screen time and mother (long vent!)

[Rose-Roget]

Grrr!!! I'm venting here now because I've been venting to dh for the past 20 mintues. Ds just turned 5. We are not zero-screen time, but we limit it a lot in our house. Ds gets maybe 1-2 hours per week at home, combining computer time and tv time. But actually, we try to even limit it more from there because he spends at least one afternoon a week at my parents' and gets nothing but screen time! I'm fed up.

When he was younger, I told my parents time and again that we didn't want him to watch more than 30-60 mintues of tv at their place. (This was generous, because I wanted zero time over there.) Despite this, he continued to watch tv incessantly over there. Nothing inappropriate, just too much of it.

Then, they bought a Wii. I said flat out, it's nice for when the cousins visit, but not for my kid. They didn't listen, so he got totally addicted, of course. So I said 30 minutes per week, maximum. HA! It's like they just broke me down so that I would just give up. So now his time there is split between Wii and tv.

NOW, she's introducing computer games to him. She thinks it's great that he really likes Mah Johng (sp?), and she "wants him to practice his mouse skills." But then tonight, dh went to pick ds up and she was saying, "Oh, I just can't stand to watch him use a mouse - it's awful! I have to leave the room." That criticism is a whole other story.

So when he spends time over there with grandma, it's tv, Wii, and computer. She tries to justify everything - tv is teaching him things and he really picks up on everything/makes connections, Wii is teaching him eye-hand coordination, and computer is teaching him thinking skills and mouse/fine motor use. She is an intelligent, educated woman who knows that too much of this stuff is bad for a brain. And she knows that it's passively stimulating, so then he has a really hard time quitting and leaving and then winding down for bed. I want to scream!

When my dad's around (he's working out of town right now), it's not as bad because he actually interacts with ds - does outside activities, plays games, reads books, etc. - in addition to screen time. But he's gone for a couple more months, and we really need the free childcare (I'm using the term loosely because it's really the screen doing the babysitting). Mom doesn't take feedback well, but I'm trying to figure out how to get it through to her to STOP without being a total b**** and without ticking her off to the point that she won't help out anymore. Ds loves being with grandma, and she loves him dearly, and I don't want to ruin their relationship by her throwing a fit and becoming too "busy" to help take care of him suddenly. What do I do???

[lonegirl]

Originally Posted by Rose-Roget

Wii is teaching him eye-hand coordination, and computer is teaching him thinking skills and mouse/fine motor use. She is an intelligent, educated woman who knows that too much of this stuff is bad for a brain.

See...I would tend to agree with her. We have a Wii (as well as an Xbox360/Nntendo DS/Leapster/I touch). Tyr has amazing hand/eye coordination. The Wii is also very interactive (we have Wii Fit and Ski and Active and Dance Dance Revolution).
He is also amazingly skilled with the computer too (bear in mind he is not 3 yet but can do more with all of these machines than many adults I know).
He can type his name and type out other words too. I think the key is to monitor what games are being played. He will have to use the computer come school time and I don't mind this.
HE is also a very active child who plays with other toys and does other activities so to me moderation is key.
Then again....we are more mainstream than I would guess many are here.

[GuildJenn]

I think there are a few issues.

I wasn't clear from your post how many hours a week your son is there. That would certainly influence my opinion about how to approach it with your parents. If it's just an hour at the end of the day, I'm not sure I would choose this hill to die on. If it's all day 3+ days a week, that's a different story.

I do think the fact that it's free babysitting influences my opinion too. I think it's wonderful for extended family to care for kids. However I also think that when you accept free babysitting sometimes you accept that you have to give up control over things that are not life or soul threatening.

I know that for you screen time probably seems that way, and yes I have read the Plug-In Drug etc. and my sympathies are with you to some extent. However I think you also have to accept that intelligent, caring people can have read the same information and come to different conclusions.

You say that your mum is intelligent and caring and has a good relationship with your kid. If that's so, you may want to consider that she may have a point. By extending some respect for her point of view in discussions, she may then have the space to respect yours.

Also, your kid may eventually self-regulate. In your post I see you said "addicted" and I really would caution you against that kind of thing. It is in the nature of children to obsess about new things and then move on. So just because your son's into it now doesn't mean he's addicted. I would just not want to be overly dramatic about it.

So what to do - I would gently discuss your concerns with your parents, in a calm and respectful way. I also think it is very reasonable to ask that the tv/game go off X hours before bedtime if it makes it hard for your son to sleep - however, your son will probably kick up a fuss, so you will need to tell him it's your rule and that you expect him to be polite when your parents enforce it. But then beyond that I think you may have to accept a little bit more Wii time than you would otherwise accept.

I honestly don't think that if your kid's life is rich in other experiences and your own home doesn't offer a Wii that it will ruin him. He has a full range of possibility around him.

[Bluegoat]

I was thinking - why not buy them a real mah jong game (I can't spell it either!)

[Alyantavid]

I might encourage some other activities, but honestly, unless it's life or death (or a similarish issue), I let my kids and their grandparents deal with stuff on their own.

At the moment, my 7 year old is at my dad's house, where he is probably watching Cartoon Network and eating popcorn and drinking pop. Not how we'd do it at my house, but I really feel that their relationship is more important than my issue with the tv or choice of snacks. And it isn't happening every day either.