Coping with travel for work

[That Is Nice]

How do you do it????? Coping with travel for work, that is?

I need to figure this one out because it's causing major consternation. I don't trust DH (big back story), DH has little time off from work anyway, I have zero reliable support system (no one to step up and take on child care), and I don't pay for full time day care because I work part time so when travel falls on days I don't have day care, I end up buying more daycare, which totally eats up everything from my salary, and a few months I've actually paid out more than I earned!

I really am not equipped to be able to handle travel for work. I really don't have the kind of life to accommodate this so I guess I'm wondering how other mothers who work outside the home take this on and succeed.

Please help.

[Ellien C]

double post - see below.

[Ellien C]

Well - I just left the kid with DH and let him figure it out. It's not like he had a drug or drinking problem, and he figured out what to do. There are still a LOT of things I would do differently, but overall, I think my daughter benefits from having a variety of care givers who do things different ways.

Other things I've done: Took DH and DD with me to a business trip to Orange County. Stayed in a hotel right outside Disney and they had wonderful adventures while I worked.

Took my mother to Boston for week and they stayed in my hotel room. They went off and had wonderful adventures while I worked. (I'm sensing a theme here!).

How much are you traveling? Is it an option to cut back? Negotiate for more money? Do you go to the same place? ARe you using a National chain childcare facility? They might let you pay for a week or a few days at another facility. I only travelled 1-2x a year and it was quite manageable. I looked forward to it.

The way I see it, you need to start building a network. Either through DH or with swapping care with another mom at your day care, through bringing a friend or relative with you or finding a place in the city you travel to. Or finding a way to eliminate this from your job.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by Ellien C

Well - I just left the kid with DH and let him figure it out.

Does your DH have to take off from work, though? This is an option - potentially - if DH starts acting better and in more trustworthy ways. It's not just about him caring differently for our child than I would, but about doing things while I'm away that he wouldn't do while I am there. That sort of thing.

Plus, DH would still have to take off from work on the days we do not have child care lined up when I have to travel, which for multi-day trips, has been at least one and half days for each trip.

DH gets only 2 weeks of PTO a year so...

The time is running out, whether he stays with or goes with me.

Originally Posted by Ellien C

Well - I just left the kid with DH and let him figure it out. It's not like he had a drug or drinking problem, and he figured out what to do.

Took my mother to Boston for week and they stayed in my hotel room. They went off and had wonderful adventures while I worked. (I'm sensing a theme here!).

Well, this would work for me if I had any kind of a network of family who were 1) reliable 2) law abiding or 3) drug and alcohol free. I don't have any one - not a single person - in my blood relatives who meets these three things, unfortunately. I mean my own mother has been investigated for child neglect so many times throughout the years by CPS that even if I did trust her in the present day, which I do not, I wouldn't feel very good about leaving my child with her for any length of time. She just is not capable of making good decisions.

Originally Posted by Ellien C

The way I see it, you need to start building a network. Either through DH or with swapping care with another mom at your day care, through bringing a friend or relative with you or finding a place in the city you travel to. Or finding a way to eliminate this from your job.

I need to see about reducing travel at work, I guess. It's a part of the job, though.

I just don't know if I can keep working this job. I might need to find another one.

[lolar2]

I have heard of people taking their kids on trips and using hotel childcare, etc. You wouldn't have to lay out ALL your baggage to tell your boss or colleagues "I don't have any childcare options. Can someone possibly trade off with me, or do you have suggestions for how to find it?" The other thing I can think of is, sometimes I see threads in "Find Your Tribe" that say "I am taking a business trip with the kid(s) to x area at x date, and looking for childcare. Can anyone give suggestions?"

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by lolar2

I have heard of people taking their kids on trips and using hotel childcare, etc. You wouldn't have to lay out ALL your baggage to tell your boss or colleagues "I don't have any childcare options. Can someone possibly trade off with me, or do you have suggestions for how to find it?" The other thing I can think of is, sometimes I see threads in "Find Your Tribe" that say "I am taking a business trip with the kid(s) to x area at x date, and looking for childcare. Can anyone give suggestions?"

Thanks.

I guess what it comes down to is I simply can't afford to access childcare options away from home, and away from the expensive childcare I already pay for, such as using childcare at the hotel or in the city I am traveling to.

I only clear about $200 to $300 per month over childcare and other work related costs anyway. So when meetings and travel come up on days when I don't have childcare, I have paid extra for childcare on those days, and a few months already this year I have paid out more in childcare costs than I earned.

I can't sustain that. I like the job, and it pays a decent wage, and they are incredibly nice, and they are incredibly flexible most of the time, and it comes with great benefits. But, for me, I just can't sustain 4 or more travel trips a year where I'm basically either missing the travel or paying out more money than what I'm earning.

This is where I really feel the rawness, I guess I would label it, or the reality, perhaps, of having no one in my life who is trustworthy and contributes something. I give and give and give to everyone, and have for years, and when it comes down to it, I just have takers in my life. Not givers.

I do have good friends, but I'm not going to drop off my child with them for three days. They have to work, too, and they don't have the schedule to watch my child for two or three days, plus overnights. Plus, I just don't want to be a burden in general.

I mean with my own regular work schedule, I wouldn't be able to offer childcare for one of my friend's children if they needed the same thing. That's just the reality of working.

I don't know. How do single moms with no family or support system who make around $40k per year - how do you pull this off?

I have looked around and asked around at work and it seems like people drop their children off at their parents' homes. My parents don't even have homes, much less stability so that isn't an option.

[GuildJenn]

Would your work cover your daycare costs for the trips? If you haven't asked it might be worth asking - it at least opens the dialogue and might gain you flexibility, like travelling for one day rather than overnight or something.

I think it sounds like you have a great job in many ways but I'm honestly not sure part-time work is working for you. It's not because of the money you net, it's because working part time means you are still operating as your own support network rather than developing sort of full coverage. If that makes sense.

The reason I can travel for work is that I have full-time care, because I'm using it, and it also means a certain continuity for my son in that when I'm (rarely) away, it's just the mornings and evenings that are different.

If you could find someone you trust with your child who could cover the 4 trips a year for a reasonable amount, that might work just because it is rare. But I don't know where in your life you have time to build that kind of network right now. Although I do wonder if there are MDC moms local to you where you could start.

[simcon]

I travel 6+ times for work a year, and it's always challenging, despite having a reliable partner with a somewhat flexible job who can travel with me if necessary, a trustworthy mother who lives nearby, close community who swap tons of childcare, and regular fulltime childcare--so I think what you're trying to do is really difficult!!

You've said most of the options I'd suggest wouldn't work, but here are some others:

1. Look for cheaper full time child care. (In most cases I'm familiar with, part time child care tends to be proportionately more per hour than full time childcare. We are "scheduled" for full time family child care with a great woman who is a SAHM and we only use it part time, and it's more cost effective for us that way, plus it gives us flexibility. It's about $75 less per week than a regular daycare would be, and probably comparable to what parttime care in a center would be)

2. Find a job with less travel, or negotiate less travel in your current job until your child is in school, at which point at least the days are more covered. This year, I have a nursing babe, and a heavy fall travel schedule--I have bailed on one of the trips and asked my boss to do it for me. She was willing in part because I'm making 5 other trips work, by bringing my partner or mom along to take care of the baby and by either bringing our 6 y.o. along too or arranging 3-4 days of care at home for her with a dizzying number of helpful friends and my mom.

3. Focus on developing a support system, and building trust with your partner. Even if these things don't fall into place for you immediately, it's not as if there won't be a need for them in the future.

Good luck--it sounds really very challenging!

[shayinme]

Originally Posted by That Is Nice

I don't know. How do single moms with no family or support system who make around $40k per year - how do you pull this off?

I have looked around and asked around at work and it seems like people drop their children off at their parents' homes. My parents don't even have homes, much less stability so that isn't an option.

When I was a single Mama in the early -mid 1990's I used a woman who provided in home childcare who was willing at times to watch my son overnight. I did have some family that could help but I couldn't use them all the time. Having a few trusted in home sitters is what saved me on a few occasions. I was making mid 30's back then so comparable salary to what you are asking about.

[lolar2]

By the way, scratch the phrase "I don't want to be a burden" from your vocabulary. Off the top of my head, I can name ten people I know who either wouldn't be alive today if they had refused to be burdens, or are not alive today because they refused to be burdens. With time to think about it, I probably can get to twenty or thirty. People today live such a long time, and with so many chronic disabling conditions which used to be fatal, that nearly everyone in the industrialized world will either have to learn to accept help, or die, at some point in their lives. It's best to get used to accepting help BEFORE it becomes a life-or-death matter.

[That Is Nice]

Thanks to you all...great discussion, great ideas. Thank you for responding. This issue is causing me so much consternation.

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

Would your work cover your daycare costs for the trips?

That is a neat thought...I kind of doubt it, though. Well, actually, I know for sure they couldn't (they might if they could, though). I think they want to be accommodating. It's the same thing for negotiating travel out of the job until my child is school-aged. That's just not going to work (I asked and was told no).

Thank you for the good dialogue and great ideas. I really, really appreciate it, everyone. I really do.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by lolar2

By the way, scratch the phrase "I don't want to be a burden" from your vocabulary. Off the top of my head, I can name ten people I know who either wouldn't be alive today if they had refused to be burdens, or are not alive today because they refused to be burdens. With time to think about it, I probably can get to twenty or thirty. People today live such a long time, and with so many chronic disabling conditions which used to be fatal, that nearly everyone in the industrialized world will either have to learn to accept help, or die, at some point in their lives. It's best to get used to accepting help BEFORE it becomes a life-or-death matter.

Well, I totally see your point, but I'm going to say how I honestly feel, and I'm a bit sheepish about this, but it's the honest truth.

I come from a family of what most would consider dead beats. I used to give them all the benefit of the doubt and try to help them as much as possible.

I would spend (and still sometimes do) countless hours trying to fix their problems for them, or help guide them through good decisions that they so obviously needed assistance in order to make, I took off countless days from work, I spent lots and lots of money. I'm talking thousands and thousands of dollars.

They were a burden. There. I said it. They were.

I spent all my non-essential cash on them. I have never gone anywhere or done anything. I live well below my means and have some savings, but not the savings I should have based on my income and my frugality. I never have owned anything nice despite working hard and earning pretty good money most of my adult life. I feel drained and cheated by this whole experience because I grew up in poverty and then wasted all my money when I was an adult on people who didn't appreciate it and didn't use it to improve their lives. And I haven't lived life the way I wanted to.

And now I have a child, and I can't get ahead, at least for a few years, due to child care costs, and I'm just kind of keeping afloat when I used to do very well and didn't enjoy any of my success for myself.

So, I do not want to be a burden because I was so burdened by my own family (my parents, my siblings, others). Does that make sense?

I don't have it in me to be a burden to anymore. I just don't.

[Herausgeber]

I work full time, and I travel every couple of months or so for one or two nights.

We also have no family here.

What I do have: an au pair. I do find that having live-in full time care makes all the difference in the world. We can adjust the hours she works to best fit what DH needs in my absence.

I also have a network of friends here that I know would help me out if I needed it. And I happily return the favor.

The professional mothers I know who work PT seem to have much more stressful lives than the ones who work FT. It's like they are trying to be SAHMs, with work just thrown on top of it. And they get paid less for their work, per hour, to boot.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by Herausgeber

I work full time, and I travel every couple of months or so for one or two nights.

We also have no family here.

What I do have: an au pair. I do find that having live-in full time care makes all the difference in the world. We can adjust the hours she works to best fit what DH needs in my absence.

I also have a network of friends here that I know would help me out if I needed it. And I happily return the favor.

The professional mothers I know who work PT seem to have much more stressful lives than the ones who work FT. It's like they are trying to be SAHMs, with work just thrown on top of it. And they get paid less for their work, per hour, to boot.

I think you are right. I often think how working part time while being a parent is way harder than my pre-mothering years when I worked full time and worked long, long hours. That was way easier, travel included!

May I ask how much you pay for an au pair? I'm sure it varies geographically.

I pay about $1200 per month for daycare.

[lolar2]

Originally Posted by That Is Nice

So, I do not want to be a burden because I was so burdened by my own family (my parents, my siblings, others). Does that make sense?

I don't have it in me to be a burden to anymore. I just don't.

I totally get that. I really do. I worry all the time about somehow becoming like certain members of my extended family, which I've posted to you about on other threads. And I worry that DS will be like them, too. However, that worry is in fact irrational. When I look at my ACTUAL behavior, as opposed to theirs, the gulf between it is so wide that I would have to make a serious effort to come anywhere near being as much of a UAV as they are. I mean seriously, I don't think I have it in me to be that evil. And I think that asking for four nights of childcare per year, is nowhere near "burden" territory-- among other things, the people you'd ask would mostly be friends/ colleagues, not family, and would feel much freer to say no than you felt when you were taken advantage of.

The fact is that your last sentence is probably true-- you probably DON'T have it in you to be a burden. From everything you've written, you have no addictions, you are thoroughly employable, you have the wherewithal to access disability resources if something should happen to make you no longer employable, etc. You would have to try really hard to be anything like a burden, and all that trying would probably put you somewhere in the territory of "asking for and accepting a level of help from friends that most people would simply take for granted as what friends do for one another, even if they themselves never ask for it."

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by lolar2

The fact is that your last sentence is probably true-- you probably DON'T have it in you to be a burden. From everything you've written, you have no addictions, you are thoroughly employable, you have the wherewithal to access disability resources if something should happen to make you no longer employable, etc. You would have to try really hard to be anything like a burden, and all that trying would probably put you somewhere in the territory of "asking for and accepting a level of help from friends that most people would simply take for granted as what friends do for one another, even if they themselves never ask for it."

Thank you. You really lifted my spirits by saying that, and this has been a hard day, so thank you very much! I try very hard to be the opposite of my family: self-sufficient, but still human; responsible, but allow myself some mistakes; disciplined; hard working; and I really try to set a good example for my child. Some days I do better than others, probably like all people.

My friend said the other day to me that she is so perplexed by my family because I am such a good person (her words, not mine! ) and I took that as a big compliment but then later it made me kind of sad. It really does kind of suck coming from a family of ne'er-do-wells, as I'm sure you know personally!

It sometimes just boggles my mind when people I know don't have drug and alcohol addicted relatives but instead have relatives who hold down jobs and get together for fun family times. Amazing!

[lolar2]

I am lucky enough that most of my relatives, and all of my immediate family, are pretty cool and not addicted to anything. But I have enough relatives who do have serious problems (or who ARE serious problems), that I never forget how lucky I am. If you see what I mean. ETA: that friend, anywhere near you? Since it sounds as though she is at least somewhat acquainted with your family problems, she's a good one to start with for emergency childcare if she can provide a stable place for a night.

[meemee]

i have no family at all around me to help.

so for the first 3 years when my ex could not handle dd and dd wasnt ready to spend overnights with him, i gave up my traveling job and made it v. clear with my employers what to expect. at 3 when she started spending overnights with ex, i had more options. so at 4 i was able to take a job that involved travelling.

all through dd's life i have had to suit my life around what was the best option of taking care of her. for instance ex just does not have it in him to be there for dd emotionally. he is a great parent but he just cant give up control. so dd staying with him over a long period of time was definitely a big no no when she was younger. so i had support, but limited.

however i had a great dc. really great who truly worked with me when i couldnt afford them anymore. they had me come in and help them as barter but i joke with them that that was the best paying job i had. $200 an hour.

i think with single moms they have to do what is in their circumstances to do. if esp. travelling is doing this to you - completely taking away all your earnings plus more, and creating more stress, its time to find a new job.

[Herausgeber]

Originally Posted by That Is Nice

May I ask how much you pay for an au pair? I'm sure it varies geographically.

I pay about $1200 per month for daycare.

Actually, it doesn't vary geographically -- not if you have a proper State Department approved au pair. Including the cash stipend and our agency fee, it comes to about $1,250 a month, plus room and board. And an au pair can work up to 45 hours a week. My daughter doesn't have to get up and leave the house every day. If she's sick, I still have care.

I realize that to people in many parts of the country, that cost might look insane, but we would pay that much for a good daycare or preschool here, as well. Without the flexibility or one-on-one care.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by meemee

all through dd's life i have had to suit my life around what was the best option of taking care of her.

In my heart, I know this is what I have to do. And it has been my priority for a long time.

Lately, though, that has shifted a bit, and I think it's because of peer pressure at work, and looks, and assumptions.

All day yesterday, in order not to really feel down about this, I had to remind myself that I can not compare myself in my present period of life to men with the same career who have a spouse at home who takes care of their children and home (most of the people I work with) nor can I compare myself to people who have older, self-sufficient children, nor to women with young kids who have a reliable family member nearby who willingly takes the children and in whom they trust.

I don't have that, and I never will. It's not a function of where I live, but who my parents are and have always been.

Lately at work I've been feeling very stupid and petty for even talking about my childcare issues, my child in general. Do people even really care what the issue is? They seem like they don't really care and don't really want to hear about it. Anything I say seems like an excuse.

DH as usual is not helpful. He just says to suck it up. If I don't have enough resources then I need to be more creative. If other people have resources that we don't have, then forget about it, and don't expect anything. DH thinks I have a sense of entitlement. That's what he says.

He is so irritating to me. We have a teacher inservice day coming up, and the day care will be closed. It's on a day when we both work. But who will be taking the day off and telling her boss that she has to? Me, of course. It's always me. DH says he can't take it off so don't even bother asking him. That's why I work part time, etc, etc, but it's on a day when we both work.

I'm beginning to wonder why I am even doing this.