I circumcised my son and I really regret it-how to deal?

[Kindofcrunchymummy]

I didn't do my research before my son was born. I honestly didn't even know that there was research to be done. The day I found out I was having a boy I started worrying about his circumcision...I wondered how I would handle him being "mutilated" That was the word I used to describe it.
When he was 2 weeks old we took him to the doctor to get snipped. I cried the whole way there and sat in the car while my husband was with our son. I felt horrible about it and it did go against my instictcs...but I really didn't know the facts. When I tried to talk to other moms about it, they all told me about infections, that it was no big deal, etc. And I really, truly was thinking about his future sex life. I had no idea that so many boys AREN'T being circumcised, I didn't want him to be different. Yes, I gave into peer pressure.
After it was over, he whimpered like a puppy for a week, it was awful. He developed a bit of an infection, so he was put on antibiotics.
It's my biggest regret.
I don't need anybody to tell me what a horrible mommy I am, I know. Trust me.
But how do I deal with my mistake? Will my son even care? He certainly won't remember. But how could I have let myself be pressured into mutilating him? I'm doing my very best to make it up to him with extended BF, no vaccines, co-sleeping, etc. But I can't get past this.

[sncmom]

We all make the best decisions we can with the information we have on hand at that time, and sometimes we regret those decisions. It sounds like you are a wonderful mother, and I'm sure your son feels the immense amount of love with which you surround him. And truly that is what's most important. However, it may be helpful to speak with a therapist, even just a few times, just to help you let go of your guilt and move past it. Holding on to that guilt doesn't help either you or your son.
All the best, Rachel

[mamalisa]

You just have to forgive yourself. I had no idea that it didn't have to be done and once I found out I was wrecked with guilt. No one told me and I didn't even know to ask. Later my dad mentioned that he wasn't circd and I was like "Why didn't you tell me!!!". I feel less horrible about it now, because i can't feel bad about something I had no clue about and no one (dr, nurses or family) said a word. I couldn't have known so I've let it go.

[Fellow Traveler]

I am sorry to hear what you've been through. I think the best way to deal with it is not to dwell on the past but look forward. If you have a second son, don't circumcise him. Share your regret if you discuss it with others. Help spread the message that this is unnecessary. It sounds like the primary problem was that you didn't know, that is the wider problem in this country. Work to correct that problem.

You might be surprised to hear that there are a lot of parents who post here who've been in your situation they are some of our most dedicated advocates. I am sure they'll be along to share their efforts to turn this to a good end. Remember it's not what you did when you didn't know but what you do now that you know that counts. So stick around

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

The thread "If you cired your ds and regret it post here" is in the resources sticky there are at least 100 posts there by mom's just like you. Maybe you can find a post there that will help you move past this.

Some mom's find it very helpful to tell their ds how sorry they are even though he is an infant and dosnt understand it helps. Also making plans to talk to your ds when he is old enough to understand so that he wont repeat the mistake and have his ds's circed can be helpful as well.

When you know better you do better is the phrase we use around here a lot and it is the truth.

[LaffNowCryLater]

I circd my first son too. I use my experience and any issues my ds had due to his circ as a way to advocate to prevent other little boys going through the same thing. I also had another son who stayed intact and we have not had a single issue with him and I am due with a 3rd boy who also will be intact.

[Fyrestorm]

When we know better we do better.

The best advice I can give you is to be sure to discuss this and your regret as your son gets older. Don't let him grow up to be the father that insists his son be cut because he is.

You may have made the mistake, but you are also in the position to make sure it stops with your son.

You are also in the perfect position to be the best kind of advocate. Educate, Educate, Educate! You've been there and maybe your healing can come from saving other mothers and sons from making the same mistake and feeling the same pain.

[Kindofcrunchymummy]

Thanks everybody. I read thru some of the thread about moms who regret circumcising and it made me feel both better and worse. It's good to know that I'm not alone in my experience, but now I know that what I did wasn't just a painful one time experience for him, but I have altered his health, sex, etc. I'm just sick about it. My DH literally had to take the computer away from me last night as I was reading these stories and crying my eyes out. After I read him some of the stuff he regrets it now too. How is this even legal? We would never do this to girls...
To think I paid over $400 to do this to him...I think (like the funeral business) this is a way to make a quick buck off of overwhelmed, unsuspecting, distracted people. It's f**king criminal. But it's still my fault.
Long shot here, but is there a way to grow it back?

[Claire and Boys]

When your son is older I would suggest giving him some information on foreskin restoration. Then it can be his decision if he wishes to pursue that avenue. It isn't the same as being left intact but from what I hear it still improves sex a great deal.

[Dev]

Sorry for your son. Don't be too hard on yourself. What's done is done and you now know better, good for you and any future sons. As others have said, take your inward anger and make it useful by convincing others not to "cut" their sons. Remember this, circumcision is a deeply rooted cultural and social phenomenon in our society with much pressure from many sources to keep it going. The majority of your anger should be at the doctor who circumcisied your son. Doctors shouldn't perform non-therapeutic circumcisions on little boys or girls. If I was a doctor who you (or your husband) came to for a baby circ., I would have educated you on the immediate risks and long-term adverse consequences of the amputative procedure and then declined your request to circumcise your son's normal, healthy, intact prepuce based on medical, ethical, and human rights principles (not to mention common sense). So, tomorrow, write a letter to the doctor who circumcised your son and follow it up with a telephone call telling him or her how you feel and how you now regret the amputative surgery. Also ask for copies of your son's medical records in case your son's circumcision has complications in years to come outside the "standard care" benchmark (i.e. too much skin removed, excessive scarring etc.). Most importantly, get a copy of the consent form you signed to see if it lists all the potential complications inherent to routine circumcision of infant boys.
Best regards to you and your son.

[GoodMomma]

I totally understand! I never gave circ'ing a thought while pregnant (despite having an intact adopted brother). My husband and I never discussed it while pregnant. I just said yes to have it done while we were in the hospital. Never talked to the Dr., was never told the risks, etc etc. When he was about 3 months old I stumbled on a circ debate board and was weirded out when finding out that people don't circ. I left the group and never gave it another thought. Finally when he was about 9 months old I looked into it and was slapped with the truth. Of course have regretted ever since and have become extremely against it. I sometimes say my son was my guinea pig because of my ignorance. Not only was a previous pro-circ mom, I was also pro-formula....ekkkkk, can't believe I'm saying that, lol! Like you've said....you make up for it by making better decisions as you go along. I'll never get over mutilating my son but I think I'll feel better when I have another son and leave him intact. Anyway....read the I regret circ'ing my son thread on here...it'll help to know others here are in the same boat as you. Welcome to the group!

[columbusmomma]

Lots of

[Yulia_R]

Originally Posted by Kindofcrunchymummy

Thanks everybody. I read thru some of the thread about moms who regret circumcising and it made me feel both better and worse. It's good to know that I'm not alone in my experience, but now I know that what I did wasn't just a painful one time experience for him, but I have altered his health, sex, etc. I'm just sick about it. My DH literally had to take the computer away from me last night as I was reading these stories and crying my eyes out. After I read him some of the stuff he regrets it now too. How is this even legal? We would never do this to girls...
To think I paid over $400 to do this to him...I think (like the funeral business) this is a way to make a quick buck off of overwhelmed, unsuspecting, distracted people. It's f**king criminal. But it's still my fault.
Long shot here, but is there a way to grow it back?

It's not your fault, mama. When we know better we do better.

[PuppyFluffer]

I am sorry for your son and sorry for your anguish.

While you did consent to it, I have to ask you, was it solicited from you? Were you asked "Are you having him circumcised?" If they solicited it, they are culpable. When the medical community stops asking for circumcision, the majority of parents won't be asking for it.

While you made the decision out of pure lack of knowledge, the medical community did not! I place the blame squarely on the shoulders of the system that perpetuates it.

Again, I am sorry for your son and you.

I think you will get go of the self anger and anguish over time but I hope you cling to your anger at the medical community and that it serves to fuel activism.

[Kat512]

Originally Posted by Dev

Sorry for your son. Don't be too hard on yourself. What's done is done and you now know better, good for you and any future sons. As others have said, take your inward anger and make it useful by convincing others not to "cut" their sons. Remember this, circumcision is a deeply rooted cultural and social phenomenon in our society with much pressure from many sources to keep it going. The majority of your anger should be at the doctor who circumcisied your son. Doctors shouldn't perform non-therapeutic circumcisions on little boys or girls. If I was a doctor who you (or your husband) came to for a baby circ., I would have educated you on the immediate risks and long-term adverse consequences of the amputative procedure and then declined your request to circumcise your son's normal, healthy, intact prepuce based on medical, ethical, and human rights principles (not to mention common sense). So, tomorrow, write a letter to the doctor who circumcised your son and follow it up with a telephone call telling him or her how you feel and how you now regret the amputative surgery. Also ask for copies of your son's medical records in case your son's circumcision has complications in years to come outside the "standard care" benchmark (i.e. too much skin removed, excessive scarring etc.). Most importantly, get a copy of the consent form you signed to see if it lists all the potential complications inherent to routine circumcision of infant boys.
Best regards to you and your son.

[GoBecGo]

Imagine you had gone to the doctor and asked for your non-diabetic son to be put on insulin - an unnecessary, dangerous request. They would have assumed you were ill-informed and refused you. And yet with circumcision they don't, they take the money and the skin and think nothing of it.

You did what you believed you should do at the time, with all the knowledge you had at the time. Can the same be said of the doctor who circ'd your son? With all s/he knows, and SHOULD know, as a medical professional, can s/he honestly say he acted according to his/her oath "first do no harm"?

Write to the doctor and complain, tell them your feelings and hurt. Do what you can do to prevent this happening to other boys and forgive yourself for the choice you made with your son. Parenting is like sitting a daily exam when there is no course curriculum, no opportunity to study and no way of knowing how you're doing because you begin to get your results years or even decades after sitting the tests. It's HARD, and you are doing your best, and your best is getting better every day.

[PuppyFluffer]

Originally Posted by GoBecGo

Parenting is like sitting a daily exam when there is no course curriculum, no opportunity to study and no way of knowing how you're doing because you begin to get your results years or even decades after sitting the tests. It's HARD, and you are doing your best, and your best is getting better every day.

This is so true and so well written!

[Night_Nurse]

Hugs to you, mama. Beating yourself up over this won't do you or your son any good. You made what you thought was the best decision at the time and I highly doubt your son will fault you for that. As others have stated, when he's older, share with him how you feel and how you now know circumcision isn't necessary (so hopefully he won't circ his sons) but never in a negative way that might make him feel bad about his body (I know you wouldn't say it that way anyway).

Have you read this thread?
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...t+circumcising

There are many parents who are in the same boat and feel the same way.
I really hope you'll share your story with friends and family, and maybe even on online parenting boards if you feel comfortable. It won't change what happened with your son, but you might help educate some people who think not circing leads to infections and lots of hands-on care. People who experience trouble (infections, need for meds, etc) after a circ. don't usually talk about it, so other people never hear the down side of circ. And I think sending the doctor who circed your son a letter is a wonderful idea! Even if you never mail it, writing it all out will probably be therapeutic for you.

Nobody here thinks you're a horrible mom and I'm sure your son will never think that either. So please don't feel that way toward yourself. We all make some kind of decision we eventually regret. Parents are only human. Like others have said "when you know better, you do better".

[mistymama]

Well just know that you are far from alone.

My son is circ'd - I honestly didn't know there was any other way and his Dad (x-dh) was very strongly pro-circ. It felt so wrong, against every instinct in my body - but I honestly didn't know there was another way. This was nearly 7 years ago.

When ds was a young baby, I found message boards - found out the things I was doing naturally (bf, co-sleeping, not CIO) had a name and that circ was not necessary. I was heartbroken - just upset that I didn't protect ds and do what was best for him.

But you know what? I've had to let it go. It's done. I know better and I will do better - dh and I have already talked and agreed - if we ever have a son he will not be circ'd. And as far as ds goes? He's a happy, healthy boy with a pretty darn good Mama.

I know the guilt you are feeling, the regret. But it will not do either of you any good - in time, work on trying to let it go. Concentrate on all the good, healthy things you are doing for him now, and will do for him in the future. Trust me, he will be just fine. And so will you.

And now you know better, and can protect any of your future boys. But please, don't think you are alone. There are many of us that have been in your shoes.