Working, career, and parenting are wearing me down, breaking me, pulling me in too many directions

[That Is Nice]

I can't do this much longer at the current pace.

I have too many things going on at home, a child who after years of attachment parenting and extended nursing can not seem to detach from my hip and who wants to sleep with me every single night.

This would be fine, and was fine, since I believe in co-sleeping, and we did it just fine when I was a stay-at-home mom with no real schedule to keep, but now that I am working it makes it very hard to get a good night's sleep, and also to get things done at night when my little one goes to bed, which is a key time for me to catch up on things at home and things for work.

My job has had travel requirements, and this is just, well, difficult. I can't do multi-day trips for work with my parenting responsibilities and current situation in life.

I have no one really to rely on or to lean on when I have to travel and it makes life so difficult.

I can't get everything done at work to the extent and with the quality that I want to put in and am capable of.

The same is true for home. I can't stay on top of chores, errands, appointments while staying on top of everything for work.

There simply isn't enough time in the day and everything gets done incompletely it seems.

Plus, I miss all kinds of events for my child. I feel like I'm running here and there every minute of the day and don't have time to catch my breath and pay attention and give the time that work deserves or that my child deserves.

Yes, working, for me, with my marital situation and family background, and economic standing, is a better alternative to not working but it is challenging to hold it all together with zero family support network, marital trouble, and just no one to step in and help when there are lots of meetings or travel.

Advice? Tips? Ideas? I'm loosing this challenge. It seems like it was an impossibility to begin with, to tell the truth.

[meandmine]

Just a HUG and "me too." I am a single mom after being a sahm for 7 years. I have all the same feelings.

I am currently in "intersession" from school (we are year round) and wonder if I have the courage to go back to the grind. My dds' piano teacher got huffy with me for paying late and when I briefly mentioned my challenges she was completely dismissive (I didn't even mention the divorce, stbx's bankruptcy, etc). She has NO clue.

The only advice I can offer is what I am currently telling myself -- if it/him/her are giving me grief or stress -- chuck it/him/her for now. So, if the piano teacher says one more thing ... I am done; will find another teacher/take a break. If someone expects me to do something I just feel pushes me over the top (camping in a couple of weekends)--I say "oops. I can't pull that off right now." (and that is what I did say).

As for the kids' activities ... breaks my heart. I choose the two special special events a year and I cash in my goodwill at work and take those hours off.

It is really hard if you are a hard worker and have high standards -- me too -- and I love what I do and I get VERY positive feedback which makes me want to give more, BUT ... we can't ... we have to say ... at this point in our lives we need to "put family first." Hard, I know. I am still working on this part.

Feel free to PM ... I know whereof you speak!

M

[_betsy_]

I hear ya.

I work nights, and while I don't have to travel for work, I do definitely hear you on the "stretched too thin, burning out, not doing anything as well as I want to" front.

I'd love to be able to hire a housekeeper and a personal assistant to keep up with all the mundane things so I can concentrate on the more important things.

Hugs. It's hard being a working mom. I can't imagine traveling, having marriage issues and not having supportive family around, on top of it all.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by meandmine

Just a HUG and "me too." I am a single mom after being a sahm for 7 years. I have all the same feelings.

I am currently in "intersession" from school (we are year round) and wonder if I have the courage to go back to the grind. My dds' piano teacher got huffy with me for paying late and when I briefly mentioned my challenges she was completely dismissive (I didn't even mention the divorce, stbx's bankruptcy, etc). She has NO clue.

The only advice I can offer is what I am currently telling myself -- if it/him/her are giving me grief or stress -- chuck it/him/her for now. So, if the piano teacher says one more thing ... I am done; will find another teacher/take a break. If someone expects me to do something I just feel pushes me over the top (camping in a couple of weekends)--I say "oops. I can't pull that off right now." (and that is what I did say).

As for the kids' activities ... breaks my heart. I choose the two special special events a year and I cash in my goodwill at work and take those hours off.

It is really hard if you are a hard worker and have high standards -- me too -- and I love what I do and I get VERY positive feedback which makes me want to give more, BUT ... we can't ... we have to say ... at this point in our lives we need to "put family first." Hard, I know. I am still working on this part.

Feel free to PM ... I know whereof you speak!

M

Oh, gosh. Thank you so much! You really seem to be going through the same things. I was actually kind of hoping single moms would chime in here because although I am married, I often feel so close to other single moms and their stories just because my marriage is troubled and because I have no network of support (very, very toxic family who have drug/alcohol and other issues).

It is hard!

I don't expect people to do everything, or even anything, for me and I certainly don't think someone needs to babysit my kid while I travel for work.

It's just that I am having a hard time fully explaining the situation to my boss because it's so multi-layered.

I had a meeting earlier this month that I had to travel for, and I ended up leaving a few hours early to get back home, and I know that it doesn't look good.

But here is what happened: my child was sick anyway and on medication. Then had an allergic reaction to something and had this last for more than a day while I was traveling and in meetings. My parent, who is homeless, was calling me and needed money to get a motel to stay warm (weather is turning colder) and I was trying to deal with that. My marriage is a bit on the rocks and the fighting wears me down. All those things were going on and I just can't focus on work for two straight long days while being away from home, which is my base. It's hard enough being away from home when your child is sick but with all the other factors, I was finding it hard to hold everything together.

I don't think I can fully communicate this at work because there are other parents who work at the same place and they drop their kids off at their mother's home while they travel. I don't want to lay out all my baggage to my boss, obviously, but when your parent is homeless and has alcohol/other issues, it's not like you can just drop your child off and go off for travel for work, you know? I have a totally different situation than almost everyone I know.

[GuildJenn]

I'm catching up on your threads.

On practical level I do co-sleep but we have found ways to do it where it works for me to get sleep. If I weren't getting sleep I'd address that first. This is how we do it: My son is aware that I get up after he falls asleep. He's 4, so I feel it's safe to sometimes stick a bolster pillow between him and me if he's kicking me awake. Sometimes the three of us do a bit of musical beds and I've told him if he wakes up and is looking for me to come to his bed. In other words, we sort of meet halfway - he knows where I am likely to be, and I am not tethered to the bed.

We night-weaned at about 2.5.

For the work situation - you know, one of the roles of a boss is to support individuals with individual circumstances. That doesn't mean that they will necessarily be able to accomodate every request, but I really don't see a problem with your talking to your boss the exact way you've put it here - you have a unique family situation and you really want to do your best job at work, but there will be times that your actual situation makes it harder for you. Your boss may not be able to help but s/he may, and if you don't just quickly and dispassionately lay it out, you're not giving him/her a chance.

For the meeting I don't know. It's true it may not look good, but it may also not be as big a deal to everyone around you as you think. I leave at 4 pretty much on the nose every day and I feel bad about it, but some conversations I've had have indicated that it really is a MUCH bigger deal to me than it is to almost anyone else. It would be good to be kind to yourself those few times you have to do something like that and not assume it's going to result in disaster.

I have past trauma in my life and I do assume that ANY misstep on my part will end in DISASTER but it's not usually true.

Hugs to you.

[lolar2]

I had a few other thoughts on this. One is, to see if there are message boards for your particular field of work, and lurk or start a new anonymous account there to ask some field-specific questions. Part of your question here is about the etiquette of how to approach your boss in this scenario, and that really can be field-specific.

Another thought is, you've described your in-laws before and they sound like people with whom your child would at least be safe. Have you asked them to come into town when you have to travel for work and your husband can't or won't take time off?

And another thought, you could choose one colleague with children who travels with you, whichever one seems especially trustworthy, and ask if your child can stay with that colleague's mother on one trip. I know it seems like a lot to ask, but you don't have to give your whole life story. You could easily say something like, "My husband can't get time off of work, and my parents live out of town and have too many health problems [a widely accepted euphemism which is basically true] to be able to take care of a child. Is it possible my child could adopt your parents as his grandparents for this one night?" Or something like that. Or, another parent at the same daycare as your child. That kind of thing.

Finally, I agree with Guildjenn (can't remember whether it was this thread or the other) that it might be worthwhile to apply for a different job so you can have more of a full-time support network. Even if the rest of your life were absolutely perfect, this sounds like one of those jobs where you work essentially full-time hours for part-time pay.

[Bethla]

Your title says it all...I totally feel you! We can have different situations but understand as working mothers how amazingly difficult it is to meet all the demands of our day-to-day. When I feel like I absolutely can't deal...I call in sick. I know not everyone has the capability to do this but it's a make or break for me. I can pay bills, return phone calls, stare off into space...whatever it takes to feel like I have some control over my life.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by Bethla

Your title says it all...I totally feel you! We can have different situations but understand as working mothers how amazingly difficult it is to meet all the demands of our day-to-day. When I feel like I absolutely can't deal...I call in sick. I know not everyone has the capability to do this but it's a make or break for me. I can pay bills, return phone calls, stare off into space...whatever it takes to feel like I have some control over my life.

What title?

Working mother?

Yes, I totally think so too.



I should call in sick more than I do, but I legitamately call in sick so often for my child that I don't ever call in sick for myself. I also handle nearly all the appointments, etc, for which I use sick leave, and then I handle school shut-downs and inservice days for which I use vacation. I burn through my PTO like it's nothing and it's all kid-related uses. None for me. It kind of sucks.

No, not kind of. It basically sucks.

[traceface]

Originally Posted by That Is Nice

What title?

Working mother?

I think Bethla meant your thread title!

[meemee]

dont know what advice to give. dont know where you can cut corners.

for starters you have to give up on the guilt. or else you are spiraling down to some sort of physical breakdown.

one day things will blow up. and freak the hell out of you. and totally make you feel that's it. you have hit rock bottom.

but it really isnt. its the back up the path to better times.

i am a single mom and i am going thru some similar stuff as you. however i do have help of my ex so he is there (and i can trust him) and he does try to when i do need help. but he is all i have. no family here. that doesnt mean i have free time. it means i am catching up a little bit on school work.

the thing that changed everything was my health breaking down and ER visits. it totally brought home what my mom has always told me. first take care of yourself and then your child. oh boy did i learn that.

but i am over that hump that you are in now. i have found friends and supportive people who are willing to help. even today i feel bad because we miss out on so much. some nights i dont even have the energy for a bed time story.

HOWEVER i will say its also how i look at the world. if i tell myself omg i gotta do this or go there, i know for a fact i am setting myself up for more stress. but if i start off telling myself oh i have lots of time, listen to my favourite books on tape or calming music in the car and act as if i have lots of time getting there - it makes a HUGE difference.

do you know i hate being home. really i am a ft student and whenever i get the chance i study elsewhere. otherwise all the walls at home are scolding me because i have so much left to do.

[darcytrue]

I wanted to give you a hug too I know how it is right now. I have it tough too. I have a newborn in the house and a teenager and an 8 yr old that I home school. I also work from home so I can't get away and go to work each day - which some days I long to do. I love my children and my life but it's tough. So, no advice here, just wanted to let you know you aren't alone.

[DogwoodFairy]

Be gentle with yourself. You are doing your best. Balancing work/parenting/school/what-have-you is never easy. It sounds like you are giving your all in every area.

I know, I'm there: after being a SAHM, I am now single, and going to school full time, working part time, and trying to juggle it all with a very attached 2 year old in full time daycare. I worry more about his transition process than my own, as of course he has had a bunch of upheaval in the last year, not the least of these divorce, moving twice in a 6 month period, and having to travel 3,000 miles 3X in the last year to visit his father. It is hard. Very hard. And we can only ache so much for the kids. Try not to harbor the guilt. And I agree w/meandmine - if there is one thing in your life that is simply asking too much, or demanding too much - eliminate that aspect if you can.

Mostly just chiming in to say, I feel your frustration, and you are not alone.

[CatsCradle]

Hi That is Nice...haven't seen you around in a while. I responded in a similar thread "How do you do it all", so I won't repeat some of my tips on home managment stuff, but thought I would post some additional thoughts here given your situation.

Maybe I'm wrong, but you sound like a me - a Type A personality who wants to take pride in and succeed at every task and pursuit. It can be a huge emotional burden and can be a huge stressor. It took me twenty years in the workforce and one baby to start standing up for myself. I have found that when you are up-front with people regarding your issues, they are more likely to make concessions when you truly need flexibility or support. As an attorney, I don't travel a lot but I have a lot of commitments and appearances every week that I can't miss. It may sound bizzaro, but I literally keep three calendars (one at work, one in my bag and one at home). I plan way, way ahead...listing every single thing that I have to do either work-related, child-related or home-related. If someone asks me if I can make a meeting on such and such a date, and it conflicts with a DD event or issue, I simply say that I have a conflict and we agree on an alternate date. This is very common in my profession. Most people I work with (including my boss) have or had young children and they tend to understand the difficulties. Some peers and bosses don't understand, but you'll never know until you have a sit-down and discuss. I find that the quality of my work suffers greatly if I'm having a meltdown. If I were a boss, I would want my employees to discuss their issues so that I could at least understand why they are having difficulties. Silence just breeds assumptions.

Like I said in my post in the other thread, the value of planning and simplifying can't be stressed enough. For me, it is simple stuff like running errands only once week (and planning ahead for what type of errands); cleaning only at certain set times; etc.

What has helped me the most is convincing myself that I have two responsibilities: 1) family, and 2) work. All the other stuff (home maintenance; errands; miscellaenous responsibilities) are secondary to my family and work and are treated like teeth brushing (it's gotta be done but it isn't the primary focus of one's life). Maybe teeth brushing is a poor example, but to me it is an example of a recurring task that isn't one's main priority or focus. I don't have a social life and sometimes I wish I could just do more artwork, sew, do home improvements. But that can come later. Right now my focus is limited to succeeding at only two things: family and work. Sometimes there are compromises but I have learned to be demanding enough to mostly get my way and not feel guilty about it. It helps to maintain a great work product. I think I have gotten the flexibility that I wanted in the past because I strived to give my employer the best work product possible under varying circumstances.

I'm sorry, I just rambled on and on...probably about not much...but wanted to give you my perspective. Once you start feeling in control (and that will only happen when you find a method that works for you), you'll find that you are a lot less stressed. Hugs!

[lillacfaerie]

Originally Posted by meandmine

Just a HUG and "me too." I am a single mom after being a sahm for 7 years. I have all the same feelings.

I am currently in "intersession" from school (we are year round) and wonder if I have the courage to go back to the grind. My dds' piano teacher got huffy with me for paying late and when I briefly mentioned my challenges she was completely dismissive (I didn't even mention the divorce, stbx's bankruptcy, etc). She has NO clue.

The only advice I can offer is what I am currently telling myself -- if it/him/her are giving me grief or stress -- chuck it/him/her for now. So, if the piano teacher says one more thing ... I am done; will find another teacher/take a break. If someone expects me to do something I just feel pushes me over the top (camping in a couple of weekends)--I say "oops. I can't pull that off right now." (and that is what I did say).

As for the kids' activities ... breaks my heart. I choose the two special special events a year and I cash in my goodwill at work and take those hours off.

It is really hard if you are a hard worker and have high standards -- me too -- and I love what I do and I get VERY positive feedback which makes me want to give more, BUT ... we can't ... we have to say ... at this point in our lives we need to "put family first." Hard, I know. I am still working on this part.

Feel free to PM ... I know whereof you speak!

M

I can't believe your piano teacher! I teach piano and voice, and I can't imagine being so uptight and unkind. It doesn't sound like her first priority is to educate and instill a love of music in her students. If I were teaching someone in your situation I would waive the tuition for a while.

[BugMacGee]

Me too! (about the whole thread)