Different kid for mom and dad...

[jen74]

Hi,
I'm new here. My husband and I have two children, a 6 year old daughter and 2 year old son. We're having a big problem at the moment with our 6 year old's behavior. When it is just me with the children my daughter really acts out, she's disrespectful to me, she doesn't do as she's told. When I try to discipline her, send her to time out/send her to her room - she doesn't go, she won't stay there. If I take something off her then, she'll yell at me.

When dad is at home she's a whole different child. Dad is quite stern with her and she knows that there's consequences for not listening. I get so overwhelmed with everything that I deal with during the day that recently we've gotten into a bad habit (accidentally, it became a habit before we knew it...) of me telling dh what's been going on during the day and him speaking to our daughter about her behavior, and disciplining her. Our daughter hates that, she doesn't like getting told off by daddy. But it doesn't change anything that's going on during the day. And dh and I are both not really happy with the set-up. Dh doesn't like being put into the position where he comes home and is dealing with things that happened during the day. And I just want to be able to manage to cope with my daughter's behavior!

I try using the same discipline techniques as dh. It's not like I give her a bunch of warnings before enforcing (...trying to enforce) the consequences. I admit I'm not as stern as dh is with her. It's so frustrating...I don't know what to do....

[BellinghamCrunchie]

I realize you probably just want her to behave for you as she does for her father, but there's some dynamics here that have made that less likely to happen, and its not because you're doing something wrong.

Children can "behave" just fine without sternness, or consequences, or punishment. Its not that your DH is right with his parenting style, and yours is too lax. Its the difference in parenting styles that is the problem.

When two parents discipline differently, the one who is harsher will see the better behavior, and the one who is less harsh bears the brunt of the child's anger towards the harsher one. Not only does the child not learn how to behave in the absense of stricter discipline, but all their feelings about that discipline get taken out on the less strict parent. In addition, the child projects all their self-esteem issues onto the "weaker" parent. "If Daddy tells me my behavior is not okay, he must be right, because its way more scary for me to think that my parent could be wrong than to admit I'm the one who is wrong. And if my mommy doesn't show me I'm wrong by punishing me, then then she is stupid and weak and I'm not going to listen to anything she says!"

If your DH used a less strict parenting style that didn't rely on the use of "consequences" (punishment) and fear, I don't think her behavior would be as severe with you. Instead, you and your DH would find other ways, gentle and empathic ways, that worked with her needs.

I think the main issue here is that both you and DH need to get out of trying to control your daughter's behavior through the use of threats and consequences. Sit down together and come up with a plan that both of you can implement; one that feels natural to you, that doesn't leave you feeling inadequate, that leaves your child's self-esteem intact, and that leads to your child feeling she can approach either one of you with problems and both will respond empathically.

[jen74]

Thanks for your reply. I had been saying to myself that seeing as how dh's approach was working that it was the way to go with our daughter. But I see what you mean by the differences in parenting.

And I can see in our house how a child won't learn how to behave when the stricter discipline is missing. It does at times just feel like it's 'blow out' time when I'm with our children. I wouldn't go so far as to call dh 'harsh' but he is firm, he is strict with her. I'm sure you automatically go with what you know, he had a strict, 'rules' upbringing. At times I have to nudge dh and tell him that good things are happening, go talk to her about that aswell. Although he is a lot more hands-on and sensitive than his own father was.

Dh does, at the moment, have the concept that there needs to be consequences/punishments when she acts out. Me, I'm willing to try other ways... One of dh's biggest complaints is how he comes home to everything that's happened during the day. He loves his daughter and he wants to relax and have fun with her when he gets home, instead of dealing with behavior, which I'm sure he feels obliged to do. If we can find a balance somewhere that works for us...

[bendingbirch]

That's an interesting point by itself, how so many Dads feel they are just walking into craziness at home at the end of the day. They are tired from work, the kids are tired, you are trying to get dinner on the table, etc, etc.
We have worked really hard in our house to make this time as peaceful as possible and to give Daddy some transition time, to have dinner ready to go and a short enough bedtime routine that the kids are not just exhausted and having to stay up... Hang in there, it will get better!
I would say much of the behavior of your six year old sounds like, well, a six year old...If you go back to the book "Your Six Year Old" by the Gesell Institute, much of the behavior you are detailing is mentioned in there. Maybe that would be a help to you.

Blessings!

[jen74]

Hi, it sounds like you're onto a good thing with the peaceful transition. I'm sure we could work harder on that. I think that I probably throw stuff at dh too quickly after he walks in the house... (and it doesn't help at all that during the week my daughter's regular 'low point' of the day is around the time just before daddy gets home so by the time he does I'm frustrated and have forgotten the 'choose your battles' concept...)

Originally Posted by bendingbirch

I would say much of the behavior of your six year old sounds like, well, a six year old...If you go back to the book "Your Six Year Old" by the Gesell Institute, much of the behavior you are detailing is mentioned in there. Maybe that would be a help to you.

Thanks for the book suggestion. And it's nice to hear that she sounds like a six year old!

[bronxmom]

One suggestion I have is that instead of venting to your dh as soon as he gets home, re-frame it as "this is daddy/kid time and mom's going to take a break" then remove yourself - go cook dinner, take a shower, take a walk around the block, etc and let your dh and daughter bond on their own terms. Handle her behavior yourself during the day and if it doesn't work, let it go. It will come in time. Daddy can deal with issues that come up under his watch but I think it's a bad dynamic to have him come home and be the enforcer. This also gives you the break you need. Then after the kids are in bed, if you want to vent and discuss TOGETHER how to handle these things then you can still do that so you have that space to talk to your dh - but he is not being asked to be the one to take action. Instead, you are brainstorming together.

I'd also say that your daughter is proving to you in practice the problem with techniques like "time-out" or sending a kid to their room. As they get older, they have the ability and inclination to just flat-out refuse. They have that capacity and begin to exercise it. At this point, parents are faced with a choice - they either have to escalate the harshness of the discipline and use fear-based approaches or they have to find a different, more cooperative way way to handle behavior. Or they just get overwhelmed and keep trying the methods that don't work, which is draining. Sounds like your dh is for the more punitive approach and you are overwhelmed. I'd open up a convo with your dh about exploring different parenting approaches. Some books I like: Alfie Kohn's "Unconditional Parenting" (it's pretty radical I warn you); How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk; Between Parent and Child.