Nanny vent...advice welcome! UPDATE POST #13 - Page 3

[Deefodil]

Originally Posted by jl83

wait a minute.

You wouldn't yell if you were crossing the street and a child in your care ran out before you were ready? Taking off your seat belt before the driver says it's ok is that level of dangerous. I think that yelling in fear is an appropriate response.

I do agree that the nanny shouldn't have grabbed her wrist. That was wrong. And there is no defense for that.

But her dd should not have been rude to the nanny. He dd should have apologized for unbuckling.

I think that the op needs to look at how she supports/doesn't support the next nanny. It really sounds (from the 1st post too) like the kids treat the nanny like she has no authority. no one can watch children effectively for any length of time without authority.

ita.

[lillacfaerie]

Originally Posted by JL83

Obviously this nanny wasn't a good fit. She might even be a horrible nanny and a terrible person.

The entire point I was trying to make was that it sounded like, from the information posted, that the OP wasn't providing any support to back up the authority of the nanny.

She says that nanny/kids were calling her multiple times a day. That doesn't happen if the kids know the mom and nanny are on the same page and even if the nanny has different rules the mom will back them up. As someone who's been a nanny that's a big issue. The OP needs to pick someone she trusts to make the decisions while she's at work. I had nannies as a kid and I know there were lots of times when the nanny would say no to something and I knew my parents would have said yes. But I also knew the nanny was in charge so I didn't call up my mom to get the answer I wanted. I also had that situation with 1 parent VS another.

I was only trying to urge the OP to think carefully about undermining a new nanny's authority. That will cause any caregiver relationship to go down hill quickly.

I have to say I agree with you. It doesn't sound like this nanny was a good fit at all, and she shouldn't have grabbed the LO's wrist. But as a former nanny, in Chicago actually, it seems like there are a lot of problems here that are not necessarily the nanny's fault. If you're going to hire a nanny, you must realize that they are going to do things, and react to things differently than you do. A lot of the OP's complaints were towards the nanny's reaction to things. Like that the nanny was overly offended by things. Well, I don't know if that is something that you can easily determine. How can a person control another person's reaction to something? That seems like micromanaging to me. Also, I understand not wanting to drive 25 miles in the Chicago suburbs with little kids in the car. Especialy if the family has a large minivan or SUV. It's scary. It also seems like the nanny was really struggling to get control over the children. Isn't it possible that maybe the children were acting in a defiant manner towards the nanny? Look, I don't think that yelling at children is ever really a good idea. I have NEVER yelled at one of my charges, EVER. But I also am a little surprised that a 4 year old would set her caregiver straight. It just seems like the children didn't look at this nanny as an authority figure. About the police comment...could it be that the nanny was being fasecious with the OP?
I will say though, that after being a nanny I would never hire one myself. I work at night and have friends babysit if I need it, but if I worked during the day, I would choose daycare. I just think it's really, really hard to be an employer. The whole nanny, mommy relationship is tough.

[MtBikeLover]

Originally Posted by JL83

The entire point I was trying to make was that it sounded like, from the information posted, that the OP wasn't providing any support to back up the authority of the nanny..

That could not be further from the truth. I talked to DD numerous times about her behavior (although now I am really doubting everything she ever told me DD did). I told my kids numerous times "nanny is in charge. She might not do everything I do, but as long as she isn't hurting you or asking you to do something that isn't right, then I need you to listen to her and respect her."

I said this many times to the kids with nanny right there.

And if the kids ever called me and asked me something my first response was "What did nanny say?" and then I would ask to speak to nanny to confirm.

[MtBikeLover]

Originally Posted by chfriend

My 4 year old could take her seat belt off without asking permission in a parking space. In fact, it strikes me as a kind of weird dynamic to tell kids they must wait for permission to unbuckle. But then, we are more conversation about stuff people than ask permission to to stuff people.

This is us too.

They were parked in a grocery store parking lot. They were not driving 80 miles an hour on the highway.

[MtBikeLover]

Here's another small update. I had decided to record the day yesterday (nanny had told me numerous times that if I wanted to record her she was fine with it) and here is what I heard on the tape player (the kids weren't home...this is while she was at home and DD was at preschool):

"F*** this sh**"

"F*** me. This is bullsh**"

"F*** this"

I even heard my dog wimper a bit so I pray that she didn't do anything to hurt her. At this point she had turned on the radio so I couldn't really hear much of anything.

And if this is the type of mood she was in before she picked up my DD, it is no wonder that things went horribly wrong in the parking lot at the grocery store.

Also, I took DD to work with me today and she told someone at work that the nanny had taken her coloring book and thrown it out the door in the parking lot.

Anyways....I interviewed a really nice lady today who the kids really liked. DD was all smiley around her and even went up to her and told her she loved her. I have never seen DD take to someone so quickly. I got a great vibe from her and she even gave me a copy of a reference letter that one of her previous charges had written for her.

[MtBikeLover]

Originally Posted by lillacfaerie

I have to say I agree with you. It doesn't sound like this nanny was a good fit at all, and she shouldn't have grabbed the LO's wrist. But as a former nanny, in Chicago actually, it seems like there are a lot of problems here that are not necessarily the nanny's fault. If you're going to hire a nanny, you must realize that they are going to do things, and react to things differently than you do. A lot of the OP's complaints were towards the nanny's reaction to things. Like that the nanny was overly offended by things. Well, I don't know if that is something that you can easily determine. How can a person control another person's reaction to something? That seems like micromanaging to me. Also, I understand not wanting to drive 25 miles in the Chicago suburbs with little kids in the car. Especialy if the family has a large minivan or SUV. It's scary. It also seems like the nanny was really struggling to get control over the children. Isn't it possible that maybe the children were acting in a defiant manner towards the nanny? Look, I don't think that yelling at children is ever really a good idea. I have NEVER yelled at one of my charges, EVER. But I also am a little surprised that a 4 year old would set her caregiver straight. It just seems like the children didn't look at this nanny as an authority figure. About the police comment...could it be that the nanny was being fasecious with the OP?
I will say though, that after being a nanny I would never hire one myself. I work at night and have friends babysit if I need it, but if I worked during the day, I would choose daycare. I just think it's really, really hard to be an employer. The whole nanny, mommy relationship is tough.

There are a lot of assumptions in this post. It was her car...not a large SUV or minivan. Plus, it is important to me that my kids go places that are more than 2 miles from home. We are an on-the-go type of family and I didn't want that to change. I specifically requested this in the interview and she told me she had no trouble with this and loved going to the museum.

And I didn't understand the comment about "a 4 year old setting her caregiver straight". Where did that assumption come from? Was that because my DD told the nanny not to yell at her? If so, that is something that we teach our kids. No one is allowed to yell at you and talk disrespectful to you. If someone talks that way to you (including me) you have every right to tell them not to talk to you that way.

DD has told me a few times that she doesn't like the way I was talking to her and you know what...she was right. I wasn't talking to her in a way that was respectful and I apologized to her.

ETA: and before anyone thinks she didn't want to drive because it was her gas, I always reimbursed her for gas whenever she took the kids anywhere.

[Momtwice]

I'm glad she's gone because in a short time, the nanny told you she was having trouble controlling the urge to not use physical force, ("she told me "I was proud of myself. I didn't lay a finger on her." )

and then she DID use physical force. The nanny told you she pushed the child, and the child told you the nanny hurt her wrist.

So all the other issues aside, this is the biggest one for me.

[Caneel]

Originally Posted by MtBikeLover

3. She seems to get irritated when I ask her to do or not do certain things with the kids. We use a journal to communicate to each other, and today I asked her not to let the kids watch TV and not to do junk food since they had just had plenty of that at their dad's house over the weekend. She seemed really irritated.

The bold alone would be enough of a flag for me. I get irritated all the time at work but I have the emotional maturity/self control not to project on to employees or customers.

Sounds like she was lacking in the self-control/maturity department.

[mammastar2]

Originally Posted by Momtwice

I'm glad she's gone because in a short time, the nanny told you she was having trouble controlling the urge to not use physical force, ("she told me "I was proud of myself. I didn't lay a finger on her." )

and then she DID use physical force. The nanny told you she pushed the child, and the child told you the nanny hurt her wrist.

So all the other issues aside, this is the biggest one for me.

I agree completely. Combine this with the comments you heard when you recorded her, and it sounds like she was very much on edge, and had been deceptive about what she was capable of and comfortable with when you interviewed her. I'm glad that your daughter still has the expectation that caregivers should not yell or hurt her, which led her to tell you what had happened.

[lillacfaerie]

look, that nanny was not good at all! It's a good thing she's gone. I don't mean to make assumptions about your vehicle either. I figured that the nanny would drive your car because of booster seats and everything. And a lot of families have SUVs or minivans. When I nannied in the northern suburbs I was terrified of driving with my charges. I'm a public transit kind of person. I think it's great that you raise your children to stand up for themselves. Good for you. I hope your new nanny is great!

[Dandelionkid]

Originally Posted by MtBikeLover

And I didn't understand the comment about "a 4 year old setting her caregiver straight". Where did that assumption come from? Was that because my DD told the nanny not to yell at her? If so, that is something that we teach our kids. No one is allowed to yell at you and talk disrespectful to you. If someone talks that way to you (including me) you have every right to tell them not to talk to you that way.

DD has told me a few times that she doesn't like the way I was talking to her and you know what...she was right. I wasn't talking to her in a way that was respectful and I apologized to her.

I totally agree. In fact, I was very impressed with your dd for telling the nanny not to talk to her that way. I figured you must treat your dd with a lot of respect for her to have the self-confidence to let an adult know that they cannot talk to her that way. That is a skill that will come in handy again and again throughout her life. I would hope that if someone yelled at my dd (including me or dh) that she would be able to stand up for herself the same way.