what the teacher said to me at parent-teacher conference

[A&A]

Ds is in 2nd grade.

His teacher said to me: "He's all boy."

I said, "Yes, he is."

She said, "You just have to take what's boy about him along with the good in him."




I couldn't believe she'd make such a sexist statement!

I stammered, "Well, gender is a big part of identity, so what's 'boy' about him is also a huge part of what is good about him."

But the more I think about it, the angrier I get.



Thoughts?

[Bokonon]

Wow! What a horribly negative thing to say (and think!) about males! Your response was perfect - I probably would have just stood there baffled and then thought of something to say later!

[Happily Blessed]

I would have to ask the teacher what she meant by that statement.

[carmel23]

I would have asked her to explain, too.

Maybe there is some behavior she is addressing that she used the word "boy" for as a euphemism.

Not right, but its hard to be right all the time.

[A&A]

Originally Posted by carmel23

I would have asked her to explain, too.

Maybe there is some behavior she is addressing that she used the word "boy" for as a euphemism.

Not right, but its hard to be right all the time.

Well she did go on to say that he sometimes has trouble staying on task, talks too much, got too muddy at recess today, etc. -- behaviors she is automatically labeling as "boy" and at the same time, systematically criticizing boys as a whole with her statement.

I'm just wondering if I said enough or if I should bother writing her a follow-up letter.

[A&A]

ETA: I decided to buy the teacher a book on gender differences in the classroom. (written by Michael Gurian...he's the best.)

[GuildJenn]

I am so indignant about her statement and sad for your son and my son. I think your choice to buy her a book was great.

[2xy]

These behaviors aren't limited to boys, but boys typically do exhibit these behaviors more often.

I don't see this as a problem with boys, but as a problem with grade-school classrooms. They're geared towards female behavior and usually run by females. Women who become teachers are women who did well in a classroom setting, and they can't understand children who don't.

[henny penny]

Originally Posted by 2xy

I don't see this as a problem with boys, but as a problem with grade-school classrooms. They're geared towards female behavior and usually run by females. Women who become teachers are women who did well in a classroom setting, and they can't understand children who don't.

Bravo! I love how you put this into words.

[SunshineJ]

Originally Posted by A&A

Well she did go on to say that he sometimes has trouble staying on task, talks too much, got too muddy at recess today, etc. -- behaviors she is automatically labeling as "boy" and at the same time, systematically criticizing boys as a whole with her statement.

You just described my kindy daughter - and pretty much ALL of her classmates regardless of gender. What a stupid comment to make, and really it doesn't make any sense to me whatsoever. *I* was the kid like that oh, until I became the adult like that, and I can assure you there's nothing "boy" about me!

[Heavenly]

Originally Posted by A&A

Well she did go on to say that he sometimes has trouble staying on task, talks too much, got too muddy at recess today, etc. -- behaviors she is automatically labeling as "boy" and at the same time, systematically criticizing boys as a whole with her statement.

I'm just wondering if I said enough or if I should bother writing her a follow-up letter.

Funny, sounds just like my daughter. Is she "all boy" too? Some people.

[sunnmama]

I thought talking too much was stereotypically "all girl"

Her comments don't even make any sense. None of that is in any way "boy" vs "girl"--even if you buy into the boy/girl stereotypes. The two students in dd's 3rd grade class who disrupt the class the most (getting up, talking too much, off task) are girls.


That said, she was probably trying to cushion her criticisms of your ds's behavior by describing them as "typical boy" (rather than some sort of disordered behavior to be overly concerned about). IME, when someone says "all boy" or "all girl", they intend it to be a positive appraisal--even if some of the behaviors are problematic in the classroom.

[blizzard_babe]

Originally Posted by 2xy

Women who become teachers are women who did well in a classroom setting, and they can't understand children who don't.

Wow, really? I'm a woman who became a teacher, and I certainly didn't "do well" in the classroom, especially at a young age. It's part of why I became a teacher. Just sayin'... if we're talking about stereotyping...

On-topic, however. Yeah. That teacher needs to get her head on straight when it comes to gender (both "typical behaviors" and how to talk about them in a non-value-adding/subtracting manner).

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Originally Posted by A&A

Well she did go on to say that he sometimes has trouble staying on task, talks too much, got too muddy at recess today, etc. -- behaviors she is automatically labeling as "boy" and at the same time, systematically criticizing boys as a whole with her statement.

I'm just wondering if I said enough or if I should bother writing her a follow-up letter.

Interestingly, she just described ME in second grade. As a matter of fact, and you can ask my mother, my first and second grade teachers really didnt like me (how can you not like a 5 and 6 year old, especially if you are a GRADE SCHOOL TEACHER?) because of these character "Flaws".

[Maggie05]

Originally Posted by 2xy

Women who become teachers are women who did well in a classroom setting, and they can't understand children who don't.

This is just as stereotypical as what the teacher said. As someone who has been a teacher for 18 years, I have worked awfully hard to study, understand and work with students who have difficulty in the classroom setting. While this setting is not always ideal, it is the only setting that a good teacher can work within if they want to be a teacher.

According to observations by my supervisor, principal, parents and the students themselves, I do a very good job understanding students who have difficulty in a classroom setting. And so do many, many of my collegues.

[ecoteat]

I'd be willing to bet (not knowing your son at all, obviously, so I may be way off here) that she was just trying to find a kinder way to say sometimes he's a pain in the butt. Some teachers try to sugarcoat what may be a criticism. I know I have. (I used to HATE parent-teacher conferences because I used to be so nervous about upsetting parents! Now I am in a tiny school with a tightly-knit school community, so it's all friendly banter at this point.)

But what a foolish way for that teacher to try to communicate her point. I think giving her that book is a nice idea.

While some people are griping about stereotypes, I'll throw one in. My 6th grade math teacher said to me once, "I'm surprised you're so good at math, Amy. Usually boys are better at math." HA! I showed HER as I zoomed through advanced math all through school. 20+ years later I have that moment etched in my brain and nothing nice to say about that woman.

And Maggie05, thank you for saying what I was thinking. It is my responsibility as a teacher to understand all of my students. All those years of college, professional development courses, teaching experience, and reading are what shape how I interact with my students--not only my personal childhood experience!

[loon13]

Originally Posted by A&A

I stammered, "Well, gender is a big part of identity, so what's 'boy' about him is also a huge part of what is good about him."

Wow. I'm actually impressed that you came back with such a great statement. I wouldn't have known what to say and probably would have said nothing.

I'm sorry she said such a comment. I don't see how it could be construed in anything but a negative way.

[A&A]

Originally Posted by loon13

Wow. I'm actually impressed that you came back with such a great statement. I wouldn't have known what to say and probably would have said nothing.

I'm sorry she said such a comment. I don't see how it could be construed in anything but a negative way.

Thanks. It just makes me angrier the more I think about it. Yes, I know it was a euphemism and she was trying to "soften the blow" of what she had to say, but she actually made it worse putting it that way. I thought about this....what if she had used race instead? What if she had said, "Well, you have to take the (race/ethnicity) about him as well as the good." That would be so egregious! And putting gender in there doesn't make it any better.

His 1st grade teacher loved his "boy energy," so it's just a little weird to deal with a teacher who doesn't like him (at least in some ways) and is so obvious about expressing it.

[loon13]

Originally Posted by A&A

Thanks. It just makes me angrier the more I think about it. Yes, I know it was a euphemism and she was trying to "soften the blow" of what she had to say, but she actually made it worse putting it that way. I thought about this....what if she had used race instead? What if she had said, "Well, you have to take the (race/ethnicity) about him as well as the good." That would be so egregious! And putting gender in there doesn't make it any better.

His 1st grade teacher loved his "boy energy," so it's just a little weird to deal with a teacher who doesn't like him (at least in some ways) and is so obvious about expressing it.

It does sound like she was trying to put it in some sort of positive way, but it fell flat. I like to hope she thought about what she said and realizes how it sounded.

It is quite difficult when it seems as if your child's teacher doesn't know what to do with your dear child. Teachers can make all the difference with how a child does at school. DD's teacher last year said to me impatiently "I don't tolerate whining." (And I remember thinking "you have a class of 6 year olds. You're tellling me they never whine?") But DD's teacher this year is very much about how many things the children do are age appropriate and she just seems so much more accepting of all the kids.

[chiromamma]

Originally Posted by A&A

ETA: I decided to buy the teacher a book on gender differences in the classroom. (written by Michael Gurian...he's the best.)