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Please tell me what you think about this

post #1 of 9
Thread Starter 
I have been trying to tell DH how WRONG this is for him to do but he doesn't get it. We have been fighting a lot lately, he really knows how to push my buttons and I get to the point where I can't control myself because he's just pushed and pushed me. Anyways, he has starts pushing my buttons and then RECORDING me. He will say something that he knows will set me off knowing that he is going to record it. He then threatens to use it against me and as proof of what I say or how I act. I think this is super malicious and hurtful and he doesn't understand how wrong it is.

Am I crazy for thinking that's wrong? How can I make him get how much that hurts me?
post #2 of 9
Thread Starter 
post #3 of 9
Maybe you should get in there first so the whole thing is recorded so he see's his behaviour as well as yours.

If this is a regular occurance I would suggest you need to learn either how to ignore him or to walk away. Marrige counciling may be good for both of you or at least you on your own to help learn some coping techniques.

Why is this happening anyway? Are the two of you suffering from long term sleep deprivation due to having a baby/ young child? My dh and I could have killed each other durring that period of our lives.
post #4 of 9
It does sound malicious to me--why on earth would he want to have proof of your worst behavior, enough to try to make it happen? Have you ever been able to calmly tell him your feelings about this pushing buttons thing? As in, I want to behave better and you could help me by not deliberately putting me in the worst circumstances possible.

I assume that you have ppd if you are posting here? If it is any consolation, I also have demonstrated my worst behavior ever while depressed and yes, I think that my dh respects me less because of it, even though he knows that it is because of depression and not really me. I have told my dh that whenever I behave this way, I am definitely depressed and I definitely need help. The best thing he can do is take away my responsibilities for a little while so I can regain composure, get some endorphins by going out for a walk or doing yoga, getting some sleep in my room with the door locked, etc. My dh still doesn't really understand, but at least he knows what will help me get out of a string of bad, depressive behavior.

Is any of this helpful to you? Have you considered talking with a therapist, by yourself?
post #5 of 9
It is malicious. And he is enjoying it. I would begin to ignore him. I know it's hard because he is pushing your buttons but for your own sanity, I would start completely ignoring him anytime he says something ugly or argumentative. Walk away or get in the car. Whatever you have to do. And if he still doesn't stop, I would leave him. I'm sorry but this is abuse.

I had an ex that did that to me after we divorced so that he could record our conversations. He eventually took me to court and tried to use them against me to prove I was a bad mom. He also did it to our 3 young children. It takes one very unhappy, miserable person to enjoy another's pain.
post #6 of 9
I agree with the couples therapy suggestion, if neither of you will do that, at least you could both probably use some individual talk therapy.

I would be very hurt if my dh had chosen to act that immature and hurtful toward me in an argument or difficult time.
post #7 of 9
Thread Starter 
I do have PPD, so that is why I posted here. We have a serious, serious communication issue going on as well.

We have an appointment next week for couples therapy. I have been going to a weekly PPD group since DS was 4 weeks old and I am taking Zoloft.

I told him that it really hurts me when he records me and I managed to get him to say he won't do it anymore. We'll see. He has a habit of saying something then falling back on his word. We've been fighting like crazy. Awful, awful fights. So bad that I've considered divorce. I am hoping we can work it out, but I am scared because I am at the point where I feel like I just don't care anymore.
post #8 of 9
It's ILLEGAL for him to record you (assuming you are in the US) and then use it against you. If you do not consent, then he cannot do it. At all.

You need to inform him that its illegal, that you do not consent, and that he needs to stop now.

Also, take yourselves to couples counseling so that he can learn how to help you deal with your ppd rather than hurting you and making it worse. Really - it might help!
post #9 of 9
Good for you for making an appt for couples therapy. Also, that's great that you're treating your ppd. Hopefully it will be enough to turn things the other direction. I'm so sorry about the awful fights.

If DH agreed to go to counseling, that probably means he is interested in saving your marriage. And to enourage you, stats show that the majority of people who work through hard times in their marriage and decide to stay together, end up happily married later.
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