Getting over the fact that "life isn't always fair, while trying to find/keep faith.

[Vermillion]

2 years ago I felt like I was really getting somewhere in a spiritual sense. I really felt like I was on the right path. Then we got pregnant easily with a much wanted baby, and then we lost her at 17 weeks. That totally knocked the wind out of me and I just gave up on things for quite a while and put my focus into just getting by. Now I’m feeling ready to jump back in at where I left off, with this as a major life event that I can hopefully find something positive from. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?

Anyway, here is something I have struggled with, and still do to this day, and it is I feel like a hindrance in my spiritual journey, so I’m trying hard to overcome it so I can fully heal and move forward.

Something that really affects me in a negative way is that I see unwanted kids EVERYWHERE. I see people having child after child after child, effortlessly & unplanned. I see kids who are treated badly, I see parents who don’t seem to care. I get frustrated, and jealous, and I find myself judging harshly and asking myself “What makes them deserving when they don’t even care and here I am, with so much room in my heart for another child, yet I lost mine and now I’m dealing with fertility issues?”

Why are some people “blessed” why others seem to struggle so much? Why do some people seem to get all the breaks, while others never seem to get what they want?

Because life sometimes isn’t fair! Sometimes things don’t work out the way we would like them to. Bad things happen to good people. God/The Universe/insert deity here has other plans for us, even if we can't see things clearly yet...

The answer seems pretty simple and straight forward to me, but I’m still curious to hear everyone else’s thoughts on this. I love the little nuggets of wisdom that I’ve gained from these forums so I guess that’s what I’m looking for here.

BTW- I’m interested in hearing from anyone and everyone, all different types of beliefs are welcome and appreciated!

[lilyka]

The way I see it is we are all on our journey to salvation. And we all need what we need to refine us and shape us along that journeThings that bring us to our knees before God and remind us that we are not here to get things or relax and enjoy the view. but we are hear to do a very important work and to grow closer to him and to shape our souls. For some people having kids (or whatever) does that most effectively and for other not having them (or whatever) will work in them what god wants to see in their hearts. I agree it sucks when it looks like someone gets something so easy and has such an easy time of it and we are left to struggle regardless of what desires that leaves unfulfilled ior filled but with strings attatched. But I know that deep down that I am not here to have my desires but that Gods desires might be worked through me. And I can rejoice that my struggles have left me that much closer to Him.

[my-j-angel]

Sadly, our stories are similar. I'm not sure what to tell you b/c I struggle with the same thing. Personally, I try my best to be thankful for what I do have, the 2 boys I have on Earth. I trust God is in control and if it's His will, we will have another child. I also find peace that one day I will be with my babies in Heaven.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

[JTA Mom]

First off, I am so sorry for your loss.

I've btdt.

My advice? Stop focusing on the 'undeserving' parents. Seriously, we find what we want to find. When I lost Joseph, I kept 'finding' women who were around my gestation (or would be gestation, a few months after the loss). It wasn't that there was a sudden explosion of them, just that I was hyper aware of them and picked them out BECAUSE I was focused on them.

Yes, there are lots of unwanted children in this world. There are also lots of wanted children. It's a false analogy that people who mistreat children have tons whereas those who would treat them well, don't. It's not true in a general pattern. Unless you believe that the majority of people who have kids mistreat them/don't want them. I fell into the same trap after losing Joseph. And it wasn't healthy. It sets up a dichotomy in your mind: I'm a good person therefore I CAN'T have kids, kwim?

Also, a lot of instances of 'bad' parenting are not because parents don't want their children. The mom could be having a bad day, a family member might be dying, they are undergoing a family financial melt-down, etc etc etc. There's lots of reasons why a mom might snap at her children, why the kids will be running around crazy while mom or dad are zombie-fied, etc.

I don't know why God took our children. I can't answer that. I don't think he did it to punish us because we would care for and about them though. For me, personally, losing Joseph made me MUCH more sensitive to the issue of child loss, something that's swept under the rug here. It's also made me much more empathetic with loss in and of itself. I used to be freaked out by death and dying, and therefore, not really 'there' for those going through it, kwim? Having btdt, I'm different now. It's also made me a MUCH different mother to my second child who I got to keep. I'm much more patient than I would have been. I *know* exactly how precious he truly is. How precious EVERY child is.

Gah, I've written a book! To sum everything up quickly, I looked for a reason for losing Joseph that had nothing to do with being a good vs bad parent. Maybe his loss was to draw dh and I closer together. Maybe his loss was to show us how we can't take anyone or anything for granted, and to enjoy the ride instead of focusing on the destination, because who knows if you'll get to the destination.

Ami

[JTA Mom]

Ack, I hope I didn't kill this thread, or come off too harsh. I've been in that dark place where I believed that and honestly, it hurt me more than helped me. I just didn't want you to be 'stuck' there like I was.

Ami

[aweynsayl]

first of all, huge hugs. second, and this may not be your cup of tea at all, but well, i just posted something about a technique that really helped me when i was in a vaguely similar place. it's "energy therapy" and it's maybe sort of foofy, but it's based on the idea that physical and emotional events leave energy stuck in our bodies, and that if we can release that energy it can help us to "get over" it. in one sense, you cant possibly "get over it" if it's still in your body.... it's of course not really that simple, but i know for me when i was at the place of feeling like i was never going to get past it, it really helped me get that feeling that i could "get over it"........ again, huge hugs, and healing vibes.

[Vermillion]

Originally Posted by JTA Mom

Ack, I hope I didn't kill this thread, or come off too harsh.

Not at all! Your post was actually totally right on!

It is really easy to get stuck in this place, and I have been stuck for a while but I am so ready to move forward and this is one big thing weighing me down.

Everything here so far has really been so helpful! Lots to think about and some good ideas to help me move past this.

[Vermillion]

Originally Posted by aweynsayl

first of all, huge hugs. second, and this may not be your cup of tea at all, but well, i just posted something about a technique that really helped me when i was in a vaguely similar place. it's "energy therapy" and it's maybe sort of foofy, but it's based on the idea that physical and emotional events leave energy stuck in our bodies, and that if we can release that energy it can help us to "get over" it. in one sense, you cant possibly "get over it" if it's still in your body.... it's of course not really that simple, but i know for me when i was at the place of feeling like i was never going to get past it, it really helped me get that feeling that i could "get over it"........ again, huge hugs, and healing vibes.

Totally my cup of tea! Off to read more

[Krisis]

Thank you for posting, JTAMom.

I know exactly how you feel Vermillion. Due to health problems, I can't have any more children. We found out in February and this year has been a constant struggle between the sterilization surgeries and the friends getting pregnant/having babies and DAH. It's so hard. I think I will be saving JTAMom's advice on my computer to read when it gets bad.

[ihugtrees]

I struggle with these same thoughts. I grew up in a VERY conservative, Christian home. I voluntarily attended a Christian high school, then chose a Pentacostal Bible College. I was extremely devoted to my faith. A series of things happened to me...first, I fell in love. I ended up moving in with my then-fiance despite believing sex before marriage was wrong, and while living with him, discovered that he was abusive. He attempted to kill me, and this killed a lot of my naivety (and faith in people.) Later, I was raped by someone I considered a brother--a family friend who had been a confidante for almost a decade. And after this, I fell in love again, got pregnant...was totally shocked, but so excited! I had a miscarriage in the first trimester, and it totally shattered me. I had to question, why do things like this happen? SO many well meaning people in my life, both Christian or not, said "Well, it just wasn't meant to be" or "God has something else in mind for you" or "sometimes bad things happen to bring us closer to God." And yet, the one and only time I had sex after that, which seemed like such a sign to me--I got pregnant again--the baby that is my sweet, 5 month old little girl. What was a difference of a few months? Couldn't I have just gotten pregnant, had a smooth pregnancy, and my little girl, without having something horrible, painful, and disturbing like a miscarriage happen to me? I don't know how to have faith now...in people, in the world...I am trying, and day to day I do all right. But when people say that things like that happen to "bring us to our knees" or remind us that we are just tiny little ants here for God to step on when he feels like it, it makes me sick. What's so wrong about loving a little person you've never met?! Was I too happy? Did I need to be put in my place or something? And how cruel is that...that God (or whoever) wanted to 'bring me closer' by causing me to suffer?

A Christian friend claimed she had a vision of the baby we lost, and that it was a boy, and that God 'told her' that 'it was okay, because we would see him again.' Maybe that would be comforting to some. To me, it was downright creepy. I very much believed in God and that he gave visions and spoke to people before, and so part of me believes what she said...and it makes me sick. Why would a kind, loving Being torture me that way? What kind of merciful deity does that?

Because of all of these thoughts, I don't consider myself a Christian anymore. I suppose I am an agnostic now, but I want to explore other ways of thinking, too.

Okay, I'm sorry to be so negative and emotional. I just wanted you to know that I know what you mean (sort of. I feel like my loss was minimal compared to some of the other losses in this thread). I'm so sorry for your loss, and I wish you peace and healing.

[goldfinches]

I've had many years to contemplate your question. I went through infertility for 5 years before having a live baby, and 2 miscariages. I am friends with a girl who was pregnant at 17, didn't keep her baby, gave him to her mom to raise, all while I was going through the pain of trying to get one of my own. Since those years, I'm still dealing with infertility, other health issues, and other family issues. Right now, we're facing a potential 3rd church, (my dh is a pastor), deciding that although we're doing a great job, it's time for us to move on. I am devestated that this may happen. I can't understand how we can be doing our best for God, seeing our ministry grow and reach people, but at the same time, seem to be punished. While a lying, cheating, coniving other person at the church may be able to keep her job. Just because people feel sorry for her, they've known her longer, etc. How can this be fair?

My answer, that I don't like, but I do believe is true is, We're being used for a greater purpose. Groomed for something in the future, something great! All those years of infertility, loss, etc. All that pain, but now, I have two beautiful girls who I love so much more than I can imagine. I don't think I would love them and appreciate them nearly as much if I hadn't gone through all I did to get them.

The pain of losing your baby is unbearable most of the time, I'm sure. I remember thinking of my first loss and breaking down, having to leave those around me in a hurry. The pain never goes away, it dulls, but it's always there. I hope it makes me a better mother. When I am ready to yell at my girls, I think of how lucky I am to have them and it makes me stop and change right away.

I guess I'm just rambling, but it's not a simple answer, huh?

[woodchick]

My SIL, who has been dealing with infertility for 6 or 7 years, has an amazing faith. She said to me recently, "I don't know why this is happening to us, but I do know that God has been known to close and open wombs for his purpose and his glory."

She has found some peace in the stories of Sarah and Abraham and Mary and Joseph- Women who had divine intervention when it came to reproducing.

I can't speak from personal experience but I wanted to pass along my SIL's words.

[ihugtrees]

I'm not the OP, but wanted to reply.

I wish those words comforted me. Instead, I find myself thinking, again, that God is causing people to suffer for his own ends. I don't understand how that's kind, loving, or just. I also don't understand how any of our babies dying could bring him glory any way.

I wish I understood it, I really do. But I just don't. I'm not saying this in an angry or even opinionated way, but in sort of a sad resignation.

Thank you for sharing any way.

[cappuccinosmom]

Liz

I have been thinking about this thread. We just lost a baby, the second one this year.

There are so many things that make this seem terribly unfair. And there is just nothing to be said that makes the pain of this loss any less. It hurts.

Someday I would like to put all of my thoughts together coherantly.

Right now, what I think of mostly is that little Bible verse that says something to the effect of: God sends the rain to water the crops of both the righteous and the unrighteous.

Both blessing and losses are part of life on earth, not always dependant on our standing with God. Actually, I must say, I am so glad God doesn't bless or curse me according to what I deserve, 'cause I'd be in trouble. My three living children are blessings I totally don't deserve. I have them because God is good to me, not because I'm so wonderful that he just couldn't help but bless me, kwim? Likewise, the two that I lost weren't because God doesn't like me anymore, or because I did something to make me deserve a child even less than usual.

We live in such a fallen and corrupted world, both physically and spiritually. Every single one of us will die, whether that's a few days after conception or 100 years after birth. And as Christians, we believe that this life on earth is just a tiny drop in the ocean of eternity with God.

That last thought is what I cling to. One day I will stand before God with my babies who lived and my babies who didn't make it to birth. For me, the loss isn't just the baby, but the dreams of the years that I would have spent loving them and raising them and having them in my life. My grief isn't any less, but I know that my two "lost" babies are not lost to me forever. And I know that they are safe for eternity, and have bypassed the trials of living a full life on this earth. I will miss them for my whole life, but not forever, because I will lay eyes on them for the first time when my life is over.

I do not believe God took my babies to teach me some sort of lesson. I do believe though, that he allowed these losses like he allows any loss or trial, and will work some good through it. I may not know for many years, or until I am in heaven, what he has used this time for, but I know it will ultimately be for good.

There is probably more that I could say but I can't think right now. I will say I have found Ecclesiastes oddly comforting in times like this. It is *so* morose, but the book takes the long view of things, rather than focusing on the right-now pain.

[Vermillion]

Originally Posted by ihugtrees

Okay, I'm sorry to be so negative and emotional. I just wanted you to know that I know what you mean (sort of. I feel like my loss was minimal compared to some of the other losses in this thread). I'm so sorry for your loss, and I wish you peace and healing.

I don’t think any loss that affects someone in such a strong way could ever be minimal. Your loss is as huge as any! And I am also very sorry for your loss. Peace and healing to you as well~

[Vermillion]

I'd like to discuss this more, but I have to make dinner now. I just wanted to say that I'm all caught up with the replies here and I appreciate everyone's thoughts so much! Every one of you have given me something to think about! Many thanks to you wise women!

[Hedgehog Mtn]

I can't read without responding....I read the OP fully but didn't have enough time to read each response.

Is it possible that God is pointing unwanted children out to you for a reason? Perhaps he wants you to change some of their lives in a way.

I know people who have always wanted children but couldn't have them so they got involved in careers that brought them in close contact daily with children like that.....and because they had no children of their own they could devote so much more to changing those childrens lives.

Or perhaps a child (or more than 1) is in his plan to find a loving mother in you?

That's the first thing that popped into my mind reading your post.