Disciplining a child not your own

[Dandelionkid]

So my friend works nights and has her dd5 sleep-over at our house once a month. My dd5 has been friends with her since birth- I knew her mom from work. Anyway, her mom has taken a parenting course recently because her dd is not listening well to her, never has really. She listens really well to me so far, although she is starting to push boundaries a little more as she gets comfortable staying here.
So her mom comes to pick her up. She gives her a warning and lets her play for some time while we visit. Then she says that its time to go. Her dd makes a beeline for our bedroom. I tell her to stay out now because its time to go. She goes ahead and starts jumping on the bed (not a problem normally) and, when I follow her in and tell her she needs to get out, she starts to say that she will not until her mom says please. So after a minute her mom says please (she likely wanted to avoid a big power struggle in front of me) and she gets out.

I feel of two minds. First- I do not want my kids to see me allowing disrespectful behavior from their little friend (not listening to me about room).
Second: I do not want to step on my friends parenting toes.

Next time I will stay out of it, but I was planning to talk to this girl next time she comes and let her know that this is my house and my rules- she needs to listen to me while she is here.

Thoughts (question mark not working)

[Just1More]

Well, I think you need to talk to her mom. It's pretty normal for a child to need to know who is in control when a hand-off from care-giver to parent is happening. It's confusing to them. So, you and mom need to be on the same page. And then tell the little girl...

So, if when Mom walks in the door, does her mom call the shots? (In which case mom needs to agree to enforce your rules on your behalf...playdate style). Or, are you "the boss" until they exit the house? (Then you back mom up and get the little girl out the door. This would mean that it woud be better for you to meet mom at the door, child ready to go.)

Personally, I think it best for Mom to take over, yet enforce your rules, right when she gets there. I'd tell the little girl that. I'd say, "It sure must be confusing what to do when your Mama gets here. I just want you to know that when she gets here, I still love you lots, but she's going to take over looking out for you again, just like if you came over to play and your Mama stayed, too. She knows the rules we have here, though, and she says that we're still going to do things that way even when she gets here. Do you understand how that works? Do you have any questions?"

And then...when the little girl bolts into the bedroom to jump on the bed (okay with you or not), that's her Mama's job. I'd give a little wave and smile to the child, "See you later...I need to go clean up the dishes. Thanks for playing today!" And an "I've-so-been-there" grin to the mama and make my exit for the kitchen. Let them deal with whatever they need to on their own.

If the little girl happens to demand me during the whole ordeal, I may get down on her level and help her through it, but I'd still side with the mama.

[elizawill]

if the mom is there, then i'd stay out of it. even though it's your house - it's their issue. unless your home is being disrespected, i'd leave it between your friend and her dd. make sure your friend feels supported and not judged. it's totally awful for me when my ds has acted up at someone else's house! i know for me, the best thing in that situation, is to have a friend on the sidelines simply understanding and supporting me.

on the night that the child is sleeping over with you & her mom isn't there, then you absolutely have the right to enforce your house rules. i wouldn't call this a discipline issue necessarily, because if she chooses not to listen, then it becomes her mom's problem - not your's. if the issue got very bad, i would not hesitate to call my friend at work.

personally, i would not talk to the mom about any of this beforehand though because you have shared this little girl behaves at your house & only acts up for her mom. by addressing it when an issue doesn't even exist, will most likely make your friend feel insecure and worried about nothing. however, if the little girl begins to have behaviorial issues that are outside of normal 5 year old parameters, then i'd let her mom know things need to be addressed asap.

honestly though, i can't imagine from what you've described her behavior being an issue (since it hasn't been for you thus far). i imagine she will test you. most kids test boundaries, limits, etc. that's normal & to be expected. when my kids have friends over, i still enforce my house rules firmly but kindly. after a few reminders, they know my rules & abide by them. our house rules are consistent and the more they visit, the children become very familiar with me and our home. i haven't had any problems with our house rules being challenged - so i imagine your experience will be the same.

hugs.

[JL83]

I would think that once her mom is there, then her mom is in charge.

Is it possible that her mom doesn't actually want to go? That her mom is enjoying visiting with you and doesn't really care that her DD is dragging things out because then she gets a little bit more adult communication? I know that I do that sometimes. I've very social and especially after work when I've been in my office I just want to hang out.

[Dandelionkid]

Thanks. I will just leave it. Next time I will just get out of the way and let her do it. This is what I appreciate so, really, I should have known better!