Would this work?: Keeping Gender a Secret

[MaterPrimaePuellae]

Okay, so. I'm suspecting boy. This would be a bit of a disappointment, but I'm okay (i I can ever come up with a boy name, which seems unlikely at this point)

Back to the point. A small (but, at the moment, significant-feeling) portion of my boy anxiety has to do with all the madness surrounding baby boy stuff-- (all clothing sports themed, blue everything, etc.) I just hate it. I will not put anything sports/vehicle/fireman themed on my child. Even if I can come to terms with "i am having a boy," having to pull out five little soccer onesies in front of 30 cooing women..... let's just say, I have a hard time controlling my emotions/facial expressions at the best of times.

Even if I am having a girl, I need NO girl clothes and would want gender neutral things, anyway. So I had this idea when I saw sehbub's post about finding out the gender at her baby shower.

Do you think it would work to find out the gender, tell our immediate families (because they will HOUND us if we don't tell them!), and then tell no one else until an announcement at the baby shower? or we could do a colored cake or something?

Because THEN, all the gifts would have to be gender neutral, so there would be almost no clothes, I could get diapers and breast pads and useful things, and it could all be framed in a fun, "find out the surprise at the shower" event.

Thoughts?

ps-- if I make this decision before the anatomy scan, and tell people so, they will have no reason to think my decision has to do with the actual gender of the baby, it seems to me (?)

[GreenTeaGinger61]

Sounds like a good idea to me. With my last pregnancy, I only had a work shower and when everyone asked me what we wanted, I told them we had plenty of clothes. I listed useful things but made a big point that we would love food: gift certificates to grocery stores and take out places. No not fun but it's what we needed and I didn't feel obligated to coo over clothes I hated;P

But anyway...the shower idea sounds good if your immediate family can keep a secret There is no way mine could.

[MaterPrimaePuellae]

Originally Posted by GreenTeaGinger61

But anyway...the shower idea sounds good if your immediate family can keep a secret There is no way mine could.

The good thing is that, even if someone let the secret slip, they would have to pretend they don't know and buy us gender-neutral things anyway.

Actually, the more I think about it, the more the "cake reveal" sounds like fun.

[GreenTeaGinger61]

LOL! And true...never mess with the pregnant woman!

I think the cake idea sounds awesome. If we were having a shower I'd do it, I think. Adds a lot more fun to the whole occassion.

[shantiani]

Yeah, I think that's a great idea.

And I totally hear you on the cheesy fireman type stuff, but seriously... look at this and tell me boy clothes can't be cute enough to eat:
http://www.gap.com/browse/outfit.do?...0&oid=OUT16211
http://www.bootylandkids.com/index.p...&productId=342

[Peace+Hope]

haha, i guess since you really don't mind if they leak. my immediate family would do well with that, but not my husband's!

if you are doing a reveal, maybe the whole theme could be around that, and therefore asking specifically for neutral things would be a little easier to emphasize?

sounds like fun!

[ann_of_loxley]

Depends on how vocal your immediate family is hehe. If they wont spill the beans, then why not!
Theres a lot of boy stuff I hate - and theres a lot of girl stuff I hate. It feels you can't win not matter what sex baby you end up having tbh. So I know the feeling! hehe

[NoraFlood]

I think it's a really fun idea!

[MaterPrimaePuellae]

Shantiani, that Gap outfit is *adorable*. I know there is plenty of boy stuff that is cute-- I *love* stripes and cargo pants and dark colors, so there's plenty of potential! There's is just no way to express (with any degree of clarity or politeness) my preferences on a shower invitation.

I want to clarify that I really appreciate the love and thoughftulness expressed by even the most grievously-soccer-ball-covered outfit. It's the waste that upsets me and the spectacle of opening all of it.

[OneWithTwo]

man I wish me not wanting a boy had to do with clothing.....

[Carita]

my fam didn't find out until the shower - i didn't know either. there is no way they or I could keep a secret...

i vote you and dh find out, but tell everyone you don't know and are waiting for the shower.

oh you say now no boy stuff, but my toddler most days will only wear something that has wheels or roars... LOL... it's somehow born in him

[leavemealone]

I think it depends on how well your family could keep it a secret. You could just not have anyone find out and give an envelope to the person making the cake. Then, everyone would find out at the same time. I guess the drawback would be if you could keep emotions in check if it is a boy. If I felt strongly one way or the other, I'd want to find out in private and not at a baby shower.

I know my DH couldn't keep it a secret so I just outright reject the possibility of finding out the sex before birth. He's even said he has a big mouth (his words, not mine) and couldn't keep it to himself so it's not just me who thinks that. Personally, I like it that way, but I know it's not for everyone.

[MaterPrimaePuellae]

Originally Posted by erickalynne

man I wish me not wanting a boy had to do with clothing.....

Ericka, it's really not about the clothing for me, either, but the clothing is one issue I can actually deal with, and it's one first, concrete step I can take to say, "thanks, society, I'll make my own decisions about my son, please."

There's not much I can do about the fact that in 15 years I'll have a teenage boy.

[OneWithTwo]

Originally Posted by MaterPrimaePuellae

Ericka, it's really not about the clothing for me, either, but the clothing is one issue I can actually deal with, and it's one first, concrete step I can take to say, "thanks, society, I'll make my own decisions about my son, please."

There's not much I can do about the fact that in 15 years I'll have a teenage boy.

My problem is not 15years from now

everywhere I go I see little boys and they are loud...I want to say to the mom her kid needs a spanking and I don't even BELIEVE in spankings!
yesterday at my appt, there were two women there who had little boys. One had to be 1-2 and the other was three.
The one was eating crackers and yuck...they were EVERYWHERE. He had them on his clothes, floor, seat, his mom. yuck. Then they started chasing eachother around wrestling, being loud, screaming....I was about to SCREAM and lose it. The moms were joking around how boys have no patience and get bored....that would drive me INSANE..Campbell not only sat there very quietly, she sat through my exam quietly.

Oh and the Dr yesterday said he thinks it's a girl...I wish they would make up their damn minds and quit playing with my emotions.

and about clothing....I swore I would never let C wear some things and she is getting old enough to the point she wants to help pick out clothes and wants those are we she wants. I try to have taste about it...boys like cars, monsters, bugs, trucks....

[smeisnotapirate]

Ericka, you should meet my DS - he's the quietest, most sensitive boy ever. I think you girl-moms would like him.

I think it's very easy to keep gender. We didn't find out with DS, and got some great stuff.

Also, remember that you have a women/children domestic violence shelter in your area that would love anything you don't want from your shower. So to put a positive spin on getting stuff you hate - at least the women at the DV shelter will love it and you don't have to keep it! That's what I did with all the toys I hated, and they were so grateful.

[Amandamanda]

*sigh i want a boy so badly..

[sehbub]

Obviously I think waiting 'til the shower is a fabulous idea.



Sorry to hijack:
As a mom of 3 girls and 1 boy, my son is the child with whom I'm most closely bonded. He's so deeply a part of me that it surprised me immensely. I can't imagine my world without my son.

And coming from 3 girls, I was TERRIFIED to raise a boy, especially having been a rape victim. They're really not bad, I promise. Not all boys are loud, obnoxious, disgusting creatures. My son can be, for sure, but my daughters can as well, most of the time more so than my son. My son though...there's something about him that is so much kinder, and gentler and more empathetic than any of my girls. He's done a lot to heal my soul in a lot of ways.

I think it just breaks my heart to see women say they're terrified to have a boy or girl because they saw/heard/read/whathaveyou. Kids are all so different and special in their own right, that saying you want or don't want one over the other (vehemently, not "oh it would be nice to have a...") makes me so sad.

This isn't meant as an attack by any means, just more as a way of pointing out that not all boys or girls fit in to molds we have in our minds. I completely understand being used to raising one gender and wanting to stick with what you know. At the same time though, I found myself resenting my child and doubting my ability to love him before he was even born, and I don't want any of you to deal with that pain.

Sorry. Off my soapbox.

[MaterPrimaePuellae]

haha, I think all my posts until the gender ultrasound are going to turn into this kind of discussion.

Sehbub and Sme, thanks-- it's very reassuring to read things like that. My problem is that I *do* know plenty of sweet, caring little boys. In the years that I taught on the college level, though, I had at least 30 female students I would have been proud to have as daughters... and only 1 (totally awesome) male student I would have been proud to have as a son. He was probably my favorite student ever. If I think of having a son like him I think, "Wow, if only!" But the odds don't feel great, I guess.

Also, I grew up with brothers and my in-laws have only boys, so it's not like I'm just forming opinions based on strangers at the park. I have spent a LOT of time around boys, particularly of the adolescent variety, and frankly, it already feels like enough for a lifetime.

At the same time, I have to say, Ericka, that my darling, beloved, incredibly sweet and nurturing daughter is one of the messiest creatures I know. It drives me nuts, and the worst part is that she totally gets it from me. We are a messy, messy pair.

ETA: I know to some all of these feelings must seem just awful-- but I don't get to talk much about them in real life, and a lot of this is venting. I really, really appreciate your understanding.

[rolenta]

Well, I have a boy and a girl and I want another girl. Not that there's anything wrong with my son, I dunno... I just want a girl. No real reason. But, I could go either way.

My son is a pretty typical boy. He likes car crashes, super heroes, and whacking things with a hockey stick. He's really not that bad, though. He's not any worse behaved than DD, it's just that she does different things. Whereas he is inclined to throw things or use one thing to whack another thing, DD is more likely to scream bloody murder or climb repeatedly out of a shopping cart or bite me.

Of course, that's just my kids.

And, on the other hand, you do just kind of let them like whatever they like eventually.

[Carita]

Ahhh - deleted whole long post - crap!

Mater - My classes have always been 50/50 split men and women at the top of the class. I have met some great guy students - one lived with his grandmother and helped take care of her.

Rolenta - ITA with you. You just trade one set of attributes for another, whether boy or girl or 1st kid or last kind.

In general I think generalizations are just generalizations and will not be predictive of actual outcomes. Its not just X and Y that goes into making an entire personality.

Specifically, I look at how different my younger sister is from my DH's younger sister. They are about a year apart in age, but about 10 years apart in mental age. Mine is not a risk taker, very good at making friends, Berkley grad, makes on wrong turns in her life. His is a bi-polar single mom to 2 kids with different fathers and living off the state. If this is a girl, please let it be like the first, and not the second!!!