Unconditional Parenting and praise

[ComplexOphelia]

Hi! I'm new here, but could use some help with the praise idea in Unconditional Parenting.

I know I don't want to parent the way my parents did, and so I've been seeking out resources to help give me ideas and solutions. My son is only thirteen months old (ten months adjusted, he was born prematurely), so I've got some time. Unconditional Parenting has really changed the way I think of my relationship with my child, my relationship with my husband and extended family...really, with everything, and I love it!

My question, though, is about praise, or positive reinforcement. Is it ever appropriate? I'm thinking of my giggling and clapping when my son first crawled, or when he does something especially cute and I react positively. These are really natural reactions - I'm not doing them to condition him. I worry as he gets older, though, about these natural reactions to things that make me especially proud or happy or joyous. I can't imagine that I'm supposed to suppress them all the time, and be a sort of passive observer 24/7! I want him to feel his own feelings, not be proud or happy because I am, but I also want to be able to express my pride or happiness. Would it be praise, and therefore conditioning/negative, anytime it's expressed, though, regardless of intention?

How do you make sure that your natural happy reactions aren't conditioning your child to be externally motivated? Do you make sure that there is a ton of genuine positivity surrounding lots of things, not just the ones that make you especially joyous?

Any help, experience, suggestions are really more than welcome! Thank you so much!

[SpiderMum]

I look at it as sharing enthusiasm instead of praise or positive reinforcement. DD is almost 13-months and I think just reacting in a genuine fashion is just fine. I'm not doing it to control her, I'm reacting because I'm happy and excited along with her! As long as you're not judging, I think it can be just fine.

[mamazee]

Alfie Kohn is specifically talking about "Good job!" type praise that is used specifically as a reward for good behavior. So, showing appreciation simply because something is cool isn't part of what he's talking about. A few other things to consider: Talk specifically about what you see, as in, "Wow! I can see two birds and a rainbow in that picture!" Also, talk about effort rather than the result. "It looks to me like you worked hard on that!" Another thing is to talk about you instead of the child. "I like" instead of "You did". Or, "I can see" instead of "You made". The idea is to show your appreciation without evaluating whether something is objectively good or not.

[Nicolette507]

"Another thing is to talk about you instead of the child. "I like" instead of "You did". Or, "I can see" instead of "You made"."

I have a different idea on this, saying something like "you did it" encourages the child to say "I did it" and feel proud of her or himself. I have seen this often as I work with children under three. So instead of saying "Good Job!", one can use "you did it" to direct the attention to the self and not the opinion of the adult.

[mamazee]

Yeah, I guess "you did it" is a good exception to that, because it still doesn't evaluate the quality of what the child did despite starting with "you did".