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Originally Posted by Ann-Marita
But I don't WANT to still care!! That hurts too much! I don't want to know (once again) that no matter how much I loved her, needed her to be a good mother (or even just an average one), that I will never have that love returned, will never have what every child deserves from their mother.
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I am so sorry. I have been estranged from my father for 12+ years, and one of the hardest things in dealing with the grief process over the estrangement was exactly this that you have said. Even though my father is not dead yet, I have been grieving the death of the father-daughter relationship I wanted for many years, and it's very painful. (Made more so by the fact that he actually was a pretty good dad for many years....went off the deep end when I was already grown.)
My dad is ex-military and now works overseas in dangerous parts of the world. He's 71 and not getting any younger. I dread waking up and reading his name in the paper in a casualty report. Or finding out from his wife (whom I've never met) that he died. Or not finding out from his wife that he died.
It is a very, very hard thing grieving the loss of the relationship that should have been, even if the estrangement was necessary for your mental health and sanity.
I am so sorry for what you are going through.
I hope you can find some answers that bring you some measure of peace. I'm not sure there's ever "closure" to be had....but if you can get to a place you can live with it, that's sometimes the best you can do.
As far as your sister....you could write her a letter, mail it in an outer envelope to someone in another state, and have that person mail it with no return address. You don't actually need a return address to mail a letter. If it doesn't get there, oh well -- you won't know either way. If it would make YOU feel better to let her know, then you should do it. But don't do anything to jeopardize your self or your family.
