Very contrary and negative child-Help!

[Ak Mom]

I have an almost 6 yo ds. He's very creative, and while not a genius, definitely above average compared to his peers in terms of "book smarts." His personality is so difficult, and we are at an all time high of negativity and I need some tips in dealing with it.

Here's a rundown:
He has always been a bit socially awkward, even though we've always been involved in playgroups and such. But I've noticed that his interactions with other kids and adults tends to be on the "what happens if I ____(generally do something to irritate, pester, hurt, etc)?" He doesn't seem to know how to play along with the other kids "storyline" if that makes sense. He just knows how to bother someone. With other kids, it's just pester. But with family, it's hurt. When I ask him why he does some of the things he does, he says he likes to be mean.

He is also very contrary and negative. He says he doesn't like this or that, even though I KNOW he does. He'll actually catch himself saying he likes something, and then say "well, I guess I kind of like it but not really. No, I don't like it." The HATE word is used often.

He is very destructive as well. Constantly breaking things, writing on things, taking things apart...

I try to be very blase about his words and behavior, and not make a big deal out of things. But sometimes it's so frustrating and just makes me sad that he likes to be mean. He always wants to be the bad guy. Why is that?

He can be very sweet and loving, and he is very creative. But he can be so mean, physically and mentally, to his family. This has been going on for years, it's past being a phase. Does anyone else have a child like this, or have any advice?

[Awaken]

my 6 yo is just like this a lot of the time. he's had this personality since he was a baby, so like with yours, it's not a phase! he is always somewhat socially awkward with kids his own age, and having a younger brother has been extremely trying. the hurting talk is very frequent whenever DS2 is involved. also very creative as yours is, and overall just very "different" and unique.

I'll have to think if I have any advice. it really gets me down when we're in a particularly bad phase. I know we can't change their fundamental personalities, but I keep trying to model the words/behavior toward others I want to teach him, and pray, a lot! that he'll grow up to be an understanding and compassionate person because he's seen it growing up.

hopefully our love and presence as parents will make a difference in their lives.

I'm about to read "Raising Cain" about the emotional lives of boys, which people on here have recommended and may shed some light on this.

I know it's not easy sometimes.

[AugustineM]

Hey Mistee!! Funny seeing you here! I couldn't read and not respond.

Thor does this a little bit, not as much as you're explaining, but I have found I think he does it for attention. It's his way of getting negative attention. I don't know if you've found that to be the case with Bjorn, but I find that if I either a) totally and completely ignore it, like not even ask him questions about it, or admonish it, or use a tone in my voice or be sarcastic or anything, I mean, seriously like with the same tone as "here's a towel" he almost always drops it. Or b) find what is the trigger, like when he is most likely to do it, and try to avoid that situation.

Anna also can frequently be either destructive or mean, and she also definitely does it for attention. The more that I argue with her about it, or try to "punish" her for it, the more she does it, and the more she doesn't understand why, you know? They don't really know why. For some reason they get something out of it, so they keep doing it. I don't think it's Bjorn's personality to be mean naturally or anything like that, I think that for some reason he feels compelled to keep behaving that way.

I have to say, that once I completely backed off of Anna, she stopped the behavior. For instance, for a while she was pooping on the floor, pulling potted plants out of the pots, putting whole rolls of toilet paper into the toilet, etc. basically doing everything she could think of that was destructive, and for weeks I was getting MAD at her for all of it. Yelling at her, being a completely frustrated mama and not knowing what to do. And then one day, after weeks of this, I was like, wait a minute. She's doing this because she is getting attention from me when she does these things. She wants my attention, and she doesn't care if it's negative or not. So I stopped reacting when she did those things. I'd quietly clean it up, or else just leave it. She would actually come and get me to show me what she'd done. She'd say, "Look mama!" And wait for me to get angry. I'd say, "Yeah, I saw that." And nothing else. And seriously, within days, she quit doing all that. I also tried to focus more on her, on doing fun things together. It's almost like a bellweather for her... a way for her to tell me that she needs me more. I don't know if that makes sense.

Hope it gets better soon.