not sure what to tell my 6 yr old about kid at school being mean

[rubidoux]

I'm so bummed about this bc my ds is LOVING school right now and I just hate it that there's a kid there being mean to him. I think I have an overly-visceral reaction to the idea of someone being mean to him and I'm trying to act low key about it rather than highlight it and make a big deal. But I really have no idea what the best reaction would be from him while it's happening. And I'm not sure, if I did know what he should say, whether it's the right thing for me to tell him what to do. Maybe it's something he needs to come to himself.

Anyhow... this is what he told me the kid did: Several kids were playing a game on the playground. The mean kid told ds he couldn't play. Ds said he could and he was going to. Then the mean kid said well I'm not playing if you are and walked away. Then the rest of the kids that were playing said they weren't playing anymore either bc they wanted to play with the mean kid.

My ds is in the 5 to 7 year old class at a Montessori, and the mean kid is in the class above him so he's probably at least a year old, more likely two. Ds generally gets along with all the kids at school and really enjoys his social life there.

[RiverTam]

Originally Posted by rubidoux

My ds is in the 5 to 7 year old class at a Montessori, and the mean kid is in the class above him so he's probably at least a year old, more likely two. Ds generally gets along with all the kids at school and really enjoys his social life there.

We've been through this with my DS1, who is 7. He grade-skipped last year and the transition was rough.

My advice to DS1 was that some kids are mean and act like jerks, and you should tell them "Quit being a jerk." If I was talking to your son, I would tell him that if it happened again he should say "We can all play together. Don't be a jerk."

My husband is nicer than I am, and his advice to DS1 was to look at the mean kid, look him up and down, shake your head, and walk away slowly. And then find something else to do. (DS2 likes this strategy a lot.)

Our mean kid was incredibly blatant. He would say mean things to DS1 in front of me when I picked him up from school. Every time I heard it or saw it, I either said something to the kid ("That's really rude. Knock it off." or "You're being mean. It's not appropriate. Knock it off.") or said something to the teacher. Our teacher always told him to knock it off.

After several rounds of that, I emailed the kid's mom and told her what was going on and asked her to tell the kid to knock it off. She was incredibly defensive and had a long explanation of what was going on, but did tell the kid to knock it off.

The kid's behavior is improving. He's not an evil child, but he does have some behaviors that need working on. Consistent steady repeats of the message: "That's mean. Knock it off." has helped quite a bit.

It's also helped my son to see that the adults are aware of what is going on and don't approve and are going to stop it when they see it. They're all young enough that "You're in trouble" and adult disapproval actually mean something to them.

[annettemarie]

Moving to Childhood Years

[meemee]

here are a few things i try to tell my dd as she figures out the social norm on the playground.

first i have brought her up to believe that everyone has a mouth. they have the freedom to talk. say what they want. but do you have to believe it? so they call you names? that is their opinion. does that mean that is who you are?!!! she closely watches how i live my life. one of her classmates called me a 'bad name'. and dd was shocked i didnt react. i told her, if he was honest, then its ok. that's how he perceieves me. i dont think i am who he thinks i am. so no i am not going to react to someone expressing their opinion.

her biggest learning experience actually came from the book and movie Bridge to Terabithia. when she saw why the girl was a bully.

i have always brought her upto believe that there is a good person under everyone. they just dont know sometimes how to acess it. so if she is not 'hooked' she can either befriend them or move far away to avoid them. she became friends with one of the bullies and the bully even apologised to dd. if anyone is mean to dd, dd always and goes and tells them what she found they did unkind and how it affected her.

you'd be surprised how bullies are surprised by this. how they totally dont expect that reaction.

it really really goes a long way to help dd 'see' the world differently. to not to see the other child as mean. but as a child who cant express any other way. she does have some kids she doesnt get along with so she interacts the minimum she has to.

her school is also v. strict with bullying. the school gets an author every year to talk about this case.

now there are 3 kinds of kids. kids like her bf in whose world bullies dont exist. he just does not get affected by them. it all falls off his back like water off a ducks back. then there is someone like my dd who dont take them at face value and always find something positive to relate to them. or 3rs super sensitive kids. now my dd is a super sensitive kind but because i have introduced the concept in our conversations many years ago she can try other strategies.

i do not get involved in this at all. unless the child was beating my dd like one was her friend about which she found out later (this went high up and made sure the 'mean child' did not show that behaviour again), i would stay at the back.