After we had DS (about a year after we got married), things got tougher. DS has SPD and was a difficult baby (and is a difficult toddler). We also have a DD who is now 8 months old. We moved far from family when DS was about a year old and have struggled a great deal financially since then (the local economy tanked right when we moved here. We get by, but it's very very stressful. We also live in an incredibly HCOL area and I couldn't even get a job if I wanted to because I couldn't earn enough to offset child care for 2 kids.)
Our main point of contention is DH's laziness. I do all of the cooking and cleaning, I take care of any errands, bill paying, etc. that are needed. I also do most of the child care in the evening. DH goes to work.
We've fallen into a pattern of both being lazy during the evenings- I'm resentful that he won't do anything and I attempt to do the same but then the kids need attention so I grudgingly do it while he sits on the couch. I decided I needed an attitude adjustment and made an effort today to focus on our kids 100%, no matter what DH was doing. I played with both of them in our bedroom while DH sat on the couch. I had a great night and was proud of how I worked on ME doing something rather than HIM NOT doing anything. He wasn't interested in joining us and when DD was crying and needed to be fed and put to bed, DH grumbled about having to get DS something to eat.
He's grouchy. Constantly. He often says things like "Don't you listen???" or "What's your problem?" to DS. DS was running around our ottoman today and it annoyed DH. He put his foot on DS's back and pushed him. Not hard, but it's not the physical part that bothers me. DS cried and I just imagined what a helpless feeling that must be. He looks forward to seeing his dad all day, and this is how he treats him? I was putting DD down and DS was asking for something to eat. I dont know if DS was just being too loud or what, but I saw DH toss a pillow at him to get him to stop whatever he was doing. Again, not hard, but something that obviously upset DS (and me).
I'm embarassed that others have noticed how little he does. A few weeks ago we sat outside with our neighbors and grilled out. DS wanted me to read books to him (and sit on my lap) and DD was crying and wanting to be held. My friend held DD over me so she wouldn't cry while DH just looked on. He barely held DD when she was small because he said "I don't like holding babies." (He snuggled DS a lot when he was tiny. They would take baths together every night to bond.)
I hate this. I want so much more for my kids. I'm not some idiot that married a deadbeat. I didn't marry a grump who wanted to sit on his ass and watch TV. I used to wish he was home more often because he had so many hobbies that he was gone constantly. Now he sits on the couch and watches junk on TV. He's also gained a considerable amount of weight, which I think contributes to his funk.
There are certain habits that are deal breakers for me. He's picked up chewing tobacco. EW. I never, ever would have dated someone who did this. But, suddenly, after 7 years together (and knowing that I hate it) he picked it up. And refuses to stop. I asked him to at least not do it in front of me but he does anyway. He leaves the disgusting spit cups around. Both kids have knocked them over. DS sees him do it and thinks that's what grown ups do. Great, now I get to be married to a grouch who also will lose his teeth and get mouth cancer? Hooray!
He's constantly pessimistic now- I made peanut butter cookies for him today (his favorite!) and he complained that we had no milk. I have dinner ready when he gets home and he complains about what we're eating. His miserable but nothing is going to make him happy.
I demanded counseling a couple of years ago and he refused. I've begged since then but he always says no. I just looked online and there's not anyone in our area that works on a sliding scale (plus, DH makes quite a bit of money, he just supports 4 people in a really expensive area.) They were $150+/session which we can't afford. At all.
But, what am I supposed to do? I love being home with them and I can't be if I leave. I have a degree that will pay peanuts. I'd have to move closer to my family and there are no jobs there (not even part-time waitressing or anything. That area is really REALLY suffering right now.) And then, what? DH would get the kids for the summer? I'd miss every other holiday? They're involved in activities and get to do fun things now. If I leave we'll be on food stamps and they'll be in a crap daycare or something.
I want love, but how the heck am I supposed to find that? I'm 27 years old with 2 kids. I have a degree that I've never used. I dropped out of grad school to stay at home with DS.
I'm so angry at how much he's changed. I'm angry that I pictured so many things for my kids and they don't get those things now. I'm furious that I have no power in this.
What do I do? I'm sleeping on the pull out couch tonight. I'm miserable and sad and angry and just...done. I don't know what to do.