havent heard it earlier.

with my dd i am brutally honest with her. i have always told her she doesnt need to love me just coz i am her mother. she should love me only if she feels love towards me. i tell her sometimes i dont like her action either. but i dont hate her. just didnt like what she did.

i think you are feeling the disconnect because you are taking his comments to heart.

it was that exact comment that connects me with dd. i accept it as a badge of honor more powerful than i love you. its her way of saying 'mama i know you will always love me no matter what. and so i can afford to express what i want to because i know you will not hate me'.

if you still cannot see this, then its time to talk to your ds about boundaries. about how you really dont like those words and why.

[newmommy27]

the line we use is "that is ok I have enough love for the both of us"


very loving, not sarcastic and totally disarming

works for us

[HappilyEvrAfter]

We did kind of the same thing, but what really moved us on from the "I hate you" phase was "renaming".

When he would say, "I hate you" I appropriately renamed it for him...."You're feeling anger. That's ok. Just know I love you no matter how you feel."
I kind of think they need to know that anger is not hatred. Hatred is a different and stronger emotion than anger....yes, hatred is fueled by anger, but it's different.

Then we went through the "Momma, stop saying that." phase.
I explained to him that when he stopped telling me that he "hated" me then I would stop repeating that "mantra".

When he finally "got" the "Momma, I'm ANGRY at you" statment down. I moved on to, "It's ok to be angry. I get angry sometimes too. Let's handle this by talking."
We discuss the issue, find a plan and then on to the "I love you" part.

It doesn't always work so smoothly..., but that's what got us past the "I hate you" words.

That's my ....fwiw.