Help! What do we do?

[possum]

My 2.5 year old son is very spirited, energetic, willful, and articulate.
We try to use gentle techniques to guide him, but lately he has gotten more and more rambunctious and defiant.
We have our home set up so that we can say yes as much as possible. Things he can't have for whatever reason are generally not accessible to him or are out of sight.
We do not spank. My husband was raised in a spanking environment and thinks that it severed him very well. His parents are generally very gentle and kind people, and I find it hard to imagine them spanking. He has, however, gone with my desire not to use spanking. He, particularly, is at a loss for what to do when my son repeatedly does things that are not acceptable.
We have used redirection and distraction very effectively in the past, but my son is now persistent and has a long enough attention span/memory that it is often not a very useful tool.

I am looking for more tools to help us guide my son. I would love some recommendations for books. In particular, I think we could use some how to sorts of references to give us more tools to pull out of the bag to keep things peaceful and pleasant around here.

Thanks,
Melinda

[possum]

Really? 43 views and no one has a book to recommend?

[Hedwig_Fly]

I'm sorry I don't have much to offer in terms of help but didn't want you to feel alone so here's a bit of commiseration. I was coming to this forum today for similar help as you are asking for - but for my 3 year old.

I have read - How to Raise Your Spirited Child and thought it was a great book that helped me understand my oldest, which helped us to not put her in situations she couldn't handle well. However with my middle child - she is very different and we are still struggling to figure out how to redirect her appropriately. Maybe I need to reread the book. I also have Playful Parenting that I haven't finished so maybe I need to do that too.

I have seen Playful Parenting recommended tons - so you might want to take a look. I didn't finish it because allot of the beginning parts I felt like I already knew or was already implementing. However now - well maybe my husband and I need a refresher. We certainly need something because our current situation cannot continue.

Good Luck - I hope you get some maybe more helpful suggestions.

[orquidea]

Discipline without Distress has a lot of specific tips
I also am enjoying Playful Parenting right now
I also have a 2.5 yr old. Cohen (Playful Parenting) has a lot of ideas that really work for an active little boy like mine.

[jewelsJZ]

Time will help, too. My oldest was very much like you are describing. Not that he is easy now, but he gets it when we tell him something is not an option. It's much easier to talk about things with him now.

[elizawill]

melinda, i'm sorry i don't have any good advice. honestly, toddlerhood was just plain difficult for me. my son especially was spirited, busy, into everything, and constantly had tantrums. what worked best for us was routine, consistency, knowing his limits, and a good sense of humor.

my favorite book is "how to talk so kids will listen & listen so kids will talk". it's wonderful, and it has helped me so much. hth.

[possum]

Thank you all very much for taking the time to reply. It is really hard to know where to turn when you know you don't want the advice of most of the parents you know.
I have ordered Raising Your Spirited Child,
asked for Playful Parenting and How To Talk So Children Will Listen and Listen So Children Will Talk (I have another book by this author and thought it was useful),
and have asked my husband to ILL Discipline Without Distress.
Thank you all.
Melinda

[HappilyEvrAfter]

Taming the Spirited Child by Popkin is a good one too. I just finished it.

It might be for a child that's a little older, but it might help give you a map for the future.

Playful Parenting is an excellent recommendation from above.

I'd offer specific advice, but these books outline way better than I can.

It is really hard to know where to turn when you know you don't want the advice of most of the parents you know.

^5 to that. I quickly realized that I was not parenting "mainstream" after watching the parents around me. I get tons of wonderful advice from reading this site!

[Hedwig_Fly]

I have to agree with HappilyEvrAfter "I quickly realized that I was not parenting "mainstream" after watching the parents around me. I get tons of wonderful advice from reading this site!"

Yesterday was a hard day for me. My 3 year old middle DD has been quite a handful lately. She is even acting out at school with inappropriate behavior. In my shock - regarding her behavior yesterday I shared with my co-worker. Well my co-worker doesn't have kids but has lots of friends with kids and so she told me that maybe my DD needed to get into therapy and that her behavior was not normal - none of her friends kids act like mine do. I was really upset - but after taking some time to reflect I come to this conclusion. My kids are not like everyone else's kids because they are just "more" as explained in Raising Your Spirited Child. The typical mainstream parenting techniques just don't work for my kids and I don't want to shame or scare them into doing what I say when I say it. So you know what that means - I have to work harder than that mainstream set of parents to find the right set of tools to use for each of my very different tempered children. Also a reminder to me of just why I had children in the first place - we have been granted the gift of these precious little ones to help them grow into wonderful, generous, self-assured, self-confident, compassionate people. The hard work it takes to find and implement tools that feel right in my heart to accomplish this goal is worth it - difficult and frustrating at times but worth it.

So after really looking at our situation - I am realizing we have been falling short on parenting our little ones with love and compassion. We are going to be working on setting up more structure, including clear rules to enforce consistently (like the clean up your toys after you’re done) with logical consequences. It also looks like we'll be meeting with your 3yrs olds teachers to discuss some ideas to help her too. And being really honest with myself I think her bad behavior is largely our fault but definitely also a part of her innate personality.

I also think it is time to reread some of the books I have already read to reinforce and/or remind myself of the tools we already have available. I really liked Unconditional Parenting - though at times it was hard to read since it was such a departure from the norm. I think I need to revisit it now. How to Raise Your Spirited Child - was a huge help to me and I think I could use it again now (but I'll have to get it back from a friend I loaned it to).

Continued good luck to you - I hope you and your DP find the tools that feel right in your heart to help with your little one who is just "more".