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It's not a phase. I need help.

post #1 of 8
Thread Starter 
We've had problems with biting ever since DS got teeth at 5 months. Now he's 22 months and I'm just at wits' end.

At it's worst, he went after my face and left red welts. It subsided for a while, and now he's back into it.

If I say to him how it hurts, he laughs in my face half the time. I need help on how to address this. I can't just ignore it. It's painful to body and soul!
post #2 of 8
I'm sorry. That sounds really rough. 22 month olds are not famous for their ability to be empathetic! What all have you tried? I'm curious to see what other people suggest (my younger DD isn't doing this....yet...but she does pull hair like crazy).

Edited to add Dr. Sears' take:
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T063900.asp#T062400
post #3 of 8
Ds was a pretty consistent biter from about 9 months until he was about 34 months. So, yes it is a phase, just a very long one with some children. Most children STOP biting around the same age (many by 3, most by 4) --it's the point at which they START biting that varies and make some parents feel like it is a phase that will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, END.

Usually it starts out with teething and just does not stop. I must admit, we actually made a game out of it when he started in with the baby-bites around 9 months. He would bite our finger, we feigned injury and fell down proclaiming he was "SO strong!" and then he chuckled and grinned in mad delight and bit us again. At first it was cute. Then, not so much. Yeah, we did not think that one through

Honestly, the main way to stop it was that right before he did it he got 'the look'. Kind of an impish little glint in his eye that said "ah hah!". Ds bit for ANY reason and NO reason. He did it just because I was there, or he was bored, or he was cranky, or he was overly stimulated and happy. Combined with hitting and throwing, he just reacted to strong happy, sad, or antsy feelings in that way. If you can catch them before they actually do it, and provide something else to bite, or hit, a lot of the damage can be averted.

The main thing that cured ds was the emotional maturity he gained close to 3 years old, combined with huge strides in his verbal communication skills. His memory, comprehension, and verbal expression all began to mature at about 33-35 months.

I will confess we also did some time in/time outs that upset him a great deal but were effective in helping him comprehend the increasingly serious attitude I felt towards his biting/hiting as he approached three years old. In our version of the time out, one parent sat with him while the parent he bit left the room. Ds was not allowed to follow, but had to remain with the unbitten parent until he calmed down enough to show he was listening to the message "We do not hit or bite mommy/daddy" and could repeat it. He objected to this in the strongest possible terms, with much crying and kicking and throwing himself on the floor, but after just two experiences of seeing that he had to stay in the room with the parent until he calmed down and listened, he began to visibly stop himself when he got 'the glint' in his eye, and would accept redirection, or actively seek a distraction for himself, and the biting stopped within about a week.

So, I think there was a little element in there where it had just become a habit, and once he was convinced we were serious, he dropped it. But I don't think that would have necessarily worked as young as 22 months, or at least, I don't think it would have worked so quickly, and with some children, might not have worked at all.
post #4 of 8
Things that I think worked for me (younger ds is 2.5 now and very rarely bites anymore):
If he bit, I immediately yet calmly got up and moved away or walked away.
I would also sometimes say something calmly like "I don't like biting", or "that's ouchy for Mommy" in a kind of sad voice.
If he was coming at me or trying to bite I sometimes offered I would take a hug or kiss instead.
HTH!
post #5 of 8
Thread Starter 
So when they bite you, you don't feel upset and hurt? You don't feel the pain? I'm trying to wrap my head around this.

Sometimes I can catch an upcoming bite, but sometimes he does it without warning. He bites worse than a dog....meaning, it's more than a nip. It's teeth marks with red streaks.
post #6 of 8
Yes I felt upset and hurt.

However, 2 year olds often can't understand they influence how others feel.

The fact that I was upset was only useful as a motivation to find a way to control and eventually change his behavior. By itself, the upset feelings were almost counter-productive. My own ds did NOT understand it when I got upset. In fact if I started to cry or get angry over the biting/hitting, he became panicky and almost hysterical and would hit me more saying 'no, no!!'. 2 year olds just can't cope with having their caregivers angry or upset, even when it is totally understandable, justified, and logical to be upset with them. They are just too young to process that most of the time.
post #7 of 8
Quote:
Originally Posted by mizznicole View Post
So when they bite you, you don't feel upset and hurt? You don't feel the pain? I'm trying to wrap my head around this.

Sometimes I can catch an upcoming bite, but sometimes he does it without warning. He bites worse than a dog....meaning, it's more than a nip. It's teeth marks with red streaks.
I don't stick around when people hurt me.

The few times my DD bit me I yelped in pain and told her I didn't like that because it hurt me. Then I moved away from her and did my own thing. I'm not going to play with someone who hurts me. I'd go do the dishes or something. We still had the baby gates up when she did this, so I was "safe" in the kitchen. She would stand at the gate and cry for a little bit. Her crying would start off MAD that I had left and then turn into sad. Once she was sad, then that would normally soften my heart and I'd find myself going over to her and picking her up and cuddling her. It wasn't conscious at the time, but that's what I see now that I look back at it.
post #8 of 8
my son is also a biter. Complicating the situation is that I run a home daycare and he's biting the children in my care. It is embarrassing and frustrating. I don't know what to do. I know he bites at times when I am distracted or busy doing other things. When he bites I try to say things like "You look very angry" or "It must make you angry when he takes your toy". I noticed recently he has started using those words ("my angry!") and it feels like progress. Then he bit a kid today and I want to go cry in the corner. I always approach him saying "No biting!" and then comfort the child he bit and say things like "That hurts, doesn't it?"

I guess I do those things because I feel like he bites because he lacks the verbal and coping skills to handle stress. I try to give him alternate ways of expressing his frustration. Eric has never bit a child without provocation, so I have no advice if that's what you're going through...only hugs
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