first graders...she said, she said...

[SOUNDofMUSIC]

My daughter started first grade this fall. Two other girls from the private kindergarten we went to last year are in our school. The two girls are in the same class and my daughter is in a different class.

After the first week of school my daughter tells me Friend 1 asked her to play with her during recess, but she said that she was going to play with her classmates. Friend 1 got mad at her and turned around and walked away. Daughter says this happened several times during that first week.

We talked about how Friend 1 might feel so I suggested maybe to invite her to play with daughter and her friends. We came to this conclusion cause my daughter said she really wanted to play with her new friends. Well, that second week, when Friend 1 approached my daughter during recess, she invited her to play together with them. Friend 1 didn't seem to like this idea and got mad and walked away. My daughter said this happened repeatedly.

The following weeks, daughter would share that sometimes Friend 1 did join them at recess but mostly she refused, got mad and left. My daughter says sometime Friend 1 would just follow her around. Daughter seem a bit distraught and didn't know what else to do. She would say things like "I'm scared of her anger" and "I don't want her to be angry with me" and "She seeks me out..." Then we decided that maybe when Friend 1 asks her to play, she can just say "no thank you" and leave it at that.

Now, Friend 2 [from the same kindergarten class last year] doesn't mind daughter's new friends and plays with them at times as well as plays with her own friends. Friend 2 has playdates with us as well. And one week, daughter and Friend 2 said that Friend 1 was "a liar." I asked them what they meant by that. They shared that Friend 1 went to my daughter to tell her that Friend 2 didn't want to come over to our home for the playdate. Daughter talked it over with Friend 2 and found out she didn't say that at all. Later that night daughter said that Friend 1 had also told Friend 2 that my daughter didn't want her over to our home.

So that has been going on for about 6 weeks now. I just encourage my daughter to play with the friends she wants to play with during recess. If she needs to tell Friend 1 that she doesn't want to play it's okay but she must still be polite about it.

Just this past week, my daughter shared that Friend 1 told her that she told her mom that my daughter is excluding her. Friend 1 is saying that she'll tell the recess monitors about daughter's behavior too. So my daughter was a bit nervous/scared about that.

So just yesterday [Friend 1's mom asked for a playdate for our sons so....] I got to talked to the mom. The story from their side is that my daughter tell Friend 1 that she doesn't want to be friends anymore. That sometimes she follows Friend 1 around the playground telling her she doesn't want to be her friend. [I asked my daughter if she has done this and she says no.]

Then after school when I picked up my daughter, she tells me that Friend 1 and her teacher's aid asked my daughter over to the "Purple Room." That's the room students can go to work out problems and get some counseling from the teachers there if they need it. That seem fine to me but I wish they had an impartial teacher cause from the meeting with Friend 1's mom, I found out that Friend 1 hangs out with this particular teacher's aid during recesses and considers her a friend.

My daughter's recall of the whole thing wasn't too clear. They talked about solutions to how they can play together. Friend 1 is saying that the games my daughter and her friends play are mostly running and she doesn't like to do that. [But you know what...I saw her running laps around the playground one time when I came for recess.] Anyways, daughter decided that they could find something to do together and during 3rd recess after this "room session" she invited Friend 1 to play. But no, Friend 1 was mad and didn't want to.

I'm know sure what to do. When I ask my daughter if she wants to play with Friend 1, she says no because she is always mad at her. We talked about friendships and how to be a good friend and after that, she's understanding that there are "friendlier" friends out there.

I am fine with my daughter not being her friend. Friend 1's mom said that they are both butting heads right now and not getting along. I think maybe they are growing apart and that's okay.

Sorry for the length of this post, and thank you for reading. Any helpful suggestions to this "she said, she said" situation would be appreciated.
Thank you.

[denimtiger]

This "she said, she said" stuff is going to go on from now until college. I've taught elemetary school for the last 10 years, 4 years now in second grade.

I'm not reading anything in your post that sounds like a serious issue. There aren't any red flags (that I see) of anything truly harmful going on. This is just six- and seven-year old girls learning to navigate the comlex social world of school. Nobody has gotten into trouble for anything, right? They've gone to the "purple room," to talk, but that sounds like just a way to talk with an adult mediating?

Honestly, I would try to stay out of it as much as humanly possible, just keeping an ear out for any actual red flags as your daughter converses with you in a normal manner. I would stop questioning her about it, though.

If you *do* hear a real red flag, please do let the teacher know. Many times all of these things happen at the backs of lines and on the playground, and teachers have no idea.

Otherwise, tons of attention and questioning from you are going to escalate this situation beyond what it is. You are never going to hear the whole real story -- kids perceive the same things SO differently, from each other and from adults. Kids also use adults as power plays in their relationships.

First grade is where it starts... the best you can really do is keep a watchful eye and ear, and let her learn to navigate it -- it's practice for the new situation in second grade (or spring of first grade!)

[SOUNDofMUSIC]

Thanks Denim Tiger!
What would be some "red flags?"
She's my oldest and this is the first time this is happening for her. Her being afraid of her friend's anger and trying to do things to prevent her friend from getting angry sounded like emotional bullying to me but maybe not?

Yes, your understanding of the "purple room" is what I understand it to be.

Again, thank you!

[denimtiger]

Your daughter being afraid of her being angry might be emotional bullying, or might not. First graders pretty much don't like anybody to be mad at them. (Heck, most adults will do a lot to avoid somebody being mad at them).

It's also not great that the other little girl is using threats to get her way (I'm going to tell my mom, or the recess teacher), but is also something your daughter is just going to have to navigate. If the things the little girl are telling about are not true, your daughter needs practice standing her ground and telling her side of the story... and they could also be, at least to some degree, true, and your daughter can learn about navigating that.

Real red flags are kids ganging up on other kids, making threats about hurting people, sneaky notes, sexual innuendo, when a friend is successfully prohibiting your child from playing with somebody they want to play with, hurtful name-calling, trying to set someone up to get caught doing something and get in trouble for it, etc.


The important thing is for you to be there as her mom, to listen and love on her and care about her, and support her even when she makes "mistakes" navigating the peer relationship thing. It's usually a bad idea when moms get involved in the peer stuff as a party, though. Getting wrapped up in the details and bringing an adult perspective into the small stuff often backfires. We are just not emotionally and socially in the same place that they are, and to an extent, we DON'T understand. Instead, they end up in emotional battles with us, justifying their peer interactions to us, trying to "win" a situation that is not really a game.

Be a safe, supportive place for your daughter to come home to, even when she is "in the wrong." Be wrapped up in your relationship with her, not her relationships with her peers.

[LynnS6]

There's a good book called "Best Friends, Worst Enemies: Understanding the emotional life of your school-aged child". It describes just these kinds of scenarios. One of things that children this age have to learn to navigate is moving from playing one-on-one with other kids to playing in groups. It's much more difficult to play with a group of children than to play with a single child. They will often interpret a child playing with someone else as not wanting to be friends. It takes a while to learn that you can be friends A and B, and that you don't have to choose A or B.

When my ds was in 1st grade he had 2 girls who wanted to play with him, but neither wanted to play in a group of 3 or with each other. There was a lot of drama back and forth (according to the moms, I'm friends with both of them). Eventually they came to an agreement that one girl would "get" ds MW and the other T/Th. I don't remember what happened on Friday. (And notice how ds had no say in the matter!)

Eventually, one of the girls found other friends and drifted away. The girl who remained with ds had real difficulty negotiating playing with groups of kids until she turned 8. Ds is still friendly with both girls. Luckily we see them in different contexts (one in the neighborhood and one at church).

[SimonMom]

I have a ds in first grade. This is what I think. Your daughter does not have to be friends with the little girl if she does not want to. She shouldn't be mean to her, but she shouldn't have to play with her. I feel like with this meeting with the monitor that she's being pushed to play with someone she'd rather not.

I think parents now tend to get to involved. You know what, my first grader is friends with some kids. There are some kids he doesn't want to be friends with, and there a couple that I know don't really want to play with him that my ds does want to play with. I'm fine with all of that. I don't like the idea of forced friendships. And I don't really want my ds playing with someone who's only playing with him because they've been forced to.

[AbbieB]

I am confused as to why your DD is being asked to work this out and play with a child she does not want to play with.

It does not sound like she has been aggressive or mean about not wanting to play.

The other child seems to be the one with a problem. She's getting angry and needs someone to help her sort out her emotions. She also seems to be getting a little aggressive and threatening in her behavior.

I am bothered, as I'm sure you are OP, that she is feeling scared. Is she feeling threatened or just feeling bad about making an old Friend so mad?

I would keep an eye and an ear out. Maybe you need to talk with the teacher about your DD feeling scared.

[SOUNDofMUSIC]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

There's a good book called "Best Friends, Worst Enemies: Understanding the emotional life of your school-aged child".

LynnS6,
Thank you...I put this book on hold at local library. Thanks for your insight and sharing too.

[SOUNDofMUSIC]

Originally Posted by SimonMom

I have a ds in first grade. This is what I think. Your daughter does not have to be friends with the little girl if she does not want to. She shouldn't be mean to her, but she shouldn't have to play with her. I feel like with this meeting with the monitor that she's being pushed to play with someone she'd rather not.

I think parents now tend to get to involved. You know what, my first grader is friends with some kids. There are some kids he doesn't want to be friends with, and there a couple that I know don't really want to play with him that my ds does want to play with. I'm fine with all of that. I don't like the idea of forced friendships. And I don't really want my ds playing with someone who's only playing with him because they've been forced to.

Yes, I agree that she shouldn't have to be her friend if she doesn't want to. I'll have to chat with the mediating teacher to see what exactly happened. I understand that I need to let her navigate this social situation...but I'd like to help her learn how to read the map so she can navigate for herself. That might be a bad analogy but I don't know if I can just let her do this all on her own. I'll ask her "what do you think you could do?" and she'll think and sometimes come up with nothing. I'm a mama needing some serious wisdom.

[SOUNDofMUSIC]

Originally Posted by AbbieB

I am confused as to why your DD is being asked to work this out and play with a child she does not want to play with.

It does not sound like she has been aggressive or mean about not wanting to play.

The other child seems to be the one with a problem. She's getting angry and needs someone to help her sort out her emotions. She also seems to be getting a little aggressive and threatening in her behavior.

I am bothered, as I'm sure you are OP, that she is feeling scared. Is she feeling threatened or just feeling bad about making an old Friend so mad?

I would keep an eye and an ear out. Maybe you need to talk with the teacher about your DD feeling scared.

This is why I am wanting to talk to the teacher's aid that mediated the girls' conversation. Friend 1 has told her mom that my daughter said she didn't want to be her friend but maybe the friend didn't tell the teacher. But if she did tell the teacher, why are they still trying to make them play together? I don't know.



I really appreciate everyone's inputs. I'm beginning to breathe a bit easier.

[SOUNDofMUSIC]

Originally Posted by denimtiger

The important thing is for you to be there as her mom, to listen and love on her and care about her, and support her even when she makes "mistakes" navigating the peer relationship thing. It's usually a bad idea when moms get involved in the peer stuff as a party, though. Getting wrapped up in the details and bringing an adult perspective into the small stuff often backfires. We are just not emotionally and socially in the same place that they are, and to an extent, we DON'T understand. Instead, they end up in emotional battles with us, justifying their peer interactions to us, trying to "win" a situation that is not really a game.

Be a safe, supportive place for your daughter to come home to, even when she is "in the wrong." Be wrapped up in your relationship with her, not her relationships with her peers.

I'll be honest...this is good input and though I do not want to get totally "wrapped up in the details" I don't know how well I'll do. But I will be mindful of this. Thank you DeminTiger.

[Kirsten]

Is friend one an only or firstborn child? Do her parents spoil her or think she can do no wrong? 'Cause that is what it sounds like. It sounds like friend one has had things her way all her life, and doesn't like that she can't get your dd all to herself when she wants. She doesn't want to be in a group 'cause it is harder to convince six kids to do what you want than just to convince one.

This all sounds pretty normal to me. Most of us with kids that age or older have been there, done that. I agree that your child should offer to have her join them IF friend one will be nice about it. If she won't, I still think your child can politely decline. If your child wants to play with friend one, but friend one only likes to play one-on-one, they could play together now and then but your dd still has time to play with her group of classmates too.

It sucks when you have a kid who will lie or bend the truth to an adult who isn't in on all the details. My kids has been on the wrong end of that too. It is an early lesson on doing what you think is right, even if the other person will lie and try to bring in the "big guns" (recess teacher in this case). It is fine for her to be honest to this person - "I told her she could play with all of us on the monkey bars; she didn't want to. If she changes her mind, we'll be over there." If your child needs backup, mention to recess teacher in passing when you see her - we've discussed the who plays with who situation and I've told dd that she can play with whomever she chooses to at recess but she must be kind to everyone.

[SpiderMum]

I don't know much about the elementary social scene, but I don't think your DD needs to be friends with this girl. I think the monitors and teachers getting involved is a bit over the top. Friend 1 isn't nice, she seems really controlling, and she's stirring up quite a bit of drama for your child....while I wouldn't tell her to be mean, I would let your daughter know that she can be pretty straight forward with this kid. "No thanks" sounds good to me. Your DD should feel like she can be friends with whoever she wants and not have to deal with the one's she doesn't get along with.