Sad about leaving baby

[zuzunel09]

I couldn't find a thread like this, but I know there are lots of mothers here who can't afford to stay at home. I get so sad about thinking about leaving my 2 month old to work again, but my husband says it has to be done. I'll be leaving the baby with him but still don't feel good about it; in fact I'm a little jealous. Anyone want to share some coping strategies?

[lolar2]

There are lots of threads on this subject in Working and Student Moms. However, what exactly are you asking for? Support and reassurance? Advice for how to swap roles with your husband so that you can stay home and he can be the breadwinner? Advice on how to stretch your budget to stay on leave for longer? All of the above? We're happy to help, just need a little more detail on what kinds of coping strategies you mean.

There is one part of your post that concerns me, from the finances point of view. You said you are going back to work because your husband says it has to be done. Does that mean he is in such total control over all the family finances, that you don't have access to basic information about the budget and how much you have in the way of savings and income? Or do you have the information, but you disagree with him about how to interpret the information? You and he do need BOTH to have access to the family's financial information, and you need to have some kind of agreement about what it all means, or you could run into financial trouble down the road. (Some would also say marital trouble. I don't know that that's necessarily the case; I can think of some couples who could be and are OK with one another that way; but definitely financial trouble.)

[beansmama]

Why does it "have" to be done?

[lolar2]

Originally Posted by beansmama

Why does it "have" to be done?

That's the question, isn't it? If it really HAS to be done, OP should know why that is, not just take her husband's word for it. I had to go back to school, but I knew why and so did DH.

[ewp11100]

Last year I was at that point where I KNEW this year I would have to find a job and send my oldest to public school. I take care of the fiances so I wasn't depending on Dh to tell me. I was very emotional especially about not getting to homeschool. I cut everything possible we were down to eating beans and rice and counting miles driven in a week into the budget. You have to work on YOUR rules! If you can't leave your baby, don't. You may find you have a cut in $$ coming in but it may be just enough for now. I found a job working in the child care center at a gym, free membership plus a little money and could bring the kids with me. I clean houses one day a week (3 hours) and left the kids with hubby for 3 hours but it paid so well it meant I didn't have to spend almost x3 as many hours at my gym job. We will be moving in November and I'm already in the works of starting my own in home child care. Staying at home (homeschooling) and making money can be done!

[Carson]

Beyond the husband commanding that she has to go back to work, I'm sad that she's leaving the baby with him and doesn't feel good about it.

We are in that situation - I will be working FT while DH watches DC. I can't think of any other person I would rather have as the primary care provider for our child. I feel very lucky we are in the situation we are in.

[L J]

Hey mama,

I feel you on this. I became a single mama when my son was about 6 months old, and went back to work full time when he was 8 months. I work in the restaurant industry, and my hours are long and erratic. I carried a lot of guilt around for a long time, feeling bad for leaving my son and missing so many things.

But, I think I have finally found some peace with the situation. My son is growing up into a bright, caring little boy and I know that he will see that his mama did what she had to do in order to provide for him.

We don't have much, and probably won't be "ahead" for several more years, but I think his having witnessed the struggle, he will probably take less for granted than more "comfortable" (financially speaking) kids do.

We all do the best with what we have, and unfortunately, not everyone is able to stay at home with their kids full time. But, I am sure that you will find a way to make the time you do have with him quality time. I can say this - I may not get as much time with my child as other moms do, but I make a big effort to be completely present during the time we are together. I am sure that since you are dreading leaving your baby as much as you are, you will find yourself doing the same.

I wish you the best!

[MyLilPwny]

My husband said I "had" to go back to work too so I can sympathize because I was so sad leaving my 3 month old baby at the time, she was so young . The reason I had to work was because then we could not afford our stupid interest-only overpriced home's mortgage payment, which we had stupidly bought at the peak of the housing boom in 2006. I told him that we need to just let the old dilapidated house go into foreclosure, but he wouldn't have any of that. I was also mad because a little over half of the money I was making was going right towards my husband's really expensive racing car's payment! It took a little over a year for my husband to realize that our house losing half its value and it probably never recovering, plus us having to eventually pay principal on the house in a few years anyway---would make us unable to afford it then anyways so he agreed to let the house go into foreclosure---finally...grrrr. So finally we stopped making payments on the house in May 2009 and I got to quit my job the following month and we've been staying in the house ever since and I stay home with my daughter now. I was not a happy camper while I was working and complained all the time. Now everything is good though.

[Noelle C.]

Sometimes it's a reality that both parents must work to make ends meet. If two incomes are needed, is it fair that one person should stay home and one person work two jobs? Many, if not most, moms WANT to stay home and insist there has to be some way to make it work, but it's just not always possible.

OP, I'm sure he's jeaous of the time you get with the baby to yourself while he's at work too. Jealousy goes both ways. My fiance is already extremely jealous and our baby's not even born yet.

If it comes down to not making ends meet and having the basics, then, like it or not, working just might be what has to be done. It's so much nicer to have the other parent for child-duty rather than to have to rely on a daycare though. Be glad for that.

[SuzyLee]

Originally Posted by Carson

Beyond the husband commanding that she has to go back to work, I'm sad that she's leaving the baby with him and doesn't feel good about it.

Well, I can totally understand it, and it is the reality for a lot of men, I think.

My husband tries very hard but is just honestly very baby with babies. I had to go abck to work @ 2 months PP because DH had been laid off, and it sucks to leave DS home with DH all day, both because I missed him and because I knew DH and DS were both miserable.

OP, if your DH has a really hard time with your DC, you may have better peace of mind with your DH working and the baby going to daycare. And eventually, your DH willg et more comfortable with the baby and things will get better.

[lolar2]

Originally Posted by Noelle C.

Sometimes it's a reality that both parents must work to make ends meet. If two incomes are needed, is it fair that one person should stay home and one person work two jobs? Many, if not most, moms WANT to stay home and insist there has to be some way to make it work, but it's just not always possible.

That's entirely true; my concern was that the OP just seemed to be taking her husband's word for it. Even if he is absolutely right that it is necessary for her to work, both spouses should be able to do that math on their own.

[wendyland]

I've been through it three times. It has helped me to have the "it takes a village..." perspective. It's been good for my daughters to spend time with other people. I make the most of our evenings and weekends together.

I do think it has been good for my kids and for me to have time apart and with other people. My kids have all turned out great. It has partially made them who they are.

[Satori]

Wow, I'm surprised at most of these posts. Based on the OP post I just assumed she has a much higher paying job then her DH which will support the family where as he can not so she has to work and he will be a SAHD. Its not all that uncommon anymore for this to happen. She has asked for support and coping strategies not wild guessing and judgment.

To the OP, we have a working and student mama's forum, you might have better luck there from working mama's

[_ktg_]

Originally Posted by Satori

Wow, I'm surprised at most of these posts. Based on the OP post I just assumed she has a much higher paying job then her DH which will support the family where as he can not so she has to work and he will be a SAHD. Its not all that uncommon anymore for this to happen. She has asked for support and coping strategies not wild guessing and judgment.

To the OP, we have a working and student mama's forum, you might have better luck there from working mama's

[ZTMOM]

My situation is different now, but I used to be in a similar situation as you.

In my case, my husband's jobs were flexible (he could work from home & outside the home nights & week-ends) ... my day job had health insurance & we needed my income.

I was lucky in that I was able to reduce my hours & still get full time benefits at 30 hours/week.

My kids have never been in day care, so I don't know what that is like. But, as much as I loved my husband and wanted he & our daughter to have a wonderful relationship ... and my belief that fathers should have the same rights as mothers in raising their kids ... I still wanted to be there with my baby girl. I still cried when I left her.

Things I did to help me get through it:
Slept with my daughter whenever I wasn't so tired it actually scared me to do so.
Nursed her on demand (lots of night time feeding).
Pumped at work (got up really early so I could pump before work & nurse her).
Got her in the habit of getting up early in the morning before I left so we could hang out a bit (EASY to be grateful we didn't have to pack up for a drop off at day care).

It really helped me (even if it made me teary) when DH sent an e-mail update, photo, video ... or would meet me for lunch.

You can do this. In my case, it was an awesome thing. My husband is an incredible father because he was given the opportunity a lot of dads don't get because a lot of mothers just do it & I see dads sort of step aside. My daughter adores him. She has an amazing sense of humor that she got from spending the first 3+ years with her dad. Dad's tend to have a different perspective & I think it's very valuable.

I can go on for hours with advice, lessons learned, but I've got to get going!

ETA: My son adores his dad, too, even though we don't see much of him because he now has to work an obnoxious amount of time so I can be home with the kids. It was his choice for me to quit so he could take a new job, though. He loves his new job.

[shelleyd]

OP,
I'm sorry you're struggling with this. My situation is not the same but we have some things in common. My dh lost his job a year ago while I was pregnant with dd2. Now I'm in school everyday while my dh is home with our two daughters. I feel bad that I was home everyday with DD1 and she never had to take a bottle, et cetera. Now with dd2, I returned to school when she was only 5wks old. I mostly have made peace with the situation. It is still hard to leave in the morning when my dh is snuggled in bed with the girls.

But here is the upside. I know that my dd's are being cared for by the only other person in the world who loves them the way I do. They are in good hands. I've also learned to let go of a lot of micromanaging. Dh does just fine all day with the girls when I'm gone even if he doesn't do things my way. In fact the other day he and I were laughing as I asked him a question about how I should prepare food for dd2. It is a real role reversal from the way things were with dd1. And lastly, I see that he is so much more comfortable with dd2 than he was with dd1 as a baby. And dd1 LOVES her daddy spending all day with her. I see that the relationship between my husband and daughters has really blossomed in this situation.

Oh and dd2 does just fine with him all day, but the minute I walk in the door, she only wants me. That makes me feel good

Good luck with making this work for your family.

[annettemarie]

I'm going to bump you over to the Working Mama forum.

[zuzunel09]

Originally Posted by Satori

Wow, I'm surprised at most of these posts. Based on the OP post I just assumed she has a much higher paying job then her DH which will support the family where as he can not so she has to work and he will be a SAHD. Its not all that uncommon anymore for this to happen. She has asked for support and coping strategies not wild guessing and judgment.

To the OP, we have a working and student mama's forum, you might have better luck there from working mama's

Thank you! I found the right forum and posted. My post wasn't about my husband, I just wanted emotional coping strategies for leaving the baby. I felt a little judged by some of the posters, but I try to listen to and obey my husband as long as he doesn't require something of me that violates the laws of God and man. He is not that demanding, but wants me to work. We survive adequately on his salary, but there are no extras and not much savings. But again, not the issue. Thanks to all.

[lolar2]

Originally Posted by zuzunel09

Thank you! I found the right forum and posted. My post wasn't about my husband, I just wanted emotional coping strategies for leaving the baby. I felt a little judged by some of the posters, but I try to listen to and obey my husband as long as he doesn't require something of me that violates the laws of God and man. He is not that demanding, but wants me to work. We survive adequately on his salary, but there are no extras and not much savings. But again, not the issue. Thanks to all.

So it sounds like you know the family financial picture and you can follow his reasoning, even though you don't completely agree with him. That's very different from just going to work because he says so when you don't understand why. The responses you got were about your financial situation since that was the forum where you posted, and any financial advisor will tell you that both spouses need to be fully aware of what's going on with the family finances. That's not judgment, that's standard boilerplate financial advice.

As far as emotional coping strategies, the most important thing is to feel that the baby will be well cared-for. You said you "don't feel good" about your DH taking care of the baby while you are gone; do you think he will do an inadequate job, or do you just mean you will miss the baby? If the former, you really need to find some other child care arrangement. If the latter, think about the special bond the baby will have with his father, and how many people wish they were that close to their fathers.