6 year old aggression. Did I overreact?

[mamafuko]

Hi all, I don't usually post here, but I'm having pangs of regret and self-doubt. My 6 yo ds is not off the chart aggressive. But he has had some tendencies to get physical ever since he was a toddler (in fact, since I got divorced). Just yesterday, I found out that he threw a basketball hard at a girl's head. Apparently, he also tried to pour soda or something on her head too at a different time. Her parents saw me after school and told me about it, visibly upset. My ds and I both apologized. I reacted by telling my son that we would not be going through with our plans this weekend. I had two plans for this weekend. One, a concert this afternoon of a musical act he really loves. I would never take that away. The second was supposed to be yesterday - a trip to the museum which had an exhibit we were both looking forward to, and something that ended this weekend. I took that away from him, and now we won't have a chance to see it. I wanted my "consequence" to have an impact, but I also did not want to take away something he truly loved, loved, which I would have done if I took away the concert.

But should I even be taking things away like this? My parents were really harsh, so I'm worried that I'm becoming like them. At the same time, I also don't want this worry to prevent me from providing consistent, fair forms of discipline.

When I do things like take away things he likes, it's always calculated. I don't ever use that form when I know something is really at stake. For instance, I knew that my ds would not truly suffer from not going to the museum. He was sooo happy just to spend the day at home with me yesterday. But I'm afraid of what this might lead to. I guess I'm also not really clear on what my alternatives are.

My ds is primarily impulsive. This girl apparently taunts him, and apparently he can't simply ignore her, which is what he'd prefer. This girl and her friend do not like him and is constantly telling him that they're going to tell on him about whatever. But my ds has trouble telling a straight-forward narrative, so I'm not 100% clear what the dynamics are. However, my ds has also pushed a boy down before without cause. This can also be explained by the fact that he has spd and emotional triggers - I'm divorced and he's had situations. Nonetheless, I want to teach him that he must check aggression even while he may have reasons for his behavior. I put myself in the place of the boy he pushed (who is a kid who seems to be picked on by others) and the girl. It makes me so sad that my ds is the cause of these children being hurt both physically and internally.

I would very much appreciate your responses. Thank you.

[Cavy]

Where are these things happening -- at school? How are you supposed to fix dynamics that happen at school? It's the staff there who should primarily be dealing with it.

Ditto if the events happen anywhere except at your house, really, or somewhere you are present.

Given the age (6yo) and those "crimes" I would not expect my DS to do anything more but apologise to the children in question and listen to me telling him off. And put up with me trying to talk to him how to handle his anger better (school may be able to help with that, too, especially if all this is happening on their watch). Your last paragr. mentioned pushing a boy over, that's the one thing I would crack down on. I was bullied in school and it's not on to be mean to people for no reason.

Okay, maybe I am soft, but how are you supposed to fix the dynamics when you aren't there? Almost always it takes 2 to get into it; there is a lad who frequently provokes (nasty little comments) my DS1. Then DS1 explodes... and the other boy relishes running off to tell the staff how DS1 hit him or whatever. DS1 is no angel, but NEITHER is the other child.

DH used to play the same game with his big brother, incidentally: tease until he got hit, then tell on the brother, then enjoy watching the brother get punished. We well understand that game!

[LynnS6]

Do you have a school counselor? It sounds DEFINITELY like there's a bad dynamic going on there.

From your post, here's what I saw:
Your son is being bullied
Your son has trouble with impulse control (and the first is probably related to the second, because he's a good 'target' because he's reactive).

I think a couple of things need to happen -- the school needs to give a lot closer supervision when your son is in contact with these girls. I would ask that he be seated from her as far as possible and that someone be assigned to watch the interaction at lunch/on the playground so that you all can get a clearer picture of what's going on. Each child is obviously going to be quite biased in their interpretation of events, so I'd only believe about 50% of what each child said. (For example, our dd is 5 and complained that other kids are 'mean'. After about 3 months, I discovered that 'mean' = they don't do exactly what she tells them!)

Additionally, I'd see if your school counselor can work with your son (a) on a plan for when he is being taunted and (b) some anger management. Because he's got SPD (which is a disorder of self-regulation), he's going to need more help than average on this front. Some schools also run 'friendship' clubs where they work on social skills and match up kids. See if your counselor does that.

Does your son get OT for his SPD? If he does, maybe your OT can work with him too. If not, I'd think about seeking out some OT.

Finally, I'm not a fan of removing privileges, at least at this age, unless the privilege is directly related to the offense. So, if my kids don't put their stuff away when asked, then they lose the privilege of using it.

I prefer logical consequences: If my child is 'too tired' to help out with after dinner chores, they then have to go to bed. If my child hurts another, then I ask them to make amends. For your son, it might be writing an apology or drawing a picture or baking some cookies with you for her. I'd also sit down and draw up a list of 2-3 things he can do when he's feeling frustrated by her, and then ROLE play that so he gets practice. So, if you spend the time you were going to use for the museum doing that, OK. If it's just sitting around the house feeling bad, what does he learn?

That's my bottom line with discipline -- what do I want my child to learn from this experience? I often fall short of that. But I like it as an ideal.

[Ruthla]

IMO, cancelling weekend plans is completely arbitrary. Where's the connection between losing control in the moment, and not going somewhere 2 or 3 days later? I just don't see how he can learn anything from that, or how "missing this fun activity" will help him in any way the next time he's overwhelmed at school.

When DS is too rough, or throws objects around the house, or whatever form his aggression takes, I respond immediately. You threw a toy? I take the toy away. You slammed the door so hard that it hurt my ears? I take a random toy away (so it's an immediate response to innapropriate behavior- I can't take the door away and I can't let him continue to slam doors.) If he's too wild with another child, I separate them- if we're out somewhere this often means going home early.

But since you weren't there when this aggression occurred, you couldn't implement any of those things. You need to talk to the school about it. Does he have an IEP? He obviously needs closer supervision at school so that an adult at school can deal with these behaviors as they happen- preferably BEFORE DS gets overwhelmed and acts out.

I have to wonder about the "ball throwing" incident- it's possible he threw the ball at her, hard, on purpose, because he was angry and wanted to hurt her, but it's also possible that he threw the ball as part of a game and accidentally hit her head. If so, he shouldn't be punished for that. I wouldn't rush to punish him for ANY act of aggression that can't be verified by a neutral, responsible party (in the case of 6yos, that usually means an adult.)

When my DS got into trouble at school for "fighting"- all that meant at home was that we'd spend time talking about it, why it's not OK, what he should do instead, and generally I gave him some extra snuggles- if he feels bad, he needs them! It never even occurred to me to take away priveledges at home for what he did in school.

[mamafuko]

Thank you all for posting such thoughtful comments. It did start to gnaw at me that I was arbitrarily punishing him for something that he himself was only partially able to control. I really need to communicate with the teachers about how best to help ds handle hot-button situations. Your posts made me realize how important it was for the staff at the school to help Kyle deal with the situations as they are happening.

I agree that pushing the boy needed to be addressed. That's in part why I came down hard on him this time - because he's capable of unnecessary aggression. I said to him then that any act of aggression would earn him a privilege taken away. So I felt I had to follow through and the only thing I could think of was this museum outing. We don't have a t.v., he doesn't have any electronic game, or devices or any particular toy that he has to have.

Can someone tell me what I can tell ds specifically to help him? I am highly motivated to prevent other kids from being at the end of my ds' acts of aggression, though as few they may be. What if talking isn't enough?

ETA: The lunch ladies saw my ds try to pour something on the girls' head. Ds insists they are mistaken, but essentially admitted to it by claiming it was an "accident".

Also, the girl and her parents seem pretty reasonable. I guess I don't see a reason why the girl would lie.

[mamafuko]

I just wanted to post an update. I wrote a note to ds' teachers letting them know how the girl might be the instigator, and sure enough, they caught her doing exactly what my ds said she was doing. It feels great that justice prevailed. It's so easy to see ds as the aggressor, but I'm so glad his teachers were open to interpreting the situation differently.

BTW, yes ds does get OT and he's in a special collaborative teaching class that integrates special needs children with "regular" children. But I definitely still have to advocate on behalf of my son. He's not able to handle situations like this smoothly. I hope he's learned though that he can help himself by speaking up.