Need advice from experienced mamas

[StoriesInTheSoil]

My toddler throws food every time it's in front of him almost. He also throws just about everything else (hard), occasionally hits (not trying to hurt), runs away from me (he's afraid of NOTHING) and gets into everything. I understand that these are things that toddlers do but what I'm wondering is, how should I be approaching these things? Is there some form of guidance/"discipline" I should be using with a 14.5 month old? Is there something I need to read? I am feeling lost.

I don't want to be blinded by my unconditional love for my child and end up with a "bratty" child- does that make sense? Gosh I feel like that sounds horrible. I was very traditionally disciplined so this is all new to me. What do I do when he hits the cat? My dad says "NO" sternly to him when we're over there and he hits a cat or pulls drawers out or runs away but DS just laughs so it doesn't seem to be logical.

He seems too young for "discipline" to me... but what is too young and what is the right age?

Please please sage mamas that have gone before me, give me some guidance.

[AbbieB]

Your right, all of the thing you mentioned are just what toddlers do.

On the food throwing. DS did/does this when there is to much in front of him. At first he could only handle on or 2 items at a time. Gradually he has worked up to being able to have a small portion of food and a cup in front of him. He still likes to dump things out of bowl, but he's getting better at managing that too if I only put a few items in there at a time and I supervise.

He definitely starts tossing food and cups when he is done and I'm to slow to respond to his done sign. He's getting better here too, but it still happens.

As far as getting into everything, I prefer to make the space fit the child. I just remove anything that I don't want him to rummage through or I don't want to have to clean up for the 100th time today. For a few months our bottom shelves were pretty empty and the unlocked cabinets had only baby safe stuff in them. Slowly we have been able to add more things to the shelves and he leaves it alone. I also make sure all of his favorite spots have something of his to play with too. that way he goes for the fun toy 7 times out of 10 rather than pulling all of my books off the shelf.

[Mama2 '05'06]

For things like hitting the cat or other people, you can say "We touch the kitty (person) gently! Like this!" and demonstrate using his hand to do it gently. At this age, they just think "NO" is a game. If he's running away when you call, then you're not close enough to him when you call. You have to be close enough to take hold of him as soon as you say "Come here ---" and lead him to you. At 14.5mo, most kids don't know what "come" means, some don't even get it at 2 unless you worked to teach them by gently leading them to you whenever you say "come". For me the "come" is a big deal b/c in an emergency it could be a life and death thing- as in when an older child lets them out of the house/car/etc. But that said, my almost 2yo still will run the other way if he doesn't like what I'm asking- Like saying "Ok, its time to go now. Come here!" when he's been having a blast in the sandbox or at the park or when he really wants something that I'd said we'll do, a walk for instance, and I'm not coming fast enough.
For getting into things, if you don't want it played with either put it where he can't get it or lock it up. Its gonna happen otherwise. For some things you can distract him with "Hey! Look at this neat toy!" or a fun chase game. But getting into stuff is a child's life.

[StoriesInTheSoil]

Originally Posted by AbbieB

Your right, all of the thing you mentioned are just what toddlers do.

On the food throwing. DS did/does this when there is to much in front of him. At first he could only handle on or 2 items at a time. Gradually he has worked up to being able to have a small portion of food and a cup in front of him. He still likes to dump things out of bowl, but he's getting better at managing that too if I only put a few items in there at a time and I supervise.

He definitely starts tossing food and cups when he is done and I'm to slow to respond to his done sign. He's getting better here too, but it still happens.

As far as getting into everything, I prefer to make the space fit the child. I just remove anything that I don't want him to rummage through or I don't want to have to clean up for the 100th time today. For a few months our bottom shelves were pretty empty and the unlocked cabinets had only baby safe stuff in them. Slowly we have been able to add more things to the shelves and he leaves it alone. I also make sure all of his favorite spots have something of his to play with too. that way he goes for the fun toy 7 times out of 10 rather than pulling all of my books off the shelf.

Thank you! So what are your DS' signals that he's finished eating before he starts throwing? I think I'm starting to pick up on when DS is done but he hasn't been doing solids for long at all and he still just barely eats so I haven't had a lot of opportunity to pick up on this.

Originally Posted by Mama2 '05'06

For things like hitting the cat or other people, you can say "We touch the kitty (person) gently! Like this!" and demonstrate using his hand to do it gently. At this age, they just think "NO" is a game. If he's running away when you call, then you're not close enough to him when you call. You have to be close enough to take hold of him as soon as you say "Come here ---" and lead him to you. At 14.5mo, most kids don't know what "come" means, some don't even get it at 2 unless you worked to teach them by gently leading them to you whenever you say "come". For me the "come" is a big deal b/c in an emergency it could be a life and death thing- as in when an older child lets them out of the house/car/etc. But that said, my almost 2yo still will run the other way if he doesn't like what I'm asking- Like saying "Ok, its time to go now. Come here!" when he's been having a blast in the sandbox or at the park or when he really wants something that I'd said we'll do, a walk for instance, and I'm not coming fast enough.
For getting into things, if you don't want it played with either put it where he can't get it or lock it up. Its gonna happen otherwise. For some things you can distract him with "Hey! Look at this neat toy!" or a fun chase game. But getting into stuff is a child's life.

That is good advice, being closer to him when I say "come."


So how do I balance being close enough to intervene with "gentle" demonstrations and redirecting to safe places and activities with not hovering too much. DS seems to be a real explorer. He is really fearless so how do I keep tabs on him without stifling that. Make sense?

[Bird Girl]

At this age, you have to be careful for him--he will not show any sense of boundaries. Take him to a fenced playground or park and let him run wild--and then hold his hand tightly the rest of the time, or keep him in the carrier or stroller, or put a leash on him--you can get backpack leashes with a little harness that are cute and less like a dog leash. At this age, you have to create the environment that keeps him safe and lets him be successful; you cannot expect him to "choose" to behave, because he lacks the impulse control or foresight.

I know that plenty of people do not like leashes for kids, but frankly, if he won't ride in the carrier or the stroller, he may not be that comfortable with his hand held high above his head for block after block. Some kids prefer the "freedom" of the leash to constantly holding hands or being strapped in the carrier or stroller.

[Xerxella]

Just my 2 cents, I've had more success teaching stop than come. "Stop" done seldom and said sharply has an immediate effect of stopping the behavior at least for a few seconds. I use it very seldomly and it's the only time I raise my voice. I use it mostly around traffic, i.e. extreme safety situations.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by Mama2 '05'06

For things like hitting the cat or other people, you can say "We touch the kitty (person) gently! Like this!" and demonstrate using his hand to do it gently. At this age, they just think "NO" is a game.

This is what we've done with our cats and DC. Saying "no" is useless because they want to interact with the animals but don't know how. He needs to be shown (repeatedly) how to pet the cat. With DD, we actually had to take her hand in ours and demonstrate petting because she would get too excited and start "patting" the cat which turned into hitting.

[ZTMOM]

There is a book called "Hands are not for hitting" by Martine Agassi that I think is great. I try really hard to say what I want & to demonstrate it, for example I'll say "gentle hands" or "gentle" and pet the cat.

Where is the book on "Books/wooden blocks/trucks are not for throwing", right?! With those things I say, "books are for reading, do you want to read?", "blocks are for building, let's make a tower", "trucks are for rolling on the ground" ... even though my husband cringes about his precious TV, we have a "balls are for throwing" even in the house policy.

For sure, after the 500th time in one morning of trying to redirect him I have been known to let out a very stern "NO" ... at which point I realize I had better stop whatever it is I think needs to be done so I can get this little guy some serious exercise. If dad is home ... it's time to wrestle. If not, we need to get outside somewhere he can run, tumble, climb, etc.

The throwing food is normal. For me, I really don't like the mess, so I always try to catch his cues before the food flies that he's not hungry & end meal time then. Some people put down a sheet & let them play.

My son is into everything, too. We've had to really adjust our expectations of what can be accomplished in a day, for sure. Loading the dishwasher takes forever and is an incredibly dangerous time at our house because that is his chance to do xyz that Mom won't let him do. For example, he'll try to climb over the baby gate ... and he's so intensely focused on his task at hand that I'm pretty sure he doesn't even hear me say "no" or "danger" or "oh no, that give owies". In that case, I just have to physically remove him from the situation.

My husband does a very loud & stern "NO" which gets a fear response for sure, but I think it's because he's not around much & I really don't think it's a very good long term solution. If he's ever around for some time on a week-end, he sees that his "NO" really doesn't get much response after a few times.

Just because they understand "no" doesn't mean they're able to restrain themselves at this age. You are really right about him being too young. It's a very challenging time, but it's also an incredibly short time.

I have an older friend who has a daredevil son, all grown up. She says, wait until he starts driving, which helps my perspective.

Our daughter got "no" & had a strong sense of empathy very young. Our son is a different person. At 18 months it's hard to say for sure, but he strikes me as the kind of kid that may need a little extra help to learn empathy.

I think joining a parent group (we have Early Childhood Family Education here) that explores different personalities & appropriate developmental behaviors has been the best thing I've done for myself!

[StoriesInTheSoil]

Originally Posted by ZTMOM

There is a book called "Hands are not for hitting" by Martine Agassi that I think is great. I try really hard to say what I want & to demonstrate it, for example I'll say "gentle hands" or "gentle" and pet the cat.

Where is the book on "Books/wooden blocks/trucks are not for throwing", right?! With those things I say, "books are for reading, do you want to read?", "blocks are for building, let's make a tower", "trucks are for rolling on the ground" ... even though my husband cringes about his precious TV, we have a "balls are for throwing" even in the house policy.

For sure, after the 500th time in one morning of trying to redirect him I have been known to let out a very stern "NO" ... at which point I realize I had better stop whatever it is I think needs to be done so I can get this little guy some serious exercise. If dad is home ... it's time to wrestle. If not, we need to get outside somewhere he can run, tumble, climb, etc.

The throwing food is normal. For me, I really don't like the mess, so I always try to catch his cues before the food flies that he's not hungry & end meal time then. Some people put down a sheet & let them play.

My son is into everything, too. We've had to really adjust our expectations of what can be accomplished in a day, for sure. Loading the dishwasher takes forever and is an incredibly dangerous time at our house because that is his chance to do xyz that Mom won't let him do. For example, he'll try to climb over the baby gate ... and he's so intensely focused on his task at hand that I'm pretty sure he doesn't even hear me say "no" or "danger" or "oh no, that give owies". In that case, I just have to physically remove him from the situation.

My husband does a very loud & stern "NO" which gets a fear response for sure, but I think it's because he's not around much & I really don't think it's a very good long term solution. If he's ever around for some time on a week-end, he sees that his "NO" really doesn't get much response after a few times.

Just because they understand "no" doesn't mean they're able to restrain themselves at this age. You are really right about him being too young. It's a very challenging time, but it's also an incredibly short time.

I have an older friend who has a daredevil son, all grown up. She says, wait until he starts driving, which helps my perspective.

Our daughter got "no" & had a strong sense of empathy very young. Our son is a different person. At 18 months it's hard to say for sure, but he strikes me as the kind of kid that may need a little extra help to learn empathy.

I think joining a parent group (we have Early Childhood Family Education here) that explores different personalities & appropriate developmental behaviors has been the best thing I've done for myself!

Great advice mama! Thank you! Where do you think I would find a parent group like that?

[Just1More]

I haven't read the responses, but I work really hard to set my kids up for success. So, that means trying not to put them in situations that are going to make it hard for them to do "the right thing". So, I don't ask them to "come here" unless I'm sure I can get them right away if they don't. Otherwise, I just go over and get them without asking first. If they can't handle much food at once, I only give them a little bit at a time. Hitting the cat? I don't let them down near the cat unless I am right there. By 17 months I could tell my (highly verbal dd) that if she wasn't nice to the dogs I'd have to put them away. I couldn't let her hurt them. She understood that and was much gentler.

That was a really quick answer, but hth some.