Too "Action-y" towards infant

[Xerxella]

So, my son is pretty easy going, sensitive and responsive. He's 2 1/2 and his younger sister is about 6 months. More and more lately, he's been very - I don't want to say aggresive, let's say actiony - towards her. He wants to play wrestle with her, knock her over, touch her, push against her, grab her, etc. He wants to do the things he does with adults with her. Of course, she's too little and we don't let that happen. Mostly, I just redirect, distract and overall avoid the situation. Twice now, I've put him in time out til he says he's sorry. Once she was just sitting on the floor and he went over to her and knocked her over. The other time I was holding her and trying to play with him. I didn't notice, but he had grabbed her hand and was squeezing it til she cried out. But, this last time, he sat for a few minutes, then said sorry and when I went over and hugged him, he cried a little and I just hugged him and rocked him and told him I know how hard it is.

I know he's going through some feelings of jealousy and just learning what's acceptable touching and what's not with whom. But, I of course, have to protect the baby. Any ideas about what I can do, should do differently, next time? TIA

[chfriend]

What a wonderful response. I wouldn't change a thing. 2 babies is a lot!

[SeekingJoy]

DS and DD were 21 months apart and we went through something similar. There were a rough 6 months in there where daily I would say "no sitting on your sister!" He wasn't being malicious, just rough. He still is somewhat oblivious when he gets excitied.

Redirection is great. But, so is limiting access. Can you wear her when you can't be right there to keep them apart? It will get better once she is walking and is a bit tougher in general.

[catters]

My two are also 21 months apart and DD is five months old. We're experiencing the same behavior. I just keep trying to let my son know that his sister is still very small and can't play as hard yet, and we have to be very gentle with her, like we are with the dog. Right? I mean, he understands that we play VERY gently with our tiny dog... Anyway, he still tries to sort of wrestle with her or roll a wee bit too close to her when she's on her tummy, etc. It's hard sometimes...

[Llyra]

We went through this when the twins were smaller, and DD1 was 2/3. She wanted to PLAY with them, the way she played with me and DH, and couldn't understand why that kind of play made them cry and make me angry.

The only thing that helped, really, was time, understanding, repetition, and patience. I would watch carefully, and immediately remove her from the twins' vicinity when something happened, and talk to her very firmly about how I knew she loved her babies, and wanted to play with them, but they were too little for that and it hurt them and scared them, and here let me show you a better way to interact with them, and yes, I know you're upset, but we have to think of the babies, too, etc. Over and over and over again until slowly, slowly, slowly, the lesson sank in.

Two things I've realized:
1. I had to let my strong emotions show in these situations, very carefully. I tried to convey fear and worry for the babies, rather than anger at DH. If I was too calm, DD didn't take me seriously, but if I got angry, she took the anger personally and felt betrayed. I had to make it clear that my upset was worry for the babies-- "We love our babies, and that hurts them, and we never want to hurt them, oh, mama is worried that the babies got hurt, let's go make sure they're okay."

2. A little rough play and the resultant crying is sometimes a fact of life with siblings, and overreacting to small hurts only leads to trouble. I learned to overlook a lot of little incidents, where the babies were not really seriously hurt or scared, and DD's intentions were good. A few knocks or a squeeze do no permanent harm, but getting too upset at the older child can. I see that now that they're older-- I don't want them running to me with every small hurt or dispute or argument-- "he poked my foot" "I did not, I only touched it." "He POKED it." "MOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!" every five minutes is what I get when I start being too overprotective of the smaller ones.