My step son is coming to stay....... Help!!!! Another UPDATE No 53 - Page 2

[darcytrue]

Originally Posted by SleeplessMommy

I think you need counseling in place if he is going to live with you full time. These problems are not going to be fixed by healthy food and an alcohol-free house. Your husband could possibly get some ideas from talking with the school counselor. If a 13-year old is expelled, they get sent to a public alternative school, right?

sadly, the child has deeper issues that need to be focused on. He needs more support.

[QueenOfTheMeadow]

Originally Posted by darcytrue

sadly, the child has deeper issues that need to be focused on. He needs more support.

Isn't counseling the way to address this and get ideas of how to offer him healthy support to help him get through these issues?

[tireesix]

Ok, will update tomorrow now hes gone home, I thought all was good but it seems otherwise. Hes been complaining that he was stuck in the whole time?

Well, he was infected with swine flu when he came and infected the rest of us. I have fibro so it really got to me, DH has a knackered lung and we have 3 kids under 6, so they were all affected. You are asked to not go anywhere when you have swine flu for 5 days. We WANTED to do stuff with Z but physically etc, going out wasn't a good option for us or other people.

Apparently, Z wanted to be let out, by himself, at 13, in a strange town (city even) when he knows no one.

I don't know whats going on at the moment, DH is VERY upset by the turn of events, Zs mum is near breaking point (having seen her today I feel very sorry for her and hope we can in fact become friends, I hope to get her email off DH and write her a nice long email).

Apparently, when he got home he expected to be allowed out until 10:30 pm!!!!!!

Update more tomorrow.

[tireesix]

OK, so Z went home and then there was a load of crap like him not being allowed out even though we all had swine flu and him just being rude and deciding he didn't want to come at christmas because he wanted to stay with his friends etc.

We suggested things to his mum which she says she can't do etc (like removing his games consoles so he can earn them back etc).

Apparently his behaviour was a bit better when he went back but now its gotten even worse.

He completely denies anything he has done, he bullies his mum etc, he refuses to go to appointments (even social services ones and she just lets him get away with it).

She is really not helping because she refuses to do anything that might help because she just wants him to be happy, so instead, she just allows him to abuse her. This isn't making him happy, its not helping him and I feel really sorry for any girlfriend or wife he has in the future.

Anyway, we got a call from the school and her today. He has been getting money out of smaller kids for fags and he also headbutted someone. So, now the police are involved, he is on his final warning before being expelled etc.

Soooooooooooooo, his mum is sending him here again for 2 weeks, he will be missing 2 weeks of school so they are sending some work for him.

He doesn't seem to understand that he is being bad. He got a kid in a head hold at school and everything erupted and then when he was taken out of class said he did nothing wrong.........

Because of swine flu last time, we weren't able to do much like doctor visits etc and he was really good when he was here anyway but this time I am getting stuff sorted, we have to notify the police just in case he does a runner, try and sort out an emergency person for him to talk to, doctor appointment etc.

Its just really rough at the moment (not to mention our neighbour issues as well lol).

Being the step parent there is only so much I can do and not being the resident parents, there is only so much we can do, some of it is the mothers responsibility but she isn't prepared to do anything (I suspect guilt and fear play a part).

Just don't know what to do. We can't get him counselling full time for him when he is not here full time and up there he just doesn't have to go. We can get him in to see the doc but again, she is limited by what she can do because she doesn't have his medical records and again, whatever is decided down here won't be followed up there.

Its such a mess..........................

[AllisonK]

Sounds like DSS is not with you any more but I wanted to post that I wish someone had MADE me quit smoking as a teen. I went to drug rehab at 16 and we were allowed to smoke there as well. Later rules changed but I wish (now looking back) that I didn't have the option. He won't like it, at all, but if he comes to your house for good I would have some serious ground rules about that. Hugs to you and your family, hope you all recover quickly and sending good thoughts about the situation with DSS.

[gcgirl]

Originally Posted by tireesix

DH though was understandably PO at me when I asked him whether DH would be rooting through the fridge. We have ALOT of morphine here, so I figure we are going to have to hide it but DH said that Z is not quite a junkie yet......... I didn't mean offense but I want to make sure all bases are covered.

Um, you're right. You should hide the morphine. It's a safety issue more than anything. No one who has not been prescribed morphine (or any drug) should have access to it, especially a 13-year-old with known behavior issues who is also already smoking and drinking.

(I used to work for a drug rehab clinic; safety of take-home medications was discussed FREQUENTLY.)

[Barefoot~Baker]

I just have to say that from the way you are so concerned about this boy and determined to help him, you are a great stepmom. He and your dh are so lucky to have you! I really hope that he is able to change. It sounds like your home environment and your parenting methods could be what he needs.

good luck with everything!

[meemee]

hmmm i am reading this whole thread for the first time.

in your first post of him coming adn you were talking about how good it was, i was thinking uh oh how can it be good for him if he cant go out to drink and smoke.

there is a LOT here to deal with. NO way can you and dh AND mom do this on your own.

dss is on a spiral down to hell. he needs counseling, support groups, mentors and all of you.

you mentioned dh was not allowed to see dss for a while. i wonder what his mom told him then. that daddy wasnt interested in him adn therefore not visiting? so there is a possibility that just staying in your house is a constant painful reminder of that.

i can also relate to him wanting to be with his friends this xmas. that makes sense to me and its a point that almost all single parents struggle with. or should i say divorced parents.

and OP try seeing life thru his eyes for a bit. esp. since he seems to be hanging out with even worse kids.

not trying to be mean or rude, but you really need the guidance of social worker who works with troubled kids. you are living in rose tinted glass world. the happy family together - your dss is so not ready for this now. both you and your dh needs guidance of what to do with dss. please know that i am not saying you dont love your dss. what i am saying is you have no idea of what's actually going on and how to deal with it.

if he doesnt get help soon, he will soon be getting worse and worse. i wont be surprised if left untreated he might not get into stealing big time.

s your heart is in the right place and you and your dh are the only ones who can truly help him.

lots and lots of love to Z.

[tireesix]

OK, honestly, I do have some idea lol.

I started smoking aged 13, started stealing, self harming, etc etc etc due to similar issues (except it was my mu not my dad who went AWOL I suppose you could say). My DH, has also been through a very rough childhood, so we aren't completely ignorant of everything and in fact know better than most.

I also worked with troubled kids a few years back and always had good outcomes.

I think what my last post was trying to say was that we can do as much as we want down here with him but his mum up there will not continue it. Both my husband and I know that he needs help, he needs parenting that does not involve being given everything that he wants.

As for Christmas with friends, we (his mum, his dad and I) said he could have a few days with friends before and after he came here, BUT, ultimately, his mum has been invited somewhere else for christmas, she needs a break and she is going but because of his behaviour, he is not invited. He has no choice but to come here unless he wants to spend christmas with social services.

I totally understand how he wants to spend christmas with friends, I understand why he doesn't want to be here, I know it is very difficult for him to come here because of his and his dads past, because he knows no one else here because he is moving in on a family that is already established.

When DH told me about what happened yesterday, my response wasn't 'poor victim' but 'poor Z'. He isn't in a good place right now and I know that feeling, I have the scars to remind of that place.

DH is going to be getting the ex to give him the details of Zs social worker so that there can be correspondence between them, I am arranging to talk to a family worker down here (and must get on the phone to her in a minute actually), but again, there is only so much we can do down here, any of us.

I talked to DH last night and said to him that if when Z goes back after this fortnight things continue then we are going to have to give Zs mum an ultimatum, she either gets on board with the social workers, us and the doctors OR starting from the begining of next year, he stays with us full time. We have 3 young children to think about during all of this as well and I don't want their life going up and down and all over the place due to Z being gone, then being sent here as a punishment, then going back and DH getting stressed because he is being called by the ex, the school and or the police because of what Z has done next.

As it goes, up until this point, Z has been allowed to do whatever he wants with no consequences, he bullies his mum (and Z is big, his mum is very small and I suspect, when he is in a range, she may feel very physically threatened by him) but we will not put up with that (and he doesn't like it).

We are a happy family and people think of us as being very laid back, but that we are not and Z, if he lives with us will have no choice but to go to his appointments, he will not be allowed out all night, he will not be allowed to victimise younger smaller kids etc etc etc. He will face the consequences but at the same time, we will be gentle with him.

We all know what is happening now is not a good thing for him and to be honest, the only thing I can see working for him is him coming to live here because we will not be bullied, we will not exclude him, he will be one of us with everything that comes with it. At least that way, we can make sure he gets the help he needs which he is not getting at the moment. If Z decides he doesn't want to go to a social services appointment, he isn't made to go. That isn't helping anyone.

I think I might sound angry today and I am, not at any of you because you have been great, but the fact that this situation, Z has been allowed to get as bad as this.

We have always been here, DHs ex should have just called, we would have helped, we have always wanted to help and as DH said, I would have had him since day one.

We were always told everything was fine so for DH to get a call out of the blue 3 weeks ago or so and suddenly having all this extra info is somewhat shocking to say the least.

Apparently Z walked out on his mum taking a bottle of southern comfort with him once. This terrified me, my brother (ADHD) walked out with a bottle of my grans drink and never came back. He was pulled out of the sea a couple of days later as dead as dead can be. He was 19 years old.

I know the consequences of this behaviour and it scares me, not just because of my brother, but also because of what I went through.

I just don't know what to do.

Will talk to the family worker though and see if she can suggest some emergency services we can use.

[flapjack]

Your DH doesn't need his ex to give him the details of the social worker. He's the kid's father, he has parental responsibility and the social worker should have been communicating with him all along. So should the school: BUUUUUT because there are so many dads out there who do just walk away, the social workers and schools had no way of knowing that this wasn't the case here. Is your DH acknowledging the consequences of his actions? Is he now in contact with school, with social services? All it takes is one phone call, telling them that he is the dad of a child they are providing services for...

With seriousness, you cannot turn this kid around. Your DH can, and has the right to try and do so, but as a stepmum, it isn't down to you. I'm putting this as gently as I can, because I can see how strongly you need to help, but without your DH being 100% "I'm going to fix the mistakes I've made" you can do nothing. IF your DH is 100% "I may not be healthy, but no excuses, my kid comes first" I have some ideas on ways to approach this- plus everything I mentioned upthread. Until your DH hits that point, though, this kid is just going to continue sinking until he's ready not to do so or his mum hits the realisation of what she's done.

[tireesix]

Hi Flapjack,

Yeah, it sucks for me, I can't do nowt, I give DH suggestions though as on this thread.

DH didn't realise he had as many rights as he does. He totally wants to do whats best for the child, he knows he should have been there more (all though there is not much you can do when the ex decides to bugger off with the kid just before visitation etc).

We are prepared to do whatever is necessary, its quite nice that yesterday DH said to me, 'I didn't ask you whether it was ok for him to stay for 2 weeks because I figured you would say yes'. Of course I would lol. Z is part of the family.

Its just trying to get the ex on board, DH is talking to her now. So we shall see how that goes.

Both of them have made mistakes, BIG mistakes, they do seem to blame each other but it is both of them, however, their personal issues with each other have to be that and no matter who thinks who is to blame, at least they keep it to themselves and try and show a united front when together.

I think a lot of my problems is down to the fact that I had issues growing up. My parents were ALWAYS at war with each other (they divorced when I was 7). I had major issues with my step mum. I seriously feel that my parents treatment of my brother is what led to his behaviour problems and turned him into a sexual predator (his issue was control in a major way). I don't want that to happen to Z.

When I see Z I feel so bad for him, he just looks lost and lonely and I just remember feeling that way. I want him to realise we want him, we need him and we are here for him.

The family worker should be calling us back soon.

How can we try and get Zs mum on board?

I think both DH and the ex feel very guilty about what has happened with Z (and rightfully so lol), but the ex is also scared of Z. How can we approach this and help her make changes that won't end up getting her hurt and Z in any more trouble?

I can take being head butted and punched and sworn at but she is a broken woman and I can totally understand why she is fearful.

How do you react to a violent 13 year old boy who is pretty big?

I realise these are probably questions suited better for a social worker but any tips would be good.

Also, are there any books that might be useful reading?

I have 'how to listen so you kids talk and how to talk so your kids listen', I thought that might help, but is there anything else with gentle approaches that I can read and get DH to read? I might check out our local sure start for books actually but I think most of their books are aimed at parents of young children.

Also, WRT educating him while he is here, the school is sending down work for him to do but I am concerned about getting him to do it, We homeschool our others but they are ickle. I was wondering whether taking him to the library etc would help.

Before the most recent incident, I felt sure of myself, but now I feel very unsure etc. I just want to get things right!!!!!

[flapjack]

Have you read Hold On To Your Kids? I'll see if I can dig out my copy this weekend. If you have an NSPCC childrens centre in your area, they often have more resources for older children.

In your husband's shoes, I'd push really hard for a referral to the adolescent mental health team to help him learn some healthy ways of dealing with these extreme emotions (and to stop him going off the rails the way your brother did). There's two ways of getting the referral: school or GP, or I suspect possibly social services. GP is quicker than school, so if his doctor will talk to your husband, it could be worth a phone call there as well.
The family support workers should be able to help you with advice on safe ways to deflect, protect and restrain, btw. There is nothing you can do about the swearing, but there are techniques that can move the punch away from you safely, and avoid a head butt. If you can find anyone who works with children with challenging behaviour and get them to show you safe handling techniques, that would be best. My skills are way out of date and I'm 8 months pregnant, otherwise I'd offer to do it myself.

And as far as his mum goes, I'd be in frequent contact with her, making your husband a bigger force to be reckoned with than the teenager. That's one reason I'm suggesting going direct to the teachers and social workers: it's a show of power. I have a hunch that you'd qualify for legal aid, based on what you've said about your circumstances, so applying for a residency order could be one option available to you and your DH. It could be worth asking the FSW, off the record, if there's anything she's seen non resident parents do in these situations that has had an effect. You can't be the only ones to go through this. It's just- giving him a chance to be who he can be, rather than just a statistic, y'know?

In terms of working with the school, though, your DH needs to make himself a visible, active profile. If your DH is in their face, saying "I'm here, we're working on this" that can delay expulsion. Whether rightly or wrongly, teachers assume that if they don't see parents then they care less, so it's worth being as right-there as possible.

Oh, and if you run into any difficulties with his maths when he's with you, feel free to give us a shout. DH teaches secondary maths, and there's other UK posters who teach adult learning who can probably help you out if you need to.

[lovemybubus]

Originally Posted by QueenOfTheMeadow

It sounds like you are going to be a great help to him. I think counciling is definitely in order. As far as the sleeping, maybe if you can get him exercising and eating well, that might have a big effect on his sleeping. As far as the drinking, I would say, absolutely not. For one thing, social services is involved, and I don't think they would look kindly on it, not to mention health effects on a very early teen.

Yep!

[seashells]

Originally Posted by flapjack

Have you read Hold On To Your Kids?

This. I think before I did anything else I'd get a copy of this book. It directly addresses all of the problems in detail, and the end of the book offers specific, realistic solutions.

[tireesix]

Hes on his way.

I only found out yesterday that Z has no idea he is coming here. They told him this morning and had a lot of trouble getting him into the car, he locked himself in his room. He is being escorted by a number of relatives.

He must feel awful right now.

He doesn't want to see DH because DH won't put up with Zs behaviour and challenges him.

I am hoping he will settle down once he is here.

Please wish us all luck and I shall report back later!

[Irishmommy]

Good luck!

[tireesix]

OMG, they are here but Z still doesn't he is staying.

[LionTigerBear]

Thinking of you! Good luck!!! I also recommend Hold On To Your Kids.

[Smithie]

Thinking of you...

FWIW, my hoodlum little brother came out to stay with me and DH for a summer when we were in our early twenties and he was 15 or so. He had a lot of the same issues - drinking, smoking, school trouble, breaking curfew, not obeying my folks - but we had ZERO behavior problems while he was with us, just as you experienced the other week with your stepson. We were willing to keep him for the next year of high school - that's how well it was going.

My brother eventually (after a month) called up my mom and asked for a plane ticket home so he could be with his friends. He wasn't miserable or anything - just well-rested and ready to go back to his late-night hijinks. She gave in, and regretted it very much later on. The minute he was back with my folks, he was out of control again.

What I'm saying is - yes, there needs to be counseling, yes, your DH needs to be very proactive with the new school, yes, you need to lock up the morphine and enforce a curfew etc. etc., yes, it's a long road - but don't lose sight of the fact that you have ALREADY created an environment where your stepson is loved, appreciated and well-behaved. That's a huge win. IMO, that's a sign that he is open to the benefits of reinventing himself. If I were you, I'd hold on hard to your stepson, and advocate loudly and strongly to keep him in your home. Yes, it's technically you DH's role to do that, but your attitude is hugely important.

Don't expect that he will behave in any other way than the way he's behaved before in your house. Your positive expectations have power.

[tireesix]

OK, so it took over an hour to get him in the car before he came here, once he got here he legged it, he came back and just sat in the car so DH went and talked to him in the car, then he locked DH out the car, then he finally made it into the house, then he was told he was staying, then he pegged it again, now he is back and settling in slowly but surely!!!!!!

We have some herbal stuff to help him sleep etc and we shall see how he is tomorrow.