How do you make peace with never having any more kids? - Page 2

[greenmagick]

Originally Posted by Ellp

I disagree. I don't think its irresponsible to consider it at all. I haven't taken any action so it has no repercussions on Dh. I have just as much right to consider having another child as Dh has the right to consider the answer "no".



For instance, in my conversation with him where I had expressed my feelings about wanting another baby, and was sobbing my way through my story, Dh patted me on the back and said "I wish I could just say something to take all this pain away." I just stopped and stared at him and said "Well, ironically there is just one thing you COULD say that WOULD make this pain go away". IMO, his comment was just a dumb thing to say. Luckily, I forgave him in that instant, as he had nothing to say to that.
.

Well, I dont think its irresponsible to consider, but in this particular situation a no from either party makes it a no. It would be irresponsible to try to have one

Also, his comment was, I think, pretty appropriate. And really, there wasnt something he could say that he would actually mean so it still fits. I know you are feeling low and sad and I am very sorry. It must be a very hard situaion. However, you keep saying that he isnt hearing you, but its sounds like maybe you arent hearing him....he is saying he doesnt want anymore children. That is a totally vaild feeling.

[Ellp]

Originally Posted by greenmagick

Well, I dont think its irresponsible to consider, but in this particular situation a no from either party makes it a no. It would be irresponsible to try to have one.

And thats why I haven't tried to get us preggy, even accidently. I respect his "no" and have not acted on it. However, that doesn't negate my feelings on the matter.

Originally Posted by greenmagick

Also, his comment was, I think, pretty appropriate. And really, there wasnt something he could say that he would actually mean so it still fits. I know you are feeling low and sad and I am very sorry. It must be a very hard situaion. However, you keep saying that he isnt hearing you, but its sounds like maybe you arent hearing him....he is saying he doesnt want anymore children. That is a totally vaild feeling.

And my feelings of wanting another child is just as valid as his. What he could have said to me at that moment was maybe nothing at all, or a simple "I'm sorry". The phrase he used is one often used to placate a person without having to think of its meaning first. In this case it backfired.

The fact that I have not done anything to progress the situation with Dh *shows* that I have been listening to him. *He* on the other hand has never asked me why *I* want another child.

[Storm Bride]

Ellaine...I don't know what to say. I originally wanted to have all my kids by the time I was 30 or 31. That didn't happen, so I pushed it back to 35....then 40...then, ultimately, "if I'm pregnant with the last before I'm 40", then "if I'm pregnant in time to have the baby before I'm 41"...and, ultimately, dd2 arrived 12 days after my 41st birthday.

In all those years of secondary infertility and miscarriage and everything else, I was never able to make peace with it. The oops pregnancies and twins (two of each) in my immediate family certainly didn't help, but it was more than that. I wanted children - my own biological children - and that was all I wanted. I have less than zero interest in working with kids, or fostering or anything like that. I know some people take comfort in that, but it would have just been salt in the wound for me.

DH originally told me that ds2 would be the last...while I was in L&D, being prepped for the section. I was so angry. My reasons for caving on the c-section in the first place, strange as it seems (I wasn't thinking logically at that time), were interwoven with my plans for another pregnancy. I felt betrayed and abandoned and totally alone.

We talked a lot over the next year or so. He finally agreed, and...we had Aaron. And, the next day, he said we'd try again. Then, he changed his mind. And, we finally came to an agreement, and we have dd2, who is the light of our lives and has pulled the whole family, including dd1 and ds2, together in a way I can't even describe. But, it was a looonnng haul to get here. There are still some stresses that are directly related to having different views on things. (I will mention that I didn't talk him into it. We had a lot of discussions, and he knew how I felt, but I also worked really hard on not making it into a fight or whatever.)

Anyway...I have no answers. I never did make peace with it. It caused me a lot of pain, and a lot of anger at times, for a very very long time.

Oh - a few people commented on how the other child(ren) feel about mom wanting another baby. I can only speak for ds1. The whole time I was ttc, he knew about it. He knew about the miscarriages. He was crushed. He wanted a sibling so bad. I think he lit up even more than I did when he first laid eyes on dd1. He wishes I'd been able to have kids sooner, because a 10 (or 12...or 16) year gap makes some huge changes in the sibling dynamic. But, he adores his siblings and is thoroughly enjoying dd2. He knows how much I love him, and that I wouldn't change him for the world. He and I have talked about all of this. He thought I was slightly nuts to have dd2. He's glad I'm done, because the last couple pregnancies, the c-sections, and losing Aaron, have all taken quite a toll on me, both physically and emotionally. But, he's never felt "less than" because I wanted more kids. (He told me recently that his future wife is going to love that he had younger siblings, because he's way better with kids than most guys his age.)

For those of you who asked - I've met the OP a few times. Watching her interact with her kids, I can't even begin to imagine them feeling as though they're not good enough for their mom.

[Ellp]

Thank you Lisa for your kind words..:

I'm just wondering..do you feel like you're done now? Has having Jenna filled that gap of wanting another baby, or does that feeling ever go away?

I ask this because I was talking to a woman in her 50's the other day and she commented that that feeling doesn't ever go away. I think she implied that its built into some women to always want another baby, regardless of what their circumstance is/was. It was a very interesting conversation considering that the woman I was talking to was a Dr. and had no clue as to my situation.

[PGTlatte]

I have been struggling with this for four years now. I don't think the regret is ever going to go away. I try to focus on the real blessing that I see our two kids as being. But no matter how you slice it, I think it is a reallly hard thing to have someone else decide for you that you are done, when you do not feel it yourself. Not a fertility problem, or a life circumstance, or anything that couldn't be overcome - but another person's decision. It would suck more though to have someone else decide for me that I had to have another even if I didn't really want to. And that is not a position I would ever want to put my DH in. Ideally all children that are conceived on purpose (I am not talking about surprises - that is a different situation) are really wanted, by both parents. I would not be happy with anything less than that. So I am supposing that coping with this is maybe meant to be one of my life lessons.

[Juniperberry]

Hi, I don't really have any advice to offer you but I just wanted to give you a

It's one thing to not be able to have any more kids, but to still be able to and want more, but have someone else make the decision... that must be so hard.

Maybe give it some time? Ask him the question in a few years?

I met a mum at the playground last year and she had 4 kids. She had 2 that were about 2 years apart, then she waited 5 years and had another 2. She said that was wonderful. They all still play and have a great time together and it also gave her and her DH a 'break' in between. ... Do you think mabye your DH would consider that?

[widemouthedfrog]

Yes, it's the "coming to terms with someone else making your life decisions for you" bit that I still find hard, too. If my medical issues determined it for me, then so be it. I think that I would be all right with that. However, since it is another person - the person I married - deciding something that is so important to me, that involves a lot of challenging emotions. Although I am no longer actively angry about it, I am still sad and somewhat resentful. Hopefully this will pass in time.

Ellaine, my mom always wanted another baby. She loves babies. I don't love babies all that much, but I do love bigger kids (ie: over age 2). So yes, just because babies are babies and we're driven to have them and they're really cute...I do think that some people will always want more.

[PGTlatte]

Originally Posted by Juniperberry

Maybe give it some time? Ask him the question in a few years?

Thank you. I am 40. I don't think I have a few years. I think it's now or never, and it's not now, so it's a done deal.

I came back to add - I don't blame my DH. I think he's being honest and reasonable.

We have some acquaintances who I think do not have the inner resources to deal well with their kids. They are past "tapped". I have witnessed some disturbing parenting moments in this situation. When I think about them, I realize these parents are doing the best they can with the inner resources they have...but their wells are dry. They do not have anything left to draw from to make an effort to do better.

I think my DH is near tapped with his job and our two. He has said he is. I think I should believe him whether I like it or not ! I respect very much that he is able to see this about himself and have the honesty to tell me even when he knows I don't like to hear it.

Also I think there is wisdom in stopping while we still feel like we have more to give. I would rather do that, and have to put up with some lingering sadness, than take us into a situation where possibly we are both beyond tapped and do not have the inner resources to parent at our best and everyone having to survive that situation. When one or both parents are in beyond what they can personally handle, it's not good.

[Ellp]

Originally Posted by llp34

Also I think there is wisdom in stopping while we still feel like we have more to give. I would rather do that, and have to put up with some lingering sadness, than take us into a situation where possibly we are both beyond tapped and do not have the inner resources to parent at our best and everyone having to survive that situation. When one or both parents are in beyond what they can personally handle, it's not good.

Those are really some wise words. Thank you, they're food for my thoughts.

As for my situation, I've made moves to improve Dh's health, and hopefully by the middle of next year things will have progressed enough that I can afford to have a talk with Dh about my feelings on the matter. Its just very hard to
see families with newborns and young babies at the moment.

[PGTlatte]

Originally Posted by Ellp

Its just very hard to
see families with newborns and young babies at the moment.

I know.

[Juniperberry]

Originally Posted by llp34

Also I think there is wisdom in stopping while we still feel like we have more to give. I would rather do that, and have to put up with some lingering sadness, than take us into a situation where possibly we are both beyond tapped and do not have the inner resources to parent at our best and everyone having to survive that situation. When one or both parents are in beyond what they can personally handle, it's not good.

I think it takes a very strong person to be able to reason like this whilst keeping emotions in check. I think if ever I find myself in the same situation as you are in now, I hope that I remember about this thread and come and read what you've just written.

to you

[PGTlatte]

I thought of something else that is also helping me.

Lately DS2 is getting a lot easier. He is four. He is just now going to the potty without my help. His tendency to have tantrums is decreasing. It is finally getting easier for us to do things as a family. There is a future in sight for us in which we can go enjoy more things together, much more easily, than we were able to when we had a little little kid. I mean, we could try some things - but they were hard, a struggle, a big effort that required a lot of patience. My experience lately has been, that once things start to feel easier like this, the desire for another child is weighed against the thought of starting all over, and some activities becoming much more challenging again.

We've survived early childhood with not one, but two, very spirited, active kids. We are just now coming out of the woods of what has felt like barely controlled craziness. Truth - we are both a bit tired. We are ready to enjoy things being easier. DH came to this much much earlier than I did. On the birth of our second child, he was already looking forward to that point ! I was in the middle of life with a 2.5 yo and a newborn and the wonderfulness of it all and that future was not real to me, and I was angry that he would be so adamant about not wanting to "start over" again. And if we had had another within two years, it would only have delayed this point for two years. But we didn't. If we got pg now, it would be almost five years before we reached this point again, with things finally starting to get easier. After what we feel we have gotten through, that is a huge thing to contemplate. And taking it on again would be a huge thing for me to ask of a partner who really does not want it.

I think of the activities we have not done in the last two years because while the oldest was ready for them, the little one was not. Now he almost is. Going forward, how many things would they miss out on if we didn't do some stuff in the future because we had a little one again ? We don't have any family anywhere near us, and no arrangements for child care. So we pretty much only do things that are manageable with our kids. I do feel another little little would be limiting in that way.

So I guess you could say, I have wanted another child for four years. But I am also counting the blessings of having my youngest be four years old and the feeling that the world is opening up for us, or at least getting easier to explore. They are completely separate, opposite feelings, that coexist side by side. One does not cancel the other or make it go away. The feeling of desire is still there. But so is the happiness about some of the challenges that are behind us. Focusing on those makes it easier for me.