Divorce & circ, who gets to decide?

[NewDirections]

I'm getting divorced and having a baby in March. I do not know the sex of the baby, so I could be worrying for nothing. Stbxh has said in the past that he wanted to circ because "a boy should look like his father" I definitely do not want to circ. Our child should be able to make that choice for himself.

How can I prevent him from circing our child if it is a boy. I'm going to breastfeed, and I've read that in my state visitation is arranged around the baby's feeding schedule, so he probably won't be able to take the baby for long in the beginning. I've read that if a baby is over a month old and is circed they have to go under a general. Is this true? This may be able to make it more difficult for him to circ our baby, right?

The thought of my sweet babe getting circed is just awful

[Ruthla]

If you have joint legal custody, then either one of you can take the baby for "medical care" and sign off on any procedure. If you have sole legal custody, then you get to make any and all medical decisions.

I'm not 100% sure how it works in the hospital though- if you don't put his name on the birth certificate right away (it can always be added later) then you may be able to prevent him getting circ'ed in the hospital. I'm not sure what can prevent him from taking the baby to be circ'ed when he's a week or two old.

I suggest you talk to a lawyer, one who's familiar with Family Law in your state and county.

[NewDirections]

I'm having a UC, so no hospital.

Will it be seen by a judge as adversarial if I don't put his name on the bc?

[snangel]

It depends where you live, but if you would like I will pm you my story, I am in Canada though, but I took ds's dad to court, and kept my son intact. let me know...oh and either way please contact a lawyer.

[mysticmomma]

you can have it written that both parents be notified of and consent to medical treatment.

[Ruthla]

I was thinking in terms of "don't put the father down in the hospital, to keep him from signing the consent to circ while you're in your hospital room, then add his name to the birth certificate a few days or weeks later." If you're having the baby at home, you don't need to worry about that happening- the only thing you need to worry about is him taking the baby to a pediatrician or urologist during his "visitation" time. This will be a whole lot harder for him to arrange, if he's only getting the baby for an hour or two at a time (how many doctors' offices are THAT efficient?)

You also may want to figure out your "backup plan" in case you end up in a hospital during or after the birth anyway. Life doesnt' always go the way we plan it, and if you're dealing with a difficult labor or a sick baby, you don't want the added stress of wondering what your ex might do.

You still need to get something in writing, either that you specifically don't want the baby circ'ed or that you and XH both need to agree to any medical procedure. You'll need a judge to sign off on either thing for it to be binding.

[eepster]

Originally Posted by NewDirections

I'm having a UC, so no hospital.

Will it be seen by a judge as adversarial if I don't put his name on the bc?

I would be worried that a judge might view a UC as irresponsible and grant the right to make all medical decisions to the dad. Could you get a pretty hands off relaxed midwife, for a more conventional home birth.

[mysticmomma]

or at least do parallel care?

[NewDirections]

I have an OB, a hands off midwife will cost me $4,000 I'll probably "accidentaly" have the baby at home because he/she came so fast

[pantufla]

You CAN have joint custody, and only one parent have sole medical decision making authority. At least where I live, you can. I have a friend who is being taken to court because the dad wants joint decision-making authority. When you fill out the divorce decree just make sure you quietly add that in, that you will have sole authority over medical decisions. (My friend got her divorce without a lawyer; she said it was a simple box checked on a form.)

[CorasMama]

Just one more thought. No doctor has ever asked me if I have the legal right to make medical decisions for my own child, and I can't imagine that any have ever asked my ex, either. So, while you can get it written into a custody agreement, it won't undo anything he does. My suggestion is to go to mediation over this, so that by the time it gets written into the agreement, he at the very least actually (even if begrudgingly) agrees not to circumcise.

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

In the hospital 99% of the time the mom has to be the one to sign. After the hospital even with an order that you need to be consulted about medical care your stbhx can take your ds and have it done no problem. Almost any ped office that circs will allow this to happen.

I honestly would be very worried if I where you The only thing I can think of is if your xh takes your ds to always write on his tummy with a sharpy do not circ. Other wise it is very possible he will have this done on one of his visits. If he where to do it even against a court order I doubt very seriously that anything would be done legally because circ here is so common and accepted.

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this.

[minkajane]

XH and I got a dissolution instead of a formal divorce, and I did it pro se, so I was able to put in anything I wanted. Thankfully, XH will sign almost anything as long as it sounds remotely reasonable and he doesn't have to do any work. I made sure to say that both parents have to consent to non-emergency medical care and that the other parent must be notified immediately if an emergency occurs with DS. I also have a clause that says "Both parents agree that DS is not to be vaccinated or circumcised at any time." No, a ped is not going to check that before they vax or circ a kid, but XH knows that if it happened, he would probably lose visitation. He loves DS enough not to risk not getting to see him over something like that.

[urchin_grey]

Make your wishes known in court. When my sister was separated (baby was 18mo by this time but my sister was still worried) she let the judge know her wishes and the judge told her ex that he could not have him circ'd or even so much as cut his hair without my sister's consent (and vice versa). So if he doesn't want to go to jail, he'll leave him alone.

[ecstaticmama24]

I wouldn't put his name on the bc, and I would not let my baby out of my sight. I don't believe he gets the "right" for anything until he is declared father and if his name is not on the bc then that can take a while.

It's so stressfull isn't it?

[Goodmom2008]

There is at least one case involving divorced parents that I know of where the mother wanted the circ and the father didn't. The father prevailed because it's not medically necessary. And has prevailed when the mother tried again a few years later.

You need to discuss it with your attorney how you would get an order that prevents this. And make it clear to your OB/GYN that you will NOT be circumcising. Make it clear to the hospital that you will NOT be circumcising and try to be with your baby at all times. Especially if the father is there, because he can give written consent in the abscence of a court order preventing the unnecessary surgery from being done.

Worry about educating your stupid stbx after you have protected your baby.

[Goodmom2008]

Originally Posted by mysticmomma

you can have it written that both parents be notified of and consent to medical treatment.

This is not something that I would agree to. Routine medical care would be made more difficult by this kind of statement. Especially if the other parent wants to be a jerk about it.

[K703]

I think the best thing to do if you can is put in the divorce decree that your DS cannot be circumcised, and to provide consequences if it is done (loss of custody/visitation rights, etc.). I agree that totally writing your (soon to be) ex-DH out on making medical decisions might not be the smartest idea, in case of an emergency situation or the like.

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

If you can keep him from having your ds alone for at least the first 6 months then after that it would be much harder for your xh to find someone to do it without putting him under GA at a year they have to be put under. Though there are stories of Dr. doing it even that old it would hopefully be hard to find one.

[MommaKitten21]

I would recommend making a phone call to a lawyer. Though our situation is much, much different, we didn't contact a lawyer when we should of regarding our daughter, and the worst case scenario happened with her other bio-parent. Had we contacted a lawyer, things would have gone much differently. Seriously. Contact a lawyer.