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My step son is coming to stay....... Help!!!! Another UPDATE No 53 - Page 5

post #81 of 88
Wow! those are really a lot of issues. let me address the one that sticks out in my mind the most, and it's not the drinking. sleep is essential in young adults. I would suggest getting him a journal. let him write whatever he wants to write in it, whatever is on his mind. let him get that out, even if he doesn't want to talk about it. it will help clear his mind. I used to lay awake for hours at night, not being able to sleep. I would eventually go to the living room, sit on the couch in the dark, and stare at the clock for hours. my mind raced in circles until I could get it all in order and lay back down. now, I start early, think about all of the things that could bother me, and get them out of the way. I also do one page of Soduku a night. I lay in bed, turn the lights down enough that they aren't blinding if I wanted to lay there and go to sleep, but enough that I don't have to strain my eyes to see the puzzle. I lay on my pillow, do one page, lay the book down and go to sleep. when I started that, I was amazed how easily I went to sleep afterward. finding something for Z to do before bed that would help him problem solve, without really getting his mind going like a book, might help him wind down easily.

as for the smoking and drinking, I can't say I quite agree with a 13 year old doing those things with parent permission. however, you said you don't want him going cold turkey. I'm not much of a drinker (anymore), but I do smoke. and I wouldn't want to go cold turkey. you could limit his intake, if that is the road you want to take. I would make it known that he is not allowed, under any circumstances, to drink away from home, and without your permission. that way, the controlled environment is still in effect. allow him a set number of cigarettes if you like, but I would not let him have however many he wants. the goal is to get him slowed down. once he is old enough to buy his own, he can do whatever he wants. right now, it comes down to your rules and what you want for him. (when I say you, I mean you and your husband, and anything you agree to, not just yourself.)

as for the rest, I think once you get him into a stable environment, where he knows the rules and what is expected of him, he should level out and perform according to what is right and wrong. (I dealt with this with my own DSD, age 6, not too long ago. once she realized her father and I were not budging, she quit pushing. the home environment helped, I believe.) children need a stable and protecting home environment. I believe you will provide that for him. open up and talk to him about the seemingly mundane things in life, and I'm sure he will follow suit when he feels comfortable. best of luck!
post #82 of 88
Thread Starter 
Ok, what a total failure this weekend was.

Z has come back a crying mess because he is so homesick.

We kept explaining to his mum that he can't read so he brings him a harry potter book and the first thing he said is 'I can't read that'.

His mum is refusing to make any decision until the 12th of December I think it is when she is coming down with one of his teachers. I fail to see the point of bringing down a teacher rather than a social worker. Apparently, then she will decide what to do with him. This whole fannying around and not making a decision is really stressing Z out. He keeps thinking he is going to be going home but 2 weeks turned into a couple of months which is now 3 months and she keeps telling him and not us. Last thing we knew, he was staying until after christmas, now its until after the new year only we only found that out after she left.

Soooooooo, I think DH is going to just put a pile of pressure on her because it isn't fair on any of us and as soon as a decision is made, we can get sorted with everything.

I REALLY need things sorted financially more than everything, I am freaking out about christmas, Zs mum is still getting money for Z and I want to get it all transferred over to us, especially as last week I was totally and utterly banned from working for the foreseeable future and I am really freaking out about it. I had kept my hopes up that I would have a Doc on my side and allowing me to work early next year but after some discussion with 2 of them it was decided it would be stupid for me to work and not just because of my health.

I just need stuff to be sorted. Z needs stuff to be sorted and DH luckily seems to be affected by morphine in such a way that he just gets to sail through life without much in the way of worries (I wish it had that affect on me but alas, as of yet, no luck).

Zack occasionally tells me that he is desperate for a fag but thats it. He had a wee bit of beer one day during a football match and that has been it, not much in the way of complaints or anything, hes just been real good.

Does anyone else get the feeling that his mum maybe likes stuff this way but isn't ready to admit it yet which is why she keeps increasing Zs time here and yet not giving a date for coming home?

I just hope DH does what he plans today and just puts a bit more pressure on her.

I said to DH the other day 'him being here without any idea of what is going on or what he is going to be doing is probably doing some damage to the poor kid. This situation isn't good for any of us and we need it sorted now'.

I mean, its been 3 weeks so far, a fortnight before he came down he was here for a week. Surely thats long enough for a decision even if it is just a 'we will trial him living with you for 6 months' kinda thing.

Its 8 am here, I have had 14 hours sleep yet I don't feel I have been to bed at all, sooooooooo tired. I know having a decision would help my health a wee bit.
post #83 of 88
CAB, solicitor, and a tip off to the benefits agency, honey. And don't play her games
post #84 of 88
Honestly, this dithering may have a lot to do with the benefits. Not that Z's mom doesn't love him and want him to be OK, but if his government check is making the difference between her staying afloat financially and not, she may be very reluctant to give it up.

So, yes. Benefits Office. Maybe you could even schedule a visit with a caseworker on the day she's coming down anyhow? Get all of you in a room together to hash this thing out? At this point, she may actually be committing some kind of fraud for which she could get in trouble, and nobody needs that extra added drama...
post #85 of 88
It's getting close to the point where the IR would consider a prosecution for benefit fraud, yes. Certainly if she tries to drag this over into another tax year, and claim for him on another lot of tax credits then there's likely to be questions asked.
post #86 of 88
Thread Starter 
Ok, we went away for a few days with Z and the children.

While we were there, got a call from Zs mum, she can no longer afford to pay us £50 and will now only pay £30 a week even though she gets at least £50 for him a week.

We told her that we will put in a claim for him instead and she said no to that because she doesn't know how long he will be here and besides, he doesn't eat £50 quids worth of food a week (never mind gas, water, travel, clothes etc).

I called up tax credits this morning who were very unhelpful saying 'well if you can't decide between yourselves who gets it then there isn't anything we can do'. Ummmmmmm, he is living with us, we want to claim, she is refusing to cancel hers. I mean ????????????

I am just so pissed off.

She also changed the date for when she and the social worker are coming down to the 22nd of December and changed the social worker to one of Zs teachers.

Z is very unimpressed with not knowing what is going on, we are unimpressed with what is going on and she is just dithering around thinking its ok to do.

This is really fooking us all around. She still hasn't paid us for the last 2 weeks.

I don't want child maintenance from her, she can't afford it, but I do want us to have for Z the tax credits and child benefit we are legally entitled too to make things a bit better for him here.

He got so upset yesterday because he asked whether he was going home at christmas and I said maybe and I discover that EVEN NOW, he has NO idea that he might be here for a good while.

I will not lie to him and explained it all, as much as I am privy too anyway. He was obviously upset. I said I don't make all the decisions, its not up to me whether you go or stay because I want you here even if you don't want to be here. Its all down to your mum and thats why she is coming down (to ruin your christmas) to discuss your future with your dad and teacher (wtf?).

I feel like screaming.

DH said he was going to get firmer with her and nothing has happened. He is worried about pissing her off and her taking Z back and just letting him continue the way he has been.

I am going to tell him what tax credit folk said and let him sort it. I will be damned if I am going to get my self even more ill cos of more stress (I am in so much pain I don't know what to do with myself).

Gah.

Thankyou especially flapjack.

I am going to MAKE the DH talk to his ex later and he will damn well do what is best for Z and our family and he will make Zs mum see what is best as well.
post #87 of 88


You're welcome. (BTW, £30 per week per child in child benefit and tax credits sounds about right to me...)
post #88 of 88
Thread Starter 
She says she gets £50 and simply cannot afford to pay us the other £20.

Its a joke.

Z is a bit happier though and is now thinking of saving up his christmas money for a new phone instead of using it for a train ticket back to his home lol!!!!!
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