3yr old friendships

[WinterStar]

I'm wondering what are people's views on intervening, "helping", or not, with childhood friendships. I take the general view that I have to stand back and let my dd learn for herself, only stepping in to guide where it's clearly needed. This is quite often(!) but still, I try to let dd have her own experiences.

I'm not sure about this situation though......yesterday in a group of new people, dd stroked a girl's hair (something she often does) and the girl told her to stop it. That's never happened before and dd was inconsolable for over an hour. In another half new/half familiar group of people today, we were all sitting in a circle and dd walked around and stroked the hair of very single child and every single adult. Nobody complained, and dd was very content.

So.....she is quite a touchy feely girl, she wants to hold hands with girls she likes, stroke their hair, cuddle them.....I've explained some just won't like it and that it's okay for them not to, but I don't want to over stress this and make it a "no" for her as I love that she's so open and friendly. She does get rejected from time to time, and I can see it's devestating for her, but as I said, I feel I need to stand back.....

I was always told not to wear my heart on my sleeve and that's exactly what I ended up doing. The advice went over my head and as a young adult I was hurt often. I want my dd to find her own, maybe different way......But......do I need to "toughen her up" somehow? Should I be concerned that she's so touchy feely with other little girls, it has occured to me that she looks a bit desperate at times but I'm very concerned about projecting my own childhood memories onto her if that makes sense.

She's only touchy like this at the start, once she has actually made friends with someone then it stops, it's like this is her way of saying, "I like you, will you be my friend?". I could teach her those words I guess - but I hate to interfere! She does make some lovely friends, a lot of other children really seem to take to her - but then some children look at her as though she's "weird".

Ohh, what to do?! LOL, I know it's not a huge dilemma, but I'm very interested to hear what peoples' views are on this. My dd is 3yrs and 9 months. We just moved and I know dd is struggling and missing her old friends, but she has always behaved like this really, from about 18 months. I've never known another child behave like this socially, I guess that's why I'm asking!

[BellinghamCrunchie]

I definitely don't think you need to "toughen her up." And its okay to give her lots of comfort and sympathy when she is devastated by rejection. Its so painful at that age, and they don't have our bigger view to put it into perspective.

Once she is calm, I think its good to get back in there with her, and coach the right words. I'm more hands-on and I don't think its always a good idea to let them work it out. Each child wants something; why not show them a good way to get what they want without having to experience a great deal of frustration and rejection trying to figure it out for themselves?

I took DD to McDonald's to play in the playplace one rainy day two weeks ago. DD and another girl were having great fun running around through the tubes, laughing and chasing each other down the slides. Suddenly the other girl said, "You're not my friend anymore" and walked away. DD ran to me and cried like her heart was breaking. It was horrible to see her going through that and I was at a loss of how to help her fix it. After a few minutes the little girl came up to DD and me, led by her mother. Her mother knelt down and said to my DD, "My little girl is still learning how to be friends. She doesn't always get the rules right. I am so sorry your feelings are hurt." Then she turned to her daughter and said, "It looked like you were tired of playing that game, is that right?" Her little girl nodded. Her mother then said, "Is there another thing you would like to do with this little girl?" Then prompted her through some choices, and helped her find the words to tell my DD "I don't want to play chase any more. Do you want to go down the slide with me?" Then the both of them were back to playing happily about 30 seconds later. It really helped my DD to have resolution, to address the issue and find a way through it that met both girls' needs. Otherwise we would have left with DD still feeling badly and her confidence shaken.

[WinterStar]

That all sounds very good...I'm not convinced though. Funny, if there is conflict (aggression or whatever) then I feel it's appropriate to step in ad guide, but somehow it doesn't seem right to me in this situation. My dd DID leave feeling sad - but then today she made new friends and was on cloud nine. She was actually more confident today than she was yesterday.

I'm thinking that THIS is teaching in itself, that she will learn for herself how these things go. That if I interfere I disrupt the natural socialisation process. As someone who has struggled with confidence I'm very wary of repeating the mistakes that must have been made with me.

I can see it's half cocked though, I'll automatically guide if it's "physical", but not if it's "emotional". Hmm. Trouble is, also, I'm pretty hopeless at it. What the mum in McD's did was great, I don't have those skills! So maybe better I keep out of it, that's probably what I'm really thinking - "hey, I'm rubbish at socialising myself, who am I to guide you - you'll probably do better on your own"! LOL, not much use is it?