OK, honestly, I do have some idea lol.
I started smoking aged 13, started stealing, self harming, etc etc etc due to similar issues (except it was my mu not my dad who went AWOL I suppose you could say). My DH, has also been through a very rough childhood, so we aren't completely ignorant of everything and in fact know better than most.
I also worked with troubled kids a few years back and always had good outcomes.
I think what my last post was trying to say was that we can do as much as we want down here with him but his mum up there will not continue it. Both my husband and I know that he needs help, he needs parenting that does not involve being given everything that he wants.
As for Christmas with friends, we (his mum, his dad and I) said he could have a few days with friends before and after he came here, BUT, ultimately, his mum has been invited somewhere else for christmas, she needs a break and she is going but because of his behaviour, he is not invited. He has no choice but to come here unless he wants to spend christmas with social services.
I totally understand how he wants to spend christmas with friends, I understand why he doesn't want to be here, I know it is very difficult for him to come here because of his and his dads past, because he knows no one else here because he is moving in on a family that is already established.
When DH told me about what happened yesterday, my response wasn't 'poor victim' but 'poor Z'. He isn't in a good place right now and I know that feeling, I have the scars to remind of that place.
DH is going to be getting the ex to give him the details of Zs social worker so that there can be correspondence between them, I am arranging to talk to a family worker down here (and must get on the phone to her in a minute actually), but again, there is only so much we can do down here, any of us.
I talked to DH last night and said to him that if when Z goes back after this fortnight things continue then we are going to have to give Zs mum an ultimatum, she either gets on board with the social workers, us and the doctors OR starting from the begining of next year, he stays with us full time. We have 3 young children to think about during all of this as well and I don't want their life going up and down and all over the place due to Z being gone, then being sent here as a punishment, then going back and DH getting stressed because he is being called by the ex, the school and or the police because of what Z has done next.
As it goes, up until this point, Z has been allowed to do whatever he wants with no consequences, he bullies his mum (and Z is big, his mum is very small and I suspect, when he is in a range, she may feel very physically threatened by him) but we will not put up with that (and he doesn't like it).
We are a happy family and people think of us as being very laid back, but that we are not and Z, if he lives with us will have no choice but to go to his appointments, he will not be allowed out all night, he will not be allowed to victimise younger smaller kids etc etc etc. He will face the consequences but at the same time, we will be gentle with him.
We all know what is happening now is not a good thing for him and to be honest, the only thing I can see working for him is him coming to live here because we will not be bullied, we will not exclude him, he will be one of us with everything that comes with it. At least that way, we can make sure he gets the help he needs which he is not getting at the moment. If Z decides he doesn't want to go to a social services appointment, he isn't made to go. That isn't helping anyone.
I think I might sound angry today and I am, not at any of you because you have been great, but the fact that this situation, Z has been allowed to get as bad as this.
We have always been here, DHs ex should have just called, we would have helped, we have always wanted to help and as DH said, I would have had him since day one.
We were always told everything was fine so for DH to get a call out of the blue 3 weeks ago or so and suddenly having all this extra info is somewhat shocking to say the least.
Apparently Z walked out on his mum taking a bottle of southern comfort with him once. This terrified me, my brother (ADHD) walked out with a bottle of my grans drink and never came back. He was pulled out of the sea a couple of days later as dead as dead can be. He was 19 years old.
I know the consequences of this behaviour and it scares me, not just because of my brother, but also because of what I went through.
I just don't know what to do.
Will talk to the family worker though and see if she can suggest some emergency services we can use.