Teen stuff - Oy Vey!

[mamarhu]

I have raised 2 other teens, but goodness, this is the first time I have encountered all this!

The police brought YoungSon home last night - he had been caught shoplifting a beer. Says it was for a friend; the friend paid him $5 to do it.

My boy has autism, and misses social nuances (clearly!!). It isn't that he doesn't know that shoplifting is wrong. It's more that in the moment, impressing his friends is more urgent than pleasing Mom. I do not know for sure if he has reached the developmental stage of internalizing morality. So he is 13, and starting to get in trouble. On one level, I am glad he is starting early - maybe we can get this over with before he is old enough to get in serious trouble, stealing cars, drugs, jail and all that.

It is clear I need to intervene - but how? I am not the "consequencing" type, and the natural consequences seem appropriate - not allowed in the store for a year. I don't think the answer is to rein him in entirely, but I am questioning how much freedom he has. But I don't know how to do this. My others never abused their freedom, so this is new territory for me. It is the crossover between teenage stuff, autism, maybe something about his self-esteem, school stuff, I don't know what all.

Any insight or suggestions would be welcome.

[VisionaryMom]

I don't how the autism factors in, and I don't have teens yet, but...

I would say that in general some people can handle responsibility earlier. I was always super-responsible and could handle lots of things pretty early. My parents actually had to dial things back with my brother for a year or so when he was in about 9th grade because he would get overwhelmed with peer pressure/adrenaline/whatever and do something he shouldn't have. He really just needed more supervision for longer. I see 13YOs in my life who run the gamut in terms of emotional maturity, so he may need to be reigned in significantly on a temporary basis if he cannot make good decisions.

What did he say about stealing the beer, though? I would probably guage what he said about it before I decided how to handle it.

[AidansMommy1012]

You may find that the autism doesn't have much to do with it at all; 12 years ago, I was 13, and you're going to find that quite a few teenagers live very much in the moment and care more about impressing their friends than pleasing their parents. Or, to be more accurate, they're so in the moment that what their parents would want just never occurs to them. I'm not saying it's true of all teens; as the previous poster mentioned, they can really run the gamut when it comes to maturity. But it's not unsurprising either. I'd go with your gut--you know your kid. Maybe have him call home every now and then when he's out just to touch base, stuff like that (if you don't already). I assume you've impressed upon him that it's kind of a big, not so great deal that he got escorted home by the cops?

[EnviroBecca]

I work for a research study on male juvenile delinquency. I wish I could give you a GUARANTEED solution for this situation, but of course I can't...but I can tell you some things that I hope will be useful:

Shoplifting is very common among boys 11-14 years old. It peaks at age 12. Almost nobody continues to shoplift in the long run, and most shoplifters do not go on to more serious crimes. So, while it's certainly not a good thing for him to have done, it is NOT a big red flag meaning he's a sociopath or anything like that.

There's essentially no evidence that really harsh, strict, punitive parenting accomplishes anything good. In fact, some of those techniques (such as spanking) produce kids who are MORE likely to become persistent and/or violent criminals. So, don't worry that you ought to be cracking down really hard on him.

However, supervision is important, and so is communication about his daily life. You didn't say how much "freedom" he has...but rather than make the rules stricter specifically, I'd go with an approach of including yourself in his activities more ("You're walking down to the store? Oh, I could use some exercise and a loaf of bread--I'll come with you!") and making sure you are listening when he's willing to talk about his friends and what goes on with them. Try not to ask too many questions but instead say things like, "Sounds like he feels proud of having done that." which open up opportunities for your teen to tell you his opinion. I know I appreciated things like that when I was a teenager, and also when my parents would borrow books I'd read or watch TV with me and then we could talk about it--or even if we didn't, they were aware of some of what I was thinking about.

In our research study, one of the strongest predictors of boys' criminal activity is their primary caretaker (usually mom)'s level of stress! Here is a handy questionnaire to check your stress level. If it's high--and not just because of this recent event with your son!--then see what you can do to make things a little easier on yourself. Being autistic, your son may not be perceiving your emotions directly, but you can respond better to him if your needs are filled.

[mamarhu]

Well, Envirobecca, you hit the proverbial nail right on the thumb!

1. I live a very high energy life, always a dozen major irons in the fire, and scads of smaller projects. This is by choice, and usually I am thriving and doing this intentionally. But I had a recent bad experience with medicine-induced major depression, I mean big-time serious, and the stress was overwhelming. I had a major meltdown, probably would have gone totally over the edge if I hadn't run out of the medicine (long story), and I just am coming out the other side.

2. I know it is counter to the stereotypical autistic symptoms, but YoungSon is exquisitely tuned in to me and my emotions (no one else). So, yep, he picks up on the tiniest nuance of my mood. And the last 3 or 4 months have been really rough, in many ways. So that his stuff is manifesting right now fits right in with your research findings. Wow - that's pretty cool!

Thanks to all for the comments. I need a bit of encouragement now and then - I trust my gut, and am generally pretty self-confident in the realm of parenting, even my most radical ideas. But now and then I need confirmation that what I believe is not harming my son. Especially in the special needs world, there are so many who criticize me for choosing to avoid therapists and mainstream "cures" for autism. We are really getting along so well, better than anyone would have predicted a few years ago, but a little encouragement is always welcome. Where would we be without MDC?