How to get DS to dress himself, gently

[greenmansions]

DH & I have been in disagreement about how to handle this. I should say that DH is laid off right now and is way more involved with our routines than he normally would be.

DS is 5 1/2 and in kindy. He has always been slow to take on "self care" tasks, including holding his own spoon, putting on his shoes, pottying, etc. DH is adamant that he should be dressing himself in the morning and evening. I really could care less about it, but since this is causing tension between us I guess I would like to try something to help DS along with this. It also has become a power struggle between all of us, creating big ugly scenes in the morning especially, and I'd like to diffuse that and get our son on the path to dressing himself in a gentler way.

Does anyone have any advice/suggestions for us? What worked for you? TIA.

[kamane18]

[Qestia]

have you tried playful parenting? Like you could dress him, but do it all wrong, so he has to do it right.

DS started dressing himself after I had his little sister--I'm just usually involved with her and I think he gets tired of waiting for me to do it. Plus if I dress him--I get to pick his clothes. He really likes picking out his own clothes.

[4evermom]

I decided helping my ds get dressed was one of the ways he felt loved. Ya know the 5 languages of love thing? (It's a book.) You aren't supposed to be able to tell with young children but I always thought service (my doing things for him) was his primary love language.

He started doing more on his own but at 5 1/2, I was holding out his clothes while he stepped into them. I'd pull a shirt over his head and he'd put his arms through. There is just no point making it into a power struggle or worrying about it. Some kids just take longer with the self care stuff.

Remind dh that the relationship is the important thing, not all these little details that ds is going to grow out of.

[4evermom]

Maybe you could get out some books and leave them out for dh to take a look at? I'm thinking maybe Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Lives of Boys. I think there is a video version, too. Also Unconditional Parenting, also available on dvd. Maybe make popcorn and watch it together after the kids are asleep? It might open up a dialogue and help you two get on the same page. A lot of guys like the Unconditional Parenting dvd. My husband liked it and the Raising Cain book, too.

[greenmansions]

4evermom, I do think that my DS sees being helped with things as an expression of love. I think this is made more of an issue because DH always is pushing him to grow up, and do more things for himself (be more independent). I view it more like, oh jeez, the little guy is on the go all the time and when I dress him I actually get to stroke his back and hold his little body. That time will be gone quickly and I want to savor it.

Part of what is motivating DH to get DS dressing himself is that he sees what a rush I'm in in the morning, and how difficult it is to get everything done that needs doing, including dressing the kids. So maybe I need to drag myself out of bed a few minutes earlier so that I can get them dressed without feeling so much time pressure. And if I can do it while DH is in the shower, any bickering over the issue would go away for now.

Thanks everyone for providing some clarity to this situation for me.

I have added Raising Cain to my library request list, so hopefully it will be available soon. I recently picked up The Wonder of Boys at the goodwill store, but have not started it yet. Has anyone read it? DH will not read any parenting books. Not really sure why, but he just won't.

[4evermom]

A lot of guys are resistant to reading parenting books. My dh is a reader but won't read most, either. Something about them turns him off. He did like Raising Cain and if you like it you might want to try to get it on dvd for your dh. http://www.pbs.org/opb/raisingcain/

Maybe you can set things up before bed, whatever prep you can do the night before that would help make the morning smoother. Maybe have ds sleep in comfortable clothes so you don't have to get him dressed in the morning.

[Qestia]

Oh yeah -- I used to do that with DS for a long time, just put him to sleep in his clothes for the next day. Definitely helped!

[ernalala]

I think I just always put Ds1's clothes ready in the same place, in the evening o (on week/pre-school days), and at one point I found he already dressed himself in the morning. Sometimes with fail and error, but by 5,5 he's pretty proficient only sometimes struggles with socks. Sursprising, since ds2 who's always been the much more 'independent one' has no intention of learning to dress himself soon. He has an issue with clothes at times (sensory) and sth him taking clothes/shoes out for the xth time irritates me so much (because it's me hacving to put those back on, x times/day!). But if that's what he needs, it's what he ought to get. One day it'll be with him like with ds1, he will start to dress himself when he's fully willing and ready to do so. Picking clothes by himself, he likes to do for a long time already, but also refusing the clothes we choose for him .
Don't make it a battle or a rush indeed.
Sometimes I still make that mistake and I know it and it doesn't work like that anyway.

[greenmansions]

Today I got the kids dressed while DH was in the shower and it went sooo smoothly without him involved and stressing everyone out. I am going to try to keep that up for now. DS was dressing himself over the summer, but I think he's going through a little regressive period since starting kindy in September.

DS is still in a night diaper (usually dry in the morning in recent weeks tho), so I don't really want him to wear his clothes for the next day to bed.

[LynnS6]

Our ds has always been 'slow' for self-help things. I'm 90% sure I was helping him get dressed when he was in K.

He's 8 1/2 now, and he's gotten himself dressed without any intervention from us for at least 2 years now. It was the sort of thing that just happened. Before that, he needed the support. For ds, acts of service are DEFINITELY a way he feels loved. As much as I cursed the time it took when ds was little, I find myself missing that time now!

Dd is 5 1/2 now, and still often needs help getting dressed. She can do it, but won't unless the stars are perfectly aligned. I'm OK with it. She's more independent than her brother was at that age, and I know soon I won't have to any more.

It sounds like you've got a decent solution. Another thing to try is to have him bring his clothes in to your room and you get dressed 'together'. That's what I do with dd a lot, and then when she needs help, I can just reach over easily and do it.

[titania8]

i'm so glad to read this thread. i sometimes get frustrated with my boys for not being more involved with getting their clothes on (like they just want to flop around like newborns), but i never thought of the possibility that they see us doing it as an act of love. interesting. and obvious, once its pointed out! also good to see that its totally normal for 5 and 6 year olds to need help getting dressed.

[greenmansions]

Originally Posted by titania8

i'm so glad to read this thread. i sometimes get frustrated with my boys for not being more involved with getting their clothes on (like they just want to flop around like newborns), but i never thought of the possibility that they see us doing it as an act of love. interesting. and obvious, once its pointed out! also good to see that its totally normal for 5 and 6 year olds to need help getting dressed.

Yes I helped DS put his pj's on tonight, while DH was doing something in the living room, and he gave me a HUGE hug afterwards (DS, not DH). So why would I want him to dress himself before he's ready?

[reezley]

Ohh.... I never thought of it as perceived as an act of love. I just thought he didn't want to try, when he's in those "I need help!!!" moods in getting dressed. Thanks for that perspective.