How do you make peace with never having any more kids?

[Ellp]

I'm having a really rough time here.

I have 2 wonderful girls (4 and 2), and although I would dearly love to have another child, Dh has adamantly refused.

His reasons are that he feels that he's in the worst shape he's ever been in his life, he's got sinus problems that have not cleared up in the last 2 years and also possible blood sugar problems. His work schedule in part keeps him from following up with Dr's appointments and his mentality is that the Dr. should figure him out within a couple of appointments and if they don't/aren't able to, then they're useless. This is a man who hasn't seen a Dr. in the last 10 years with the exception of this summer.

He feels that adding another child to the family would set things back another 3 years and he won't get any kind of resolution till then.

He also states that he is a "loner" by nature and that a 3rd child would take up more space and time than he could give.

Well, with all of this in mind I've slowly started to work on my feelings about the whole matter, and part of dealing with this was to slowly let go of all the baby related stuff in the house, either by giving or selling stuff. I thought I was doing well, although it did hurt a lot when things did go.

Yesterday Dh emails me about a friend of ours who is newly preggy. He came home and wanted to talk about it. I had gotten the email earlier in the day and it was like someone had wacked me in the face with a 2x4. I told him when he came home that I was happy for our friend but that I had issues with the whole subject that I needed to work on, and that none of it had anything to do with our friend.

This blew up into a big conversation with lots of tears on my part. He wanted to know why I didn't tell him about how I felt about the matter. I asked him why I would want to tell him about my feelings when I knew how he felt about having another baby. I told him I didn't want to put any pressure on him because it wouldn't be good for our marriage.

There was a lot of silence in our conversation and I asked him point blank what his reasons are for not wanting any more kids and he told me the above reasons. Then the conversation steered to his needs and his frustration with the medical system. I felt my wants/feelings/needs were brushed aside to vent his feelings on his situation.

So I am at a loss. My heart is broken. How do I move on and make peace with it?

[jeteaa]

You just have to be thankful for what you have, and that is a good husband and two HEALTHY wonderful children. Its so much more than alot of other people have. If you are having a moment where you are really WANTING that 3rd child, just think about the negatives of it.... and yes, be realistic, there would be negatives. Such as financial costs, adding to an already over populated world, the time the 3rd child would take away from your other children and marriage. Or what if this 3rd child was not healthy, it could devastate your family. Again, just be thankful for the beautiful family you already have.

[journeymom]

This blew up into a big conversation with lots of tears on my part. He wanted to know why I didn't tell him about how I felt about the matter. I asked him why I would want to tell him about my feelings when I knew how he felt about having another baby. I told him I didn't want to put any pressure on him because it wouldn't be good for our marriage.

There was a lot of silence in our conversation and I asked him point blank what his reasons are for not wanting any more kids and he told me the above reasons. Then the conversation steered to his needs and his frustration with the medical system. I felt my wants/feelings/needs were brushed aside to vent his feelings on his situation.

So I am at a loss. My heart is broken. How do I move on and make peace with it?

I can't advise you how to move on and make peace with it, but I do want to comment on the scenario you presented.

Just by itself, the fact that your husband asked you why you didn't tell him about your feelings is a good thing. To me it means that he wants to know what you think. He's taking your feelings into account.

I think that in the face of your tears and intense emotions, your dh very likely was scared and got defensive with his explanation. I'm not saying you shouldn't cry, I'm just interpreting his actions.

Also, in that very moment I suspect you both had some typical female/male different needs. You needed some comfort and consoling from your husband because you're very sad about the whole situation. But he thought he was being required to supply an answer or a solution to a problem. Sometimes women just want to talk and cry about it, but men think we want them to fix it. Your husband can't supply you with a child, so he needed to explain why. He desperately doesn't want you to reject him because of his explanation.

It sounds like he's very frustrated with his health problems. That's so physically draining. Not only from feeling sick, but also the feeling of helplessness. It seems to him that his job is keeping him from getting the medical care he needs. The prospect of having another child is likely overwhelming to him.

Again, I can't answer your broader question about moving on. I just think your feelings right now are colored by the very specific circumstances of that particular argument you described.

========

I told him I didn't want to put any pressure on him because it wouldn't be good for our marriage.

I totally get this. But it became apparent that not sharing what you think was worse for your marriage than holding back that information. You are his partner and he can't make good decisions about his marriage if he doesn't have all the necessary information.

How does he typically respond when you two disagree about how something should go? Does he shut you out? Do you shut him out? Do either of you think 'it's my way or the highway'?

About your specific issue whether you will ever have more children: now that your husband knows how you feel, is it possible that he will get motivated to solve some of his health problems? Rethink what he's capable of as a father? It's very, very important to remember that he is an equal in this partnership, his feelings/wants/needs are as legitimate as yours and no one should be coerced into having a child they cannot handle. But who knows, maybe he would change his mind in time.

[jeliphish]

I am of the belief that you have just as much right to demand another child as he does to say that he doesn't want another one.

He needs to take care of his personal health issues regardless but it wouldn't be fair for him to state that those are the reasons that he doesn't want another child and then not follow up and be proactive with his health....

You have just as much right to have another child.....

If the health is the only reason that ya'll are not having another baby then assist him in making it your priority too to get his medical issues solved- then perhaps a baby can be in the near-er future

[Krisis]

Mama, I don't know how to make peace with not having more kids. My first pregnancy caused a hole to form in my heart and I can't have any more children. It's very hard. It will take a while for grief to work its way through you. My mom says she never really got over it when she was told not to have anymore children. Not comforting, I know. But you're not alone in grieving at least.

I read a quote that I really love. Jayne Taylor, a social worker at Primary Children's Medical Center describes dealing with the loss of future children as, "a very difficult task because the loss is so vague. It is hard to define a potential. There are no funerals, no rituals to help the bereaved. It is an invisible process."

Good luck with your hubby. Maybe things will turn out better for you after all

[AnalogWife]

It took an act of Congress to get just the one out of DH. First I had to sell him on the idea when he was "child-free" for so long, and then I will never forget the feelings of anger and dispair and jealousy when I'd see people crying and complaining about difficulty getting PG for #2, #3, #4, when I was working my darndest just to get ONE bfp, and unsure that I would ever get one.

I think we owe it to our kids to be happy with things how they are. You have TWO, you are so blessed. I sometimes wonder how kids feel when Mom's sad about not getting another....were they not enough?

I originally really wanted another one, but DH wants to stop at 1 so I've adjusted my life expectations and focus on my little boy. We're old and poor, he's not that healthy either, it's just the right thing to do.

[kristenok18]

As someone who's been dealing with infertility for 5+yrs, I can honestly say that finding peace with not having any more children is hard. You think you're fine, then you find out someone you know is pregnant, and it's like you described...like being hit in the face with a 2x4 or getting punched in the gut. Anytime this happens, I am sent into tailspin which affects everything (my parenting, my mood, my ability to get anything done). To truly make peace, seeing a grief counsellor might be a good idea. It is a true grieving process, mourning the loss of the family you had envisioned. It is a heavy burden, but allowing yourself the space to grieve is important. I hope you and your husband are able to come to place where he is really listening to your needs.

[ouesi]

DH and I made the choice not to have anymore. My first pregnancy was twins, one of which had a malformed placenta and umbilical chord. It was a very scary time, 5 weeks on hospital bedrest along with one month in NICU. Both kiddos are now perfectly fine, and docs have all assured me that I have every chance of having a "normal" pregnancy next time, but I just can't justify risking putting our family through what we went through again to have "just" one more.
It was a grieving process, that I'm still going through. It helps to focus on the positive, and how blessed we are to have two wonderful healthy children, and two healthy, happy parents to care for them.

[Caneel]

OP - I can relate to your post.

A bit like you described, my DH can become overwhelmed by things and it floods out when tiggered by something completely unrelated. With him, it is almost like he can't process it, or doesn't allow himself to process it until, until the dam is ready to spill over. Sometimes, I don't think he even realizes the dam is filling.

Anyway, can you allow some time to pass before approaching the subject again? Is more kids/no more kids something that has to be solved right now?

I like jeliphish's suggestion of assisting him in getting some resolution to his health problem. Get on his team, so to speak.

Not to imply you aren't on his team but I know myself, sometimes what I want/need needs to be solved RIGHT NOW when if I stopped thinking about my problems for a second and focused on what we could both be doing together, problem #1 could be resolved and we both could resolve problem #2.

I am at the same place with accepting there will be no more kids. I will likely be sad about it for the rest of my life but I focus on how fortunate I am to have one.

Short version is too many failed pregnancies, getting too old (for my comfort level) and a DH who is several years older than me.

We decided two years ago (after another MC after fertility treatments) that we wouldn't go any further. We were both really sad and talked the subject to death. (a surprise pg would have been very welcome but very unlikely)

We still do talk about the regrets, lost opportunities and so on.

[Ellp]

Thanks everyone for all your replies. Some were harder to read than others and I really appreciated the empathy.

I've been trying to deal with it for the past couple of days, and have made moves with appointments with Dh's Drs. to get his issue resolved. I'm thinking, like a PP suggested, that we deal with his immediate issues first we might be able to resolve my issue, whenever that is. I'm just hoping my helping him doesn't turn into an issue of "Brownie points" in the end.

As for a timeline, I can afford to let the issue go for a year or so, but after that, things will get a little bit more dicey with regards to health risks. I really really hope that Dh doesn't pull the "he's *too old*" line by that time. I think I would literally strangle him!

[LROM]

In the meantime though OP, are you making sure you are enjoying and appreciating the two you have as much as possible? Do they know how badly you want a 3rd and have they had any questions about it? It's a good point that a PP made re: how your kids may absorb that to feel like they're not enough if you've shared this strong desire with them.

I may well be in a similar situation as you with DH not wanting a 2nd child (I'd love to even have two), and I can tell you that as I try to accept that as a real possibility, I've found amazing gratefulness in reading the stories of infertile couples who struggle MIGHTILY to have even one single child. That has helped me stay very focused on the wonderful child I already have and to realize that if she ends up being the only child I ever have, I am still incredibly blessed and lucky to have her and I'll be fine with just her.

This isn't about denying you your feelings or saying "Get over it". But it IS about making sure you don't lose track of the wonderful fortune you already have in two healthy children in your focus on that 3rd child. Have you read stories of couples or women who've had a very hard time successfully giving birth to one child? It may help answer your original question about how to move on or how to stay calm and sane while trying to see if DH changes his mind.

[aspenleaves]

This is interesting. I can't imagine being in your shoes so I appologize in advance if my viewpoint seems calous to you. I don't agree with a PP who said you have as much right to have another baby and he has to deny it. UMMMM, not really. I think bringing another child into the world that your DH has clearly stated he does not want to care for - and it sounds to me that that medical issue is in the forefront, but to tell you the truth it sounds like he just doesn't want to do it again aside from the medical issue. And did anyone think that maybe his medical issue is a manifestation of his unhappiness? (just a thought). The reason I say all this because to me (I have one DD) the thought of another child is so overwhelming to me that I can't even really imagine it. I sometimes get all nostalgic and think how nice it would be to have another baby, but when you factor in the sacrifice and the work no way.

So, Your DH sounds like he is a serious good communicator and I would just express myself to him, maybe keep the conversation open with the understanding that no more kids is the priority.

I'm sorry you are having trouble accepting it, but I htink it would be irresponsible to even consider it.

[joyluc]

Over the last two years I have had to face this and it is so hard. My DH was willing to TTC but we both weren't willing to do infertility treatments so when it didn't happen naturally (probably because we are old) I have had to live with it. It still can catch me by surprise that I only have one child. I think that I will at the end of my life still be regreting this.

But this month, when my period hasn't come after 35 days and I have had two negative tests, I have had mixed feelings about possibly being pregnant -I worry about how old we are and starting with a babe at 46. So it does change over time.

Good luck with this. It does sound like helping your DH with his health issues would maybe help him be able to listen to you without feeling so overwhelmed. It might not change his mind but it could help him hear you.

[widemouthedfrog]

Ah, Ellaine. I have just started moving through this. For a year or more I was very, very angry with my dh. His statement was almost identical - a capacity issue, he works ~70 hours a week, he can't handle life as it stands. In our family, it's me who has the health issues, as you know. Otherwise, pretty much the same situation.

I felt that I could not force the issue because it would destroy our marriage. I also felt that my suppressed anger about the issue would destroy our marriage. And yes, every time I heard about someone who was newly pregnant, I felt like I'd been hit over the head and I wanted to cry. I didn't want to feel this way, I wanted to get over it and be happy with what I had.

At the end of the summer, I came to a realization that life was moving on in other ways that were also positive. I was able to do more writing, for example. I was enjoying the changes in our dd. I realized that it was a matter of accepting the transition that she was making from baby into child. I needed to embrace the person that she was becoming and enjoy my time with that person.

This is not to say that I don't want another child. However, I don't want one in the life we have at the moment. I've heard about several pregnancies in the last couple of months, and I haven't felt as sad and angry. I still feel a little angry with dh, but I'm working on it.

So in addition to working with your dh on the health issues and increasing his feeling of ability to care for another child, I just wanted to give you some hope that it is possible to transition through this grief. Because that's what it is, and it was one of the worst feelings of my life - knowing that another child is totally possible, but feeling like your spouse is preventing you from having that child.

[Ellp]

Tricia, I didn't know that your Dh was the one not wanting another baby, I thought it was your decision! I'm sorry you had to go through the same thing but I'm glad that you're now on "the other side" of things and that "baby news" doesn't sting anymore..s:

Originally Posted by aspenleaves

This is interesting. I can't imagine being in your shoes so I appologize in advance if my viewpoint seems calous to you. I don't agree with a PP who said you have as much right to have another baby and he has to deny it. UMMMM, not really. I think bringing another child into the world that your DH has clearly stated he does not want to care for - and it sounds to me that that medical issue is in the forefront, but to tell you the truth it sounds like he just doesn't want to do it again aside from the medical issue. And did anyone think that maybe his medical issue is a manifestation of his unhappiness? (just a thought). The reason I say all this because to me (I have one DD) the thought of another child is so overwhelming to me that I can't even really imagine it. I sometimes get all nostalgic and think how nice it would be to have another baby, but when you factor in the sacrifice and the work no way.

So, Your DH sounds like he is a serious good communicator and I would just express myself to him, maybe keep the conversation open with the understanding that no more kids is the priority.

I'm sorry you are having trouble accepting it, but I htink it would be irresponsible to even consider it.

I disagree. I don't think its irresponsible to consider it at all. I haven't taken any action so it has no repercussions on Dh. I have just as much right to consider having another child as Dh has the right to consider the answer "no".

As for being a serious good communicator, I'm on the fence about that one. Dh has been through counselling in the distant past and sometimes the phrases he uses with me I KNOW are things his councellor has said to him. However, they are used in a way more to placate me in the moment, than to honestly *hear* what I'm saying.

For instance, in my conversation with him where I had expressed my feelings about wanting another baby, and was sobbing my way through my story, Dh patted me on the back and said "I wish I could just say something to take all this pain away." I just stopped and stared at him and said "Well, ironically there is just one thing you COULD say that WOULD make this pain go away". IMO, his comment was just a dumb thing to say. Luckily, I forgave him in that instant, as he had nothing to say to that.

Originally Posted by joyluc

Good luck with this. It does sound like helping your DH with his health issues would maybe help him be able to listen to you without feeling so overwhelmed. It might not change his mind but it could help him hear you.

This is where I'm going, and hopefully he will be more of a mind to listen and reconsider at the end of it.

Thank you all, for your replies!

[Labbemama]

Our decision not to have anymore kids was medical and financial.

How I dealt with it...I became a teacher. I foster parented. I became a child therapist. I got a puppy and some therapy.

[LROM]

Amazing Labbemama, by the time I have to grapple with no more for sure I will either have already done or plan to do ALL of those! Except maybe becoming a child therapist, which I'd actually love to do but I'd have to go back to school which I can't really see doing anytime soon. But allthe rest - that's my list too!

[~savah~]

I don't have any advice because I came to this forum to post the same question. We have one DD who is almost two, and while my DH's reasons are not the same as yours, the end result is the same. It is especially hard for me atm because two of my close friends and my SIL are pg. Up until now I've been in denial, but reading this thread makes me cry, so perhaps the grieving process has begun.

[widemouthedfrog]

I forgot the other part of my transition into acceptance. It was accepting that around here, most women my age are just starting to think about having babies. I am done. I needed to accept that I was moving out of the stage that they are moving into, even though we are the same age. Now I am "person with child" rather than "person with a baby".

FWIW, a friend finally had her first after many years of trying. Although she is glad...just as I am glad that my first got through some serious health issues of mine during pregnancy...we are both sad about not having another one. Wanting the first can be very painful. Wanting another can also be painful, even though you are happy for the first.

[Mary]

It is hard, isn't it? We want another one, but my husband is infertile. He has health problems that have led to his infertility. I keep thinking that we could do something about it and that there is still hope, but at the same time it would take a lot of time and effort and I have the two most wonderful kids in the world. I accept that it isn't in the cards for us, but I have a lot of trouble accepting that I'll never be pregnant, give birth, breastfeed, etc. again. My kids are 8 and 6 and I still have my cloth diaper stash with no plans to get rid of it! I loved being a mom of little ones. I will say that as my kids get older I have had to really deal with the fact that they aren't little anymore. It's been a huge thing on my mind lately. I do try to focus on the positive- money is a big one. I think a big part of it, well a huge part of it, is learning to be happy with what you have. That's a huge hurtle, but that is it.