Holding a child financially responsible for damage they cause to furniture/home items?

[phatchristy]

Note this is about *financial* responsiblity...somehow some of my poll got cutt off when I went back and had to shorten one of the poll answers. Grrr...

At what age do you think it is reasonable to hold a child financially responsible to repair/replace if they purposefully cause damage to household items/furniture?

This assumes that the child knows full well that this behavior is not acceptable.

Examples: Your child carves deeply into your dining table. Or takes her school scissors home and cuts off pieces of your vertical blinds, the straps from her brother's new sandals and pieces out of her sister's stuffed animal.

This is assuming that the child has a good amount of money saved, given mainly by parents, some by relatives for holidays/birthdays/birth, in savings account.

[bronxmom]

I guess I'd say never. I would assume that either she is not old enough to have impulse control and try to remove the dangers while assuming positive intent. Or, if she is old enough to be responsible and accountable for her actions, then I'd really want to understand why she is doing these things. Espeically cutting a a sibling's stuff. Making her pay wouldn't seem to address either of those issues. I'd want to know why this is happening first.

[ssh]

Maybe 10 or 12, after the child has been warned ("any thing you damage on purpose you'll have to pay for"). The problem is, if your 10 or 12 year old is being that destructive, there may be mental health issues or at least problem with anger or rage.

[Cavy]

I clicked age 4+.. the thing is, I wouldn't hold them financially responsible for everything and not for the full value. But I would probably ask for some kind of financial contribution towards repairing the damage. Even if it's just a token penny.

DD scratched our car absent-mindedly (but out of curiousity, too) when she was 6yo; I made her pay for the repair wax (about 4 weeks allowance at the time).

[noobmom]

I vote teenagers for actual financial responsibility, but really, it depends on the situation and the amount of money involved. Motive is a big factor. For instance, teenager crashes their car by driving unsafely--definitely their responsibility. Teenager crashes their car because their brakes fail--I would help pay for that. If the amount of money is just too huge, then I think it's belaboring the point to require the child to pay it all back. If my kid burned down my house, is there any way they could ever pay that back?

However, the examples you listed are sort of disturbing, mostly because I've never understood why some people (not just children) have a desire to just destroy stuff. I don't think I would necessary take savings to pay that back. After all, that was gift money--not any money she actually worked for. If, instead she had spent it on toys instead of saving it, there wouldn't be any money to take. So, it seems like taking that money would encourage using up the money instead of saving. Rather, assuming the child is "old enough to know better", I think they should work off the debt, say by doing extra chores. If you don't have enough at your house, maybe require that the child "works" for an elder neighbor doing yard work or something like that (without money exchanging hands). I guess my point is, the association of damage to work is probably more valuable than damage to money since the child has no concept of working for a living yet.

[tinyblackdot]

I voted 8 and up. But i dont think i would ever hold my child financially responsible, i would make them work it off, as well as pay $$$ for it. Or let them trade in an item...say their play station for credit.

[RollerCoasterMama]

Originally Posted by ssh

Maybe 10 or 12, after the child has been warned ("any thing you damage on purpose you'll have to pay for"). The problem is, if your 10 or 12 year old is being that destructive, there may be mental health issues or at least problem with anger or rage.

Yup. This.

Realistically, I probably wouldn't want them to dip into money that was saved from gifts--they wouldn't actually get the point about the value of "stuff" and the value of money. Easy come, easy go. There's more to be learned by having them do some chores to earn the money to replace the item.

But it keeps circling back to the fact that a child that's old enough to be financially responsible for purposeful destruction of property probably has some other issues at the core that are more important than teaching them the value of a dollar! So it's just not sitting quite right with me.

In the scenario of a thoughtless accident that the child needed to take responsibility for (baseball through the window type thing)--then the chores for replacement money seems appropriate again.

[crl]

I voted 6 and up. DS is 6. We haven't had the household damage issue yet really. I haven't ever had to replace or repair something because of him--though he did mark up his bookcase and I would have to sand/refinish/paint to completely fix it. Instead we cleaned it off as best we could and I'm ignoring it until he's older. Oh, and I just remembered he recently broke a lamp in his room because he was angry and throwing things (not okay) and something hit the lamp. He's been told I have no intention of replacing it anytime soon and he can buy a new one out of his allowance if he wants a new one right away.

I have recently started explaining to DS that he needs to be careful with books, etc at the bookstore because if he damages them he'll need to pay for them out of his allowance. Before this I figured it would be my fault for not supervising him properly if he did any damage, but he is now old enough to really understand money and to have enough impulse control to be responsible for his choices. Also he is old enough that he doesn't want me right next to him while he's browsing at the store. So with the increased freedom (I keep him in sight but I'm not close enough to intervene immediately if he started ripping pages or something), comes increased responsibility.

Catherine

[chfriend]

"Your child carves deeply into your dining table. Or takes her school scissors home and cuts off pieces of your vertical blinds, the straps from her brother's new sandals and pieces out of her sister's stuffed animal."

Oh my, why are they doing this? It sounds like a child who needs a lot more support.

[notjustmamie]

I said "other" because I really think there are so many factors involved that I couldn't just assign it an age.

Some additional considerations:

• child's understanding of his or her action
• intent (as much as could be determined)
• child's recognition of the value of item/repair (financial or sentimental)
• comparison of repair/replacement to amount of money child has
• desires of the item's owner

[elizawill]

hmm, i'm not sure. for my kids, the answer would vary. my daughter is 8 & she would never purposefully damage anything - therefore, if that happened, i'd probably be more concerned about the "why" with her. it would be so out of character, that the damaged item would be least of my concerns. my ds is a different story though. he has destroyed things when he's angry; he's 5. in those situations, i have thrown stuff away (poster he destroyed in his room, etc) - and for him, the natural consequence of losing the item & me not replacing it is sufficient.

now, one time both of my kids wasted all of the shampoo & conditioner in the bathtub. this was deliberate. they als didn't care...their attitude was like, "oh well...too bad for you". i was ticked off. it was my shampoo & conditioner & we have to budget everything. they were certainly old enough to know it belonged to me and that wasting it for no reason simply wasn't cool with me. anyway - they didn't have money, so instead, i had them do chores to work off the cost of what it would be to replace it. if something along those lines occurred again, i would not hesitate to do the same thing.

on another note...when i was a teenager, i was locked out of the house and broke a window to get in (had other options....just chose the easiest). my father made me go to the hardware store and buy the window with him. i then had to watch him replace it. he said his time was valuable & if he had to spend it fixing something i did - then he wanted me to see how inconvenient that was, lol.

[MusicianDad]

I voted other because doubt I really would hold a child responsable but if I ever did then my main criteria would be if they have an income. Intent and understanding of ones actions would also be a big contributor too though.

[JamesMama]

Purposeful damage/wrecking of someone's belongings, 100% financially responsible starting at aroun 10, with some therapy/figuring out WHY my 10 y/o is cutting up his sisters shoes/teddy bear/blinds...if they don't have an 'income' then perhaps they'd have to work off their part with extra chores or something big (like cleaning out the garage or basement or something)

Accidental damage? Nothing. I mean kids are outside throwing a ball and one goes wide and breaks a window? Total accident. Riding bikes and accidently get too close to the car and scratch it? Accident, just a warning to stay out of the driveway or something.

[Tjej]

Sorry, I voted other. I think that all along a child should be responsible for their actions - and until they are responsible enough for their actions they should not be left alone to do any actions that are irresponsible.

If it were my table, well, they'd be sanding and filling it and working to fix it. The sandal straps - buying new sandals. And not with the saved money, but with current earnings. My almost 2yo I could see doing things like this - I guess that I'd currently be responsible for it just because I would have to be right there minding him, so it would ultimately have been my irresponsibility that caused it. My 3yo, having the right to be more independent, she would have the responsibility to not destroy things like that.

Of course, if she did, I would be very worried about why in the world she was choosing to do it. And I would not allow her to be alone unsupervised for quite a while (she would have lost that priviledge by not being responsible enough to handle it).

Tjej

[mild_adventurer]

Originally Posted by chfriend

"Your child carves deeply into your dining table. Or takes her school scissors home and cuts off pieces of your vertical blinds, the straps from her brother's new sandals and pieces out of her sister's stuffed animal."

Oh my, why are they doing this? It sounds like a child who needs a lot more support.

Can't a child be held responsible AND get support? Why does it have to be one or the other? Our children are all 8+ and when they purposefully damage a household item or another family member's property, we try to find a balance between holding them responsible for their actions and working with them to understand why they did what they did and what they might need from us.

I think the blatent abdication of responsibility - especially for older children - could set the stage for dangerous entitlement/narcissitic behavior later down the road.

[elmh23]

Probably around age 8. And if they don't have the money to pay for the item(s), then they would have to do chores (which in my house is what would likely happen as we don't do allowences.)

[JL83]

I voted 4+, but I wouldn't probably let them use past savings. We would figure out a "reasonable" amount for the child to pay and they'd earn that money by doing things for us and others. The attempt would be to make it comparable to the work that DH or I would have to do to replace/fix that item.

So a repair that would cost DH or I 1day's worth of earnings, should cost the child 1 day's worth of work. It would be to provide the feedback that money comes from work. And we need money or work to do things.

I am a big fan of making my child fix her own problems. From about 18 months on we made sure to put cloths in a low drawer in the kitchen and if she spilt her cup of water we didn't get mad, but directed her to the drawer to get a towel and clean up the water (with our help at first) and then throw the towel in the laundry basket. At 3 she doesn't even tell us anymore and just does it. If she needs help she asks for it.

I would want to take a similar approach to helping her learn to fix bigger problems too.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by elizawill

on another note...when i was a teenager, i was locked out of the house and broke a window to get in (had other options....just chose the easiest). my father made me go to the hardware store and buy the window with him. i then had to watch him replace it. he said his time was valuable & if he had to spend it fixing something i did - then he wanted me to see how inconvenient that was, lol.

That's how we are. DS recently broke out a window in our sunroom by throwing a ball. Our sunroom's this weird kind of inside/kind of outside place, so the windows are really flimsy. We're planning to replace them in a few weeks because we're closing it in, so we've already planned to buy a new one. DH did make DS help with cleaning up and taping up the window until then. I think that's a valuable lesson at his age (4) since he kept saying he'd rather be playing.

[jljeppson]

For me a lot of it depends on the situation. Not too long ago I bought my daughter a doll, which one of her brothers promptly broke (accidentally, but they were being too rough and knew better). I bought another doll, but with the clear warning that if it was broken the person responsible would be required to replace it with birthday money. Again, within a few days, it was broken and that child was responsible for replacing it with birthday money. He was 10. The same child managed to break a large picture window while putting the landscaping rocks in the front yard back in place (our kids and those in the neighborhood like to throw the rocks so periodically they are required to put them back; that includes the neighbor kids); he was skipping rocks up the hill to the place where they belonged and it bounced wrong and hit the window. He wasn't required to help pay for repairs for that, but he was warned about the proper way to replace the rocks and that he would be held responsible if it happened again (even just throwing the rocks would have gotten him a punishment). I've also required a 5yr old to replace a siblings toy with b-day money; all of it just depends on the situation and age of the kid at the time.

[jljeppson]

I just wanted to add that I have a niece that once took scissors and cut some of my mothers new towels to shreds. She was somewhere around the age of 7-8; my mother was furious, but my sister didn't hold her responsible for the damage since the child had ADHD and (at the time) had impulse control problems and I don't think she was medicated. I say had, because she actually grew out of it. She tends a bit towards the drama side, but that runs in the family so doesn't surprise me.