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So 8yoDD walked in on...(TMI warning) - Page 3

post #41 of 60
Thread Starter 
The interesting thing is that it's really gotten me thinking about the 'why' behind the discomfort, ykwim? Sex is a normal, healthy, bodily function for adults...

I grew up with a LOT of imposed 'sex is bad' messages, so it's really a struggle for me to deal with this and NOT freak out.

I don't think you're a prude
post #42 of 60
I've been thinking about the uncomfortableness too, and the best I can come up with is this: I think *my* issue with it is that when I'm staying in someone else's home (which I am now, I'm at my mom's for the month of October), I would NOT be having sex on her sofa or anywhere else that wasn't locked and private (like when no one is home).

Just because I don't feel that sex is something to be shameful of doesn't mean I have to be comfortable with everyone knowing when and where I'm doing it, you know? To make my thoughts even more convoluded, my 5 year wedding anniversary is coming up in a week and a half and when my husband arrives we're getting a hotel room for EXACTLY this purpose, to get our freak on. My mom knows this, my sisters know it, it's all out in the open. But for someone reason getting in on after having not seen him for a couple of weeks with her and my cousin in the next two rooms over is, well, weird. And I grew up in a pretty liberal open family. Sex is all good if it's consensual and safe, however you like, with whoever you like it with. Masturbation, pre-marital sex.. nothing was off limits. But getting it on while everyone is downstairs watching TV, or worse, making them listen to it if they were in their own rooms, is just.. weird. I can't explain it, maybe it's just me imposing MY comfort level on others? If my mom or my cousin (who is also here right now) were to bring someone home and basically force me to listen/be aware of them having sex, I wouldn't be too happy about it. They can do it 'till the cows come home, but it really doesn't need to be a public affair. And it would be in this house.

ETA: Thinking about it a bit more, I think my discomfort about being too open stems from the fact that my family really was open about sex. Perhaps too open. I remember one time we were on a sailing trip and were anchored out and I rowed to shore to take the trash to the bins and when I got to the docks and looked back at the boat it dawned on me that ALL the other boats were as still as statues, and ours was a rockin'! The guy that owned the marina introduced himself to me and asked which one was ours and I was MORTIFIED that my mom and step-dad were having a quickie while I was gone and making it blatantly obvious. LOL. I guess I'm scarred for life.
post #43 of 60
Thread Starter 
I see what you're saying, I really do. I guess the difference to me lies in the fact that she's living here, not temporarily. She'll likely be living here for at least a year or two. She's been here a couple months, but she's been 'in the family' forever and she and I are like sisters.

I think if she was visiting I'd completely agree with you, and if it was 'just any guy' we'd definitely have issues. Since she's here pretty permanently, and he's practically family (before this...LOL), I don't have an issue with that part of it. And honestly, I do think they were trying to be discreet. I had NO clue what they were doing in her room. We put in two chairs, a table, a radio, a desk, and her bed. You can't hear anything outside her room. They go in there and sit and talk privately all the time. So it's not like she's running off to screw like rabbits or anything

Still though, I think for me I'd never be comfortable enough in a 'not specifically and solely my home' house to have sex of any kind...kids or no. But I'm a LOT more bashful when it comes to that sort of thing.

Clearly she's not...
post #44 of 60
Quote:
Originally Posted by Theoretica View Post
Still though, I think for me I'd never be comfortable enough in a 'not specifically and solely my home' house to have sex of any kind...kids or no. But I'm a LOT more bashful when it comes to that sort of thing.

Clearly she's not...
Yeah, I see what you're saying. The funny thing is, is that while I'm fine talking about sex with my family, my husband is not. I can't have sex with my mom down the hall, but he can. Is that weird? Or maybe it's just because he's a guy?
post #45 of 60
Thread Starter 
I know, right?!?!?!

It's TOTALLY a guy thing (for my guy too, at least).

I think they can manage to 'make it work' just about ANYWHERE :
post #46 of 60
Hey, if you can't afford a lock right now, what about a cheapie hook and eye at the top of the door?
post #47 of 60
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by annettemarie View Post
Hey, if you can't afford a lock right now, what about a cheapie hook and eye at the top of the door?
I think you get the award! That's a buck...we can totally do that!

Yeayyyyyy!
post #48 of 60
Well, it won't stop someone bound and determined to get in, but it gives you enough time to get your pants up. Don't ask me how I know.
post #49 of 60
We don't have locks on any of our doors, not even the bathroom door. I don't see the need. We have 2 kids. Only one has ever heard us, but she still didn't come barging in.
post #50 of 60
Quote:
Originally Posted by annettemarie View Post
Well, it won't stop someone bound and determined to get in, but it gives you enough time to get your pants up. Don't ask me how I know.
post #51 of 60
Our kids have walked in on us a few times. The last two times DD knew exactly what was happening and just walked back out, DS is too young.

As for the couch thing... I'm in the minority: I don't think it's that weird! If she lives there, or is staying for a while, how is that weird? She has needs. Why on earth would you make yourself celibate just because there are children in the home? God forbid they know what sex is? Yeesh!
Then again, I'm not at all a prude.

My sister has yet to walk in on us (she's very careful), but she's overheard us before... and we've overheard her (and her boyfriend) and we all joke about it. She almost walked in on our dad and his partner a few months back and it's become a huge family joke.
My DS has also run into her room a few times and run back out with a "special toy" - which prompted a, "Please close your door when you're not here" conversation.
Sometimes they forget, even when there are kids around.

I think you handled it fine!
post #52 of 60
Quote:
Originally Posted by Porcelain Interior View Post
I think the damage and trauma is always in how it's handled afterwards- not the sex part.
Agreed. I think you handled it great!
post #53 of 60
Quote:
Originally Posted by Porcelain Interior View Post
I think the damage and trauma is always in how it's handled afterwards- not the sex part.
my thoughts exactly! I think you handled it very well!
post #54 of 60
I think you handled it all perfectly!
post #55 of 60
you handled it great
post #56 of 60
Quote:
Originally Posted by Theoretica View Post
........


......................

My cousin (in her 30's) and her boyfriend (same age) having oral sex. Apparently very creative oral sex. (maybe I should be )



They were in her (my cousin's) private bedroom with the door completely closed. DD had asked me "where's Aunt Dianne and Tracy?" I said probably in her room, leave them alone.

She proceeded to walk down the hallway, open the door, and stand there.

They were in a ...precarious...position from the sounds of it. My cousin stayed calm and told her to leave, and DD didn't say anything to me about it at all. A little while later the boyfriend left (he's an old family friend...practically lives here anyways, even before she moved in...) and was clearly uncomfortable. She told me a little bit later that DD had walked in on them and they were mortified.

She's worried this will damage DD somehow (??) and my take is it's sex...it's not like they're running a meth lab, ykwim? Sex is for grownups, and walking in on sex is embarrassing for everyone, but it's not wrong or bad. That's pretty much the spiel I gave DD at least.

I talked to DD about personal space and privacy (a big one in our house, there's a specific rule that no one opens closed doors without knocking, this isn't a new concept or anything). I also told DD I'd appreciate it if she apologized to her aunt for walking in (I'm sure she will, they have a good relationship), and I said if she has any questions she can let me know, we have a very open discussion policy about sex.

So do you think I handled it ok? I apologized to Tracy via text message (he was at work by then) and told Dianne that we'd get a lock for her door.

Any other ideas? Words of encouragement to assuage that nagging doubt in my mind that maybe it IS damaging for her to see that? I don't think it is, and no one flipped out or created a complex for her to freak out about, but still...



FWIW a couple weeks ago the two lovebirds were in the throes of passion late at night (in my living room, serves 'em right...hence why they were careful to be in the bedroom this time) and woke up the 18mo toddler, who walked out of our room and down the hall to the living room. My cousin realized she was here and hid under the blanket, at which point the 18mo old waves and says "Hiya Day (her name for my cousin)...PEEK!"

:


........help......
I once walked in on my aunt and her long-time boyfirend doin' the deed (I was staying the night at their place) when I was about the same age as your DD. I was embarrassed to have interrupted them, not about what I saw. I wasn't traumatized, and I doubt your daughter will be either. You gave your DD the requisite "knock first" and "everyone needs privacy now and then" talk, and that's more than I got when I interrupted my aunt's lovemaking session.

Aunt Dianne and Tracy, on the other hand- I bet they'll be blocking their bedroom door from now on!
post #57 of 60
My 15yo dd walked in on us this morning. Said "oookay then" and walked back out, she was nonchalent about it. She did not knock. Hopefully she's learned knocking is a good thing.
post #58 of 60
Quote:
Originally Posted by littleteapot View Post
Our kids have walked in on us a few times. The last two times DD knew exactly what was happening and just walked back out, DS is too young.

As for the couch thing... I'm in the minority: I don't think it's that weird! If she lives there, or is staying for a while, how is that weird? She has needs. Why on earth would you make yourself celibate just because there are children in the home? God forbid they know what sex is? Yeesh!
Then again, I'm not at all a prude.

My sister has yet to walk in on us (she's very careful), but she's overheard us before... and we've overheard her (and her boyfriend) and we all joke about it. She almost walked in on our dad and his partner a few months back and it's become a huge family joke.
My DS has also run into her room a few times and run back out with a "special toy" - which prompted a, "Please close your door when you're not here" conversation.
Sometimes they forget, even when there are kids around.

I think you handled it fine!
Your sister is 15 and having sex in your home? Wow, that's a bit young.
post #59 of 60
I'll be the resident prude. I would flip if someone had sex on my couch.

I also think that the cousin could have gotten herself a lock. I wouldn't be upset about the incident, but I also think locking the door when you're having sex during the day with little ones running around makes good sense.

FWIW, I think you handled it great and think the chances of any "trauma" to your daughter are nill.

I'd be far more worried about my furniture, lol.
post #60 of 60
Quote:
Originally Posted by jennybear View Post
I'll be the resident prude. I would flip if someone had sex on my couch.

I also think that the cousin could have gotten herself a lock. I wouldn't be upset about the incident, but I also think locking the door when you're having sex during the day with little ones running around makes good sense.

FWIW, I think you handled it great and think the chances of any "trauma" to your daughter are nill.

I'd be far more worried about my furniture, lol.
Dang, if you're ever in town and want to meet up, remind me not to have you over and to meet at a neutral location instead.
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